This episode was pre-recorded
As part of a live continuing education webinar on-demand CEUs are
still available for this presentation through all CEUs registered at all
CEUs.com/counselor toolbox I’d like to welcome everybody to today’s
presentation we’re going to return to talking about vulnerabilities and this is a topic
We’ve covered it before, but you know I don’t seem to be able to say enough about it so we’re going to
talk some more about it we’re going to define what vulnerabilities are and you know I expand
the definition more than what occurred in dialectical behavior therapy because I think there
are a lot of other resources or vulnerabilities out there sorry I’m trying to read two things at
Once anyhow we’re going to identify some of the most common vulnerabilities as I define them so
We’re going to go beyond sleep in nutrition and we’re going to look at environmental vulnerabilities…
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has provided training to counselors, social workers, nurses, and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com A direct link to the CEU course is https://www.allceus.com/member/cart/i…
Nurses, addiction and #mentalhealth#counselors, #socialworkers, and marriage and family therapists can earn #CEUs for this and other presentations at AllCEUs.com #AllCEUs courses are accepted in most states because we are approved as an education provider for NAADAC, the States of Florida and Texas Boards of Social Work and Mental Health/Professional Counseling, the California Consortium for Addiction Professionals and Professions.
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This episode was pre-recorded
As part of a live continuing education webinar on-demand CEUs are
still available for this presentation AllCEUs.com/Anxiety-CEU I’d like to welcome everybody to today’s
presentation on best practices for the treatment of anxiety I am your host, Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes now not too long ago we did
a presentation on strengths-based biopsychosocial approaches to addressing anxiety while
Those are wonderful you know I thought maybe we ought to look at you know what’s some of the
current research so I went into PubMed which is I don’t know it’s a playground for me it’s where
You find a lot of journal articles and you can sort I sorted by articles that were
done and meta-analyses that were done within the past five years so that gives us an idea
About current research I mean there’s a lot of stuff that is still the same like some of
The medications that were known to work ten years ago are still known to be you know good
first-line treatments but there are also some newcomers that we’ll talk about and there are
also some changes that we’re going to talk about so we’re going to explore some common causes
for anxiety symptoms in order to treat it, we really need to and of course, this does play into
the biopsychosocial aspect we really need to understand kind of what causes it because anxiety
that’s caused by for example somebody having a racing heart may be different than anxiety that’s
caused for somebody who has abandonment issues so we’re…
…It
can be incorporated in a lot of various places again where they’re not applying it or ingesting
it in any way all they’re doing is smelling it they’ve used it in defusing aromatherapy in
hospital emergency rooms and they found that it reduces stress and irritability the people in
emergency rooms and I’ve been to enough emergency rooms over the course of the years to know that
People who are in emergency rooms typically are not in the best mood so if it can help those people then
It’s probably going to have some sort of an effect so psychologically helping clients realize
that their body thinks there’s a threat for some reason that’s why it triggered the threat response
system which is what they call anxiety, so they need to figure out why is there really a threat
You know sometimes it’s like the fire alarm going off in my house it just means that the windows are
open and there’s a strong breeze there is no fire there is no problem there’s just a malfunction
It’s a false alarm A lot of times clients get this threat reaction they get this stress
reaction and it’s not a big deal right now so they can start modifying what their brain responds to
and again, those basic fears that a lot of people worry about failure rejection loss of control the
unknown and death and loss distress tolerance is one of those cognitive interventions that has
taken center stage in anxiety research and it isn’t about controlling your anxiety you know
helping people recognize their anxiety acknowledge it and say okay I’m anxious it is what it is
How can I improve the next moment instead of saying I’m anxious I shouldn’t be anxious I hate
being anxious and slang with that anxiety let it go just accept it is what it is have the client
learn to start saying I am feeling anxious okay so distracted don’t react because I explain to them
The whole notion of feelings comes in crest and go out in about 20 minutes It’s like a wave so once they
acknowledge their feeling if they can distract themselves for twenty or thirty minutes you know
Obviously, they figured out there’s no real threat if they can distract themselves for twenty or
thirty minutes those emotions can go down and then they can deal with it in their wise mind and encourage
them to use distancing techniques instead of saying I am anxious, or I am terrified or whatever
Have them say I am having the thought that this is the worst thing in the world I am having the
thought that I could not handle this because thoughts come and go and that comes from acceptance and
commitment therapy functional analysis makes it possible to specify where and when with what frequency
with what intensity and under what circumstances the anxious response is triggered so it’s
important that we help clients develop the ability to do functional analyses on their own so
when they start feeling anxious, they can stop and say okay where am I what’s going on how intense
Is it what are the circumstances, and they start really trying to figure out what causes this for
them so they can identify any common themes from their psychoeducation about cognitive distortions
and techniques to prevent those circumstances or mitigate them can be provided so if the client
knows that they get anxious before they go into a meeting with their boss and it’s usually a high
intensity of anxiety okay so we can educate them and help them identify what fears that may be related
to techniques to slow their breathing calm their stress reaction and help them figure out
times in the past when they’ve handled going in and talking to their boss and it really wasn’t
the end of the world you know there’s lots of different things we can do there for them there
but the first key and it gives them a lot of a huge sense of empowerment to start becoming
detectives in their own life and going okay now under what situations does this happen positive
Writing this was another really cool study each day for 30 days the experimental group and this
was high school-aged youth in China but you know the experimental group engaged in 20 minutes of
writing about positive emotions they felt that day so they’re writing about anything positive
that make them happy that made them enthusiastic give them hope whatever long-term expressive
writing positive emotions so after 30 days it appeared to help reduce test anxiety by helping
them develop insight and use positive emotion words so it got them out of the habit of using
the destruction and doom words and encouraged them to get in the habit of looking at the positive
things and being more optimistic it’s a really cool activity that clients can try it’s…The Market WeekSign Up For The Free Newsletter No nonsense, no spam, unsubscribe anytime You can unsubscribe at any time. Read our privacy policy. Financial disclaimer: The Market Week is a general interest newsletter that is not liable for the suitability or future investment performance of any securities or strategies discussed. Readers are advised that the material contained herein should be used solely for informational purposes. As a financial newsletter publisher of general and regular circulation, we cannot tender individual investment advice. Read our full disclaimer. https://is.gd/mycbgenie_The_Market_Week
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Hey Psych2Goers, welcome back! If you’re currently suffering from anxiety. Have you wondered why you have anxiety? Since when have you started to get nervous all the time? In some cases, anxiety can be caused by how you were raised as a child. Your upbringing may have had a significant impact on why you experienced so much anxiety. So here are seven signs of anxiety caused by your upbringing. #1 You are self-critical. Do you pick at your flaws or criticize yourself for no reason? You may be doing it because you have critical parents. When your parents overly focus on your flaws. You may also grow up only focusing on them. According to Iancu, Bodner, and Ben Zion. Self-criticism is highly related to social anxiety disorder. You may end up blaming yourself for things that are out of your control or not your fault. #2 You have low self-esteem. Do your parents always compare you to others? Does it make you feel inadequate? Growing up in an environment where you’re constantly compared to others can harm your self-esteem. You may feel bad about yourself for failing to meet your parent’s expectations. This low self-esteem can carry on through your life… …because of the constant fear of not being good enough. #3 You think negatively. Did your parents always tell you to prepare for the worst? If they constantly focus on the worst-case scenario. Their behaviors can probably affect your mindset. While it may be normal to recognize the worst-case scenario in each situation. It can eventually lead your mind to focus on only the negative. This form of repetitive and negative thinking can generate a lot of anxiety. #4 You fear being judged. Did your parents seem to have something negative to say about everything and everyone? Having judgmental parents can have a significant impact on you. Conditioned by judgmental parents at an early age. You may struggle with worry and fear of what others think about you. Their emphasis is on the opinion of others instead of on social initiatives and family sociability. This may lead to social anxiety. #5 You are overly cautious. Did your parents tend to constantly check on you when you’re not around them? If you have overprotective parents,
there’s a chance that you may be overly cautious. This is because having overprotective parents may condition you at a young age to be wary of everything. It can lead to having a certain worry and fear of things that are unknown to you. Although it can be beneficial to be overly cautious at times. It can also lead to a lot of anxiety. #6 You fear relationships. Do you find yourself scared about forming relationships? This fear may have stemmed from growing up in a separated family. Since you may fear that your current relationships will end up with the same outcome. Having neglectful parents could also cause you to fear relationships… …because it could make you think that your partner will neglect you in the same way. And #7 You doubt yourself. Have you ever said to yourself… What if I’m doing it wrong? Or am I making a mistake? Your parents’ constant criticism of your ability…can result in you developing constant self-doubt as you grow up. This will also cause you to have a higher risk of developing anxiety disorders in childhood. Do you relate to any of these signs? Let us know in the comments below! If you find this video helpful… Be sure to like, subscribe, and share this video with those who might benefit from it. The references and studies used in this video are added in the description below. Thanks for reading and we’ll see you in the next video!As found on YouTubeAFFILIATE MASTERY BONUS: 6-Week LIVE Series Has Begun! FunnelMates $46.⁹⁵ Replays are Instantly Available. Want A Profitable Mailing List But Not Sure Where To Begin? We’ll Guide You, Equip You, and even PAY You Cash To Do It! ☃in 5-10 Minutes A Day Using Automation Software and our Time-Tested Strategy See How Your New Site Can Be Live In Just 27 Seconds From Now!
if anxiety goes unchecked for long enough it can lead to cognitive decline and put you at risk for other mental disorders it can also cause physical consequences like elevated blood pressure and even heart disease today we’re going to help you recognize signs of anxiety that are easily missed so that you can identify them early and avoid these long-term effects here are five subtle signs you have anxiety but don’t know about it number one you’re always tired when you’re faced with a stressor your body jumps into action and releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol hormones are released from the pituitary adrenal glands and hypothalamus to prepare you to respond to a threat this process may make you breathe faster increase your heart rate or give you an upset stomach considering how physically demanding those response is it’s no wonder why anxiety can make you feel tired all the time anxiety may also cause insomnia which leads to intense fatigue over time keep in mind that although ID is related to tiredness and trouble sleeping fatigue can be caused by other factors as well number two you’re disorganized do you sometimes feel like the way you operate is disorderly or chaotic if so it may be because you have anxiety maybe you’re forgetful lose things often or have a hard time staying organized at work or school even if you’re not aware of it anxiety can make it hard to concentrate and in turn make everyday activities more difficult if you find that you struggle to stay organized it’s important not to beat yourself up about it it’s always possible to change these habits and they may be caused by an underlying issue that isn’t even your fault like anxiety number three you’re on edge and easily frightened do you find that you’re easily startled to the point where you often jump at sudden noises or movements while it’s totally normal to get startled every once in a while anxiety can make you more prone to these reactions than when you’re calm one reason for this is that your fight or flat response is more active when you’re in a state of anxiety the next time you get startled ask yourself was this a surprising situation or could anxiety be causing me to feel an edge number four you experience unexplained pain or illness do you have symptoms like nausea headaches or body aches that seem to have no physical explanation while there are many potential causes for these Sensations they are all recognized symptoms of general anxiety disorder anxiety is related to digestive issues and can also make it harder to recover when you get sick our bodies and minds are deeply connected even if you don’t know you have anxiety your body might be letting you know that something’s off take some time to check in and listen to what your body is telling you today number five rumination do you find yourself repetitively thinking about the same thing such as a problem you’re trying to solve or an embarrassing interaction that you had with someone if so you may be engaging in rumination is an obsessive pattern of thinking where you constant played the same thought again and again to the point where it’s distractingthis could be a subtle sign you have anxiety as rumination is common in people with generalized anxiety disorder but it may have other causes because it’s not specific to early anxiety so did you relate to any of these points whether you have anxiety or not it can be beneficial to take note of these subtle signs and reflect on what may be causing them remember that feeling anxious is nothing to be ashamed of and you can always reach out for support when you feel you need it now we want to hear from you safe2goers have you experienced any of these signs of anxiety what’s your experience with anxiety share in the comments below as usual all references used are in the description below if you found this video helpful please leave a like and share it with a friend until next timeAs found on YouTubeFunnelify you will be able to create high-quality converting leads pages, affiliate pages, sales pages, sales funnels, and business pages, and you will never need to pay a web designer again.FunnelMates $46.⁹⁵ AFFILIATE MASTERY BONUS: 6-Week LIVE Series Has Begun! Replays are Instantly Available.Want A Profitable Mailing List But Not Sure Where To Begin? We’ll Guide You, Equip You & Even PAY You Cash To Do It!5-10 Minutes A Day Using Automation Software & Our Time-Tested StrategySee How Your New Site Can Be Live In Just 27 Seconds From Now!“Today You’ll Get Access To The Complete FunnelMates Suite, Traffic Automation Software Tools & Our Beginner Friendly 6 Week Affiliate Masterclass (Inc. Recordings) Responsible For Taking 1,000 Of Complete Affiliate Zeroes To Legendary Affiliate Marketing Hero’s”FunnelMates Is The FIRST EVER
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Narrator Hello, Psych2Goers, Did you know with the recent movement on mental health awareness over the past few years, people are gradually coming to understand more and more about matters of depression, anxiety, trauma, and other mental disorders? There’s also less stigma surrounding the need for therapy and mental health care. Nowadays, thanks to the countless public figures who have bravely spoken up about their struggles with mental illness, Do any of your favorite celebrities come to mind Still? There remains a lot unknown about the true nature of depression: the world’s most common mental illness And even more it’s, only those struggling with it. That can truly understand So with that said, here are 10 things. Only depressed people will understand the Number one difficulty with communicating your emotions Within the depths of depression. There may reside complex emotions such as sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, anger, fear, shame, and guilt. Further still, depression might manifest as an unending sense of emotional numbness and desolation, Either way. Putting your feelings into words and communicating them with others is a constant struggle when you’re depressed, especially when loved ones are asking you how you feel or how you’re doing because they suspect something is wrong. You don’t want them to worry, But when you’re in the clutches of depression, you just don’t know what or even how to tell them Number two the guilt of not having a good reason for being depressed. Well, why are you depressed? What do you even have to be depressed about? In the first place, Sound familiar, Perhaps one of the most difficult things about having depression? Is the pain of being misunderstood or judged? Do you agree? Depression needs to have a tangible reason, Though. You understand that depression is something that affects people of all ages, genders races, classes, and social backgrounds. You still can’t help but feel guilty when others judge you for not having a good reason for being depressed. Number. Three, the anger over constantly being told I understand: Do you find it hard to believe when others say they understand what you’re going through? Another thing not talked about enough when it comes to depression is how frustrating it can feel to constantly be told by others that they understand when all you want na do is tell them that unless they’ve been diagnosed with depression themselves and been inside Your mind: no, they don’t Just because they’ve felt really sad sometimes or this terrible thing happened to them once upon a time does not mean that they know how it feels to have clinical depression Number four, the pain of losing your love And passion for life: How long has it been since you picked up a paintbrush or strummed a tune? The American Psychological Association states that the defining feature of clinical depression is markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or most all activities Simply put. This means that when you’re suffering from depression, it’s a struggle for you to find joy or enjoyment, even in the hobbies and activities that you once loved so much It makes you lose passion for life. Depression makes you unable to feel motivated to do anything anymore, and so it robs you of even the simplest of life.’s pleasures Number five, is the frustration of not being able to just snap out of it. Have you been told that a few days of rest can cure depression? One of the many reasons why depression is such a devastating mental illness. Is that a lot of people don’t understand its true nature? They think that people who are depressed can just snap out of it or just need to think more positively. There is no built-in switch for this. Your feelings are every bit as real as they feel You’re not obligated to feel any other way just because others, don’t feel the same Number six. The compulsive desire to self-isolate. Why do counselors and therapists alike? Stress the need for those struggling with depression to have a good social support system, Even though you understand the need to be surrounded by supportive loved ones. The truth is when you’re depressed, you, ‘ll most likely feel a compulsive desire to isolate yourself from others, With no energy or motivation to engage in social interactions. You tend to prefer isolation. Constant difficulty with communicating and finding enjoyment in things leads to struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth Talking to people, and staying in touch can often feel too overwhelming. When you’re struggling with depression, triggering a need to withdraw from society in general Number. Seven people think depression is the same as sadness. Sadness is part of a healthy spectrum of human emotions and is quite normal to feel from time to time. Depression, on the other hand, is a serious and debilitating mental illness that needs to be treated with professional help and therapy. These things are not all the same, and yet some people just can’t seem to grasp the difference. This can often feel very frustrating, especially when others disregard what you’re feeling as mere sadness and tell you not to think about it. Number eight people not understanding that mental illness is real. Many people still seem to think that depression is a choice and a mental illness. Isn’t real, But just because there are no physical manifestations to see doesn’t mean that the suffering you feel is not real. It’s, not just in your head. If you’re able to feel it, then it is very much real When others downplay its potency. It often leaves you feeling, as if you’re doing something wrong. As a result, you may even choose to remain silent about it. Instead, Number nine people think depression is the same for everybody Every individual’s. Experience of a mental disorder is different from Depression. Doesn’t look the same for everybody. Some people might stop eating and struggle with insomnia, while others might overeat and oversleep. Some people have high-functioning depression and may not even seem like they’re struggling at all for others, their depression might force them to lie in bed all day and do nothing. Nevertheless, all experiences of depression are valid, And number 10 learning to celebrate the little things. Finally, but perhaps most importantly, when you struggle with depression, even the littlest of victories deserve to be celebrated, Got outta bed today, smiled Managed a short conversation with someone Took the time to brush my hair, or take a bath. Give yourself a mental pat on the back. Those are all very, very important achievements for someone with depression. They might not mean much to other people, But to you struggling with mental illness on an everyday basis. They make up the good days that remind you why you need to keep fighting and why it’s so important to keep holding on It.’s important to remember not to allow others to dictate how you should feel Just because others are not feeling the same does not make it any less real. There’s no need to cover up or force yourself to change these feelings. The fact that you’re feeling it is reason enough to validate it If you are struggling with depression or any other mental illness. Please know that there is always hope and help and that someday things can be better. Seeking professional help can help you on the road to improvement, Leave a comment down below about your experience with depression. If you’d, like, Please, feel free to share any thoughts you have as well, If you found this video helpful, be sure to hit the like button and share it with those out there needing to hear this, Don’t forget to subscribe to Psych2Go and Hit the notification bell for more new videos And, as always thanks so much for watching We’ll see you next time..
As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… http://flywait.darekw.hop.clickbank.net/ often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.
– Hey, Psych2Goers. Do you have trouble paying attention? For example, zoning out
while watching this video? Do you think you have
ADHD because of this? Oftentimes, people mistake
symptoms of anxiety for ADHD because of some of the
similar traits they share. According to the Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention data, about 3 in 10 children
with ADHD have anxiety. So to help you get a better understanding of the difference
between ADHD and anxiety, here are six signs to look out for. Number one, you have poor focus because of worrying thoughts. Are you always distracted by your worries, so much so that you’re unable to focus on the things you’re doing? When fear and apprehension
dominate your thoughts, it may cause you to become restless and have trouble with sitting
still, paying attention, or staying focused in class. According to John Waldrop, MD from Weill Cornell Medical College, when you experience anxiety, your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain which is essential for thinking, learning, and
remembering, is shut down. Your brain is concentrated
on staying safe. In contrast with ADHD, you aren’t consumed by worrying thoughts. Instead, it has more
to do with an imbalance in your hormones: dopamine
and norepinephrine, which causes you to be distracted. Number two, you don’t tend to have as many problems with impulsivity. Do you often find yourself
speaking out loud in class without raising your hand? Perhaps you were even labeled
as the troublemaker in school because of the way you
can never sit still. According to Dr. John, a
person with ADHD may feel as if there are dozens of controllers trying to control their
brains at the same time without checking in with each other first. So if you find that you
don’t appear to have as many problems with impulsivity but just struggle to speak up or stand up because of your nerves, then you may have anxiety rather than ADHD. Number three, you have trouble
completing your schoolwork because of perfectionism. Do you have trouble
completing your schoolwork? Perhaps you find yourself procrastinating even if you only have just
one assignment to you. This struggle could be because
you have so many points you wanna make in so many
ways to phrase the words that it leaves you wanting
to throw up your hands and ignore them. You’re avoiding starting your assignments because you can’t have
them be less than perfect. If you can relate to this, then it’s more likely you’re struggling with anxiety and not ADHD. Dr. John stated that
while people with ADHD may experience difficulty
completing their schoolwork or performing tasks, it’s often due to trouble
with concentration rather than perfectionism. Number four, you are
generally more sensitive to social cues. Are you very sensitive to how you come across to other people? Do you find yourself often uncomfortable with your social environment? Perhaps you find it challenging to eat in front of other people or tend to avoid speaking in public because of an overwhelming fear that people will judge you negatively. According to Dr. John,
if your answers are yes to the above questions, it’s more likely that you
have anxiety rather than ADHD. This is because people
with ADHD usually struggle with understanding or missing social cues rather than being hypersensitive to them. Number five, you experience
a racing heart, clamminess, tense muscles, headaches,
nausea, or dizziness. Do you often experience
headaches, nausea, or dizziness? These are just some of
the symptoms of anxiety. Dr. John stated that anxiety comes from a tiny almond-shaped part at the back of your brain
called the amygdala. As a watchman for your brain, it is constantly watching out for danger. And whenever it detects danger, it triggers a fight or flight response. However, for anxious people, the amygdala is large and hypersensitive. Because of this, it ends up sending out
a lot of false alarms. You can think of it as a watchman
who cries wolf too often. As a result, your brain may sense threats even in non-threatening situations. And number six, you are unlikely
to show problem behaviors when you’re feeling calm, safe,
and doing things you enjoy. How do you act when you’re having fun? Whether it’s listening
to your favorite music or playing video games, you
may find yourself feeling calm and safe while doing the things
that you genuinely enjoy. You are neither restless nor feeling like you need
to catch your breath. According to Dr. John, anxious
individuals are unlikely to display any problem behaviors
when feeling calm and safe and doing something they enjoy. On the contrary, people with ADHD will experience problem behaviors even when they engage in a particular fun or exciting activity.For example, a person with ADHD may become so engrossed
with painting a picture that they tune out or completely
ignore everything else. This behavior is known as hyperfocus. Did you relate to any of
the signs we’ve mentioned? Let us know in the comments below. If you found this video helpful, be sure to like, subscribe,
and share this video with those who might benefit from it. And don’t forget to hit
the notification bell icon to get notified whenever
Psych2Go posts a new video. As always, the references and
studies used in this video are added in the description below. Thanks so much for watching
and see you in our next video. (light music).As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… http://flywait.darekw.hop.clickbank.net/ often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.
Narrator, Hey Psych2Goers, welcome back to another video Healing is not easy. There’s a lot of stigma regarding going to therapy and doing any independent inner self-work. It’s still seen as something that either weak or crazy people do, and that’s – just not true, It might not be 100 easy, but healing is a journey that leads to deep fulfillment that nothing outside of you could shake or take away. This process is very humbling, but with high risk comes high reward. During this journey, you will start to feel the growing pains of change and self-integration Keep moving forward. This discomfort is helping you move into a beautiful life in which you have a deeper sense of inner peace. Here are nine uncomfortable signs that you are healing Number one. You allow yourself to feel your emotions When you’re still stuck in survival mode. You are mostly focused on logic and what you see because emotions are painful for you to feel and process It’s hard for you to take the time and make room for your emotions to just be acknowledged and validated because it reminds you of the hurt that You would’ve liked to keep buried When you heal. You start acknowledging your negative and positive emotions because you realize that extreme focus on one is detrimental to your whole being and that you are a whole person. It’s uncomfortable at first, but as you are no longer suppressing or denying them, you see the value of your emotions and feelings and of just letting yourself sit with them and allowing them to pass Number Two. You’re getting better at expressing and maintaining boundaries When you’re not healed or in the process, you struggle with stating and enforcing boundaries because you’re afraid of rejection, feelings of shame and guilt from putting your interest first or saying what’s on your mind, It’s unusual to set firm boundaries when you’re not used to it, but once you start, it creates more healthy interpersonal dynamics, because you stated your opinions and emotions. You have the mental and emotional clarity and you are more capable of making your decisions Number three. You accept that you’ve, been through difficult experiences. Life is hard and unfair, and instead of suppressing all of the experiences that you have been through, you acknowledge and accept that they happened. You accept that these people’s place and things had a life-changing impact on you and probably still do Once. You have accepted that these uncomfortable events impacted you in their entirety. They start to hurt you less because you’ve accepted the truth and are in charge of the narrative of your life again Number four, you’re, less reactive and more responsive. When you’re in survival mode, Everything and everyone is a threat and is treated as such. Nothing is trusted and you, don’t have time to sit and logically think things through, because you are pure action needing to defend yourself constantly. Once you start healing your natural response of lashing out shutting down, running away, or people-pleasing is tested and slowly makes way for questioning your feelings and reactions. Regarding things, You even find yourself asking. Why do I think this way? Where does this thinking come from? You start practicing emotional self-regulation, self-analysis, and responsibility. Number five you realize that healing is not linear Healing is uncomfortable because you are unearthing and confronting things you would’ve preferred to keep suppressed. Once you get into the rhythm, you realize that part of that healing is that this distress is okay and normal, because it’s not a straight road to inner peace and healing You understand and has experienced the highs and lows of healing and know that the feeling of today will not match the feelings of tomorrow or even later, on Number six. You begin to step out of your comfort zone Here,’s the thing about healing It:’s, not something everyone will do. However, if you decide to it has far-reaching benefits beyond the acceptance and acknowledgment of the traumatic experience Once you are in the healing process, you are developing bravery around your emotions and your mind With this newfound conscious control. You are no longer scared by things that scared you before Scared of making a living situation change. You now are redecorating your bedroom and experimenting with paint colors. You never thought you would Go to a party you don’t know Before you would’ve recoiled at the thought, but now it’s a little less anxiety-inducing and you have a bit more confidence Number seven. You easily accept disappointments and take them in stride. Life is a balance of success and failure, light and dark ups and downs. When you’re not healing disappointments hit, you like a freight truck to the chest, knocking all of the motivation and passion out of you With healing you understand that bad days do happen and can’t be avoided, but are also temporary Any disappointments or unmet Expectations are accepted and taken in stride. You respond in better healthier ways that are less reactive Number. Eight you have more inner peace Healing brings about self-integration. If you’re a Harry Potter, fan it’s as if Voldemort brought back all of his Horcruxes and decided on becoming a better complete person who accepts the natural way of life on a soul level. And if you’re, not a fan. It’s like taking inventory of all of your experiences painful or not, and seeing yourself as the whole person You develop this inner peace because you deeply forgive yourself and you can readily forgive others too. By having this peace and integration, you are less likely to self-sabotage because you’re no longer a warring country within yourself with conflicting desires and emotions. You reconcile your inner differences. You no longer criticize and dismantle your character in your mind And number nine. You welcome help and support The independent survivor. Has a don’t ask for help mentality, maybe because they never got it when they needed it or because of the harsh rejection when they spoke up, They shut down to get by and decided to do it by themselves because they had no choice With healing You start to realize that as strong as you are, you can’t carry and do everything by yourself. You do need help and we all do and it’s available out there for you. You are more open to support and less afraid of having this need for assistance met. The pride and shame you might feel for asking for help are gone, because you know that it’s, okay, to let go of the heavy burden on your shoulders and have someone to lean on. Did you relate to any of these points? Do you feel that you are beginning to heal As rewarding as the first step of healing? You will run into the discomfort of your healing and this will try to make you stop to lessen or ignore the pain, but whatever you resist you prolong. If you are in the healing process, well done, I’m proud of you for doing this work and I hope you can find peace through it And if you’re not that’s, okay, because healing is a long process that takes time you’re still living and doing what you can Applaud yourselves. Did you find this video valuable, Tell us in the comments below Please like and share it with friends that might find use in this video too, and make sure to subscribe to Psych2Go and hit the notification bell for more content. All the references used are added in the description box below. Thank you for watching and see you next time…As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… http://flywait.darekw.hop.clickbank.net/ often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.
Do you think you might have anxiety or know someone who does if not What’s the first image you have and you imagine someone with diagnosed anxiety? The popular comical image may have popped into your head with the frazzled jittery expression unkempt hair and profuse sweating the truth is some people go on to be successful and accomplish great things despite their battle against this mental illness This is known as high functioning anxiety isn’t a diagnosable condition And so it can be difficult to identify because those who have it don’t appear anxious However, the calm appearance doesn’t make it any less real serious or painful for those who have it Wondering now if you might fit in with this category Here are 12 things. You may not realize you’re doing this because of your high functioning anxiety 1 you turn down things you want to go to You eagerly await events and get-togethers with friends, but when the day finally comes you often decide not to go at the very last minute sound familiar Even though you were looking forward to it for so long You’ve talked yourself out of attending because the thought of going out leaves you wracked with worry and dread – you dislike having to meet new people When someone says to you, there’ll be so many new people you can network with. How do you feel? Mingling and social functions just aren’t your thing not due to shyness or introversion. You just don’t want to meet new people Sticking to your close-knit group of friends is comfortable and happy for you Introducing yourself or being introduced to someone else makes you feel self-conscious and worried about making a good first impression This worry is so intense that it sucks any enjoyment or intrigue out of meeting Someone new 3 you’re uncomfortable with slow responses The moment you send someone a text or leave them a voice message Do you start counting the seconds waiting for a response and the longer you wait? The more you feel anxious you overthink about why they haven’t replied yet and somehow take it to mean that you did something wrong Take a breath they probably like you just fine and their phone might be on mute For you get very little sleep We hear eight hours of sleep is required Can you remember the last time you got eight hours of sleep? We mean all at once not spread out over a few days You may be able to look at anxiety as the reason it may wake you up early and keep you from having a deep and relaxed sleep and also keep you up at night with thoughts racing through your mind Being shortchanged on both ends is why sleep deprivation is such a common complaint amongst those of us who suffer from high functioning anxiety Five you fixate on the tiniest details Is there any little thing you think about what’s keeping you up at night and depriving you of sleep Like how you said you to to the waiter when they told you to enjoy your meal? Or maybe why that person replied to your long text simply, okay? Logically, you realize this isn’t going to hugely impact your life. The waiter won’t remember you and that other person was probably just busy Still you examine it this fixation is a common feature for people with high-functioning Anxiety you tend to obsess over trivial things Especially social interactions you analyze everything and spend hours and hours wondering what it could all mean and why? Six you get hung up on old conversations Speaking of social interactions. Do you find yourself playing back old social scenarios in your head thinking about different actions? You could have taken or Not Taken Things like maybe I shouldn’t have texted him or maybe I should have given that witty reply High-functioning anxiety makes you overthink every single social interaction You’ve ever had big or small and it’s not unusual for people who struggle with it to get hung up on the past regardless of how long ago it was 7 your unforgiving to yourself Do you feel upset at yourself when you make a mistake? Mulling over it and scolding yourself for months even years Well high functioning anxiety can often resemble perfectionism With one of its most problematic characteristics being that it turns us against ourselves whenever we mess up Your anxiety makes that mistake bigger in your point of view than it was in reality. So getting over it feels difficult Eight you constantly compare yourself to others It’s normal to occasionally compare yourself to others but those with high-functioning anxiety. Take it to an extreme Are you overly concerned with how you measure up against your peers? Do you constantly worry that you’re not fulfilling your full potential? No matter how much you accomplish. Do you never feel like it’s enough? If so, you might be struggling with high-functioning anxiety 9 You’re a constant people pleaser Do you work hard to make others feel happy, even if it comes at the cost of your well-being Do you feel like you’ll never be good enough until you attain it? Everyone’s approval If you have high-functioning anxiety you may have convinced yourself that the only way others will ever accept you is if you go above and beyond what everyone expects of You all the time. 10 You need to keep yourself busy all the time Now we’re not talking about creating great Renaissance artworks or intricate business plans We just mean busy not necessarily productive If you’re not busy you feel Restless and tense. So you try to occupy yourself with just about anything during your nails. Yes Alphabetizing your games. Okay, cleaning your perfectly working computer fan with a toothbrush It’s sure the truth is you don’t mind doing anything as long as it helps distract yourself from your thoughts and worries 11 You get very anxious whenever you think about the future What does the future mean to you for many in the future is the light of possibility something to eagerly look forward to? then for some, it can feel like Scrooge and that last spirit of Christmas who looked like the Grim Reaper if You’re not feeling hope but terror and dread for what’s to come This could be a sign of high-functioning anxiety can paralyze you with fear about the unknown and what’s not in your control it can keep you from truly living your life to the fullest because you always expect the worst to happen and 12 you always focus on the worst-case scenario Do you like to prep my prep? We mean do you say to yourself? Okay, so this is the worst possible outcome I’ll be ready for it. If I’m ready for it. I can handle anything else. Do you then continue to expect the worst-case scenario? They might be high-functioning anxiety laying the plans This might lead people to misjudge you as a pessimist because ultimately you may try to share with them your preparations Where you see anticipating and being proactive they see a downer Unfortunately being so prepared often doesn’t allow you to just enjoy the moment Do you relate to any of the things listed here living with high-functioning anxiety is never easy? But most people may not see the emotional toll it can have on a person if you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with your anxiety There are many professional certified resources to reach out to Please like share and subscribe to the site to go for more psychology content.We hope to see you in the next video and as always Thanks so much for watching.As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… http://flywait.darekw.hop.clickbank.net/ often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.
[Music] hi everyone we it’s like to go would love to thank you for making us a digital family of more than 2 million it’s with your continued support that we’re able to bring you new content regularly our mission is to help everyone become more self aware of the various psychological factors that affect our lives one such factor that we hear about on a daily basis is anxiety but it’s important to know when it’s anxiety only and wanted to become something more so let’s find out anxiety in general is our normal reaction to stress in fact it can be a good thing anxiety motivates you to accomplish your assignments to study harder for a test and it can warn you when you’re in a dangerous situation it informs you to be extra vigilant about your environment the fight or flee generalized anxiety disorder or GED on the other hand is a full-fledged anxiety disorder that involves intense and excessive anxiety as a key factor along with other debilitating symptoms differentiating between normal anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder or di D can be tricky how do you know especially if you’re a little more anxious than others whether or not your anxiety is significant enough to qualify as a disorder so let’s begin with an introduction to the main concepts revolving around the – one normal anxiety is more of a friend than a foe according to the anxiety and depression Association of America anxiety is a normal and often healthy emotion which is characterized by feelings of tension worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure when we face potentially harmful or worrying triggers feelings of anxiety are not only normal but necessary for survival since the earliest days the approach of predators an incoming danger set off alarms in the body and allowed evasive action these alarms were in the form of a raised heartbeat sledding and increased sensitivity to surroundings danger causes a rush of adrenaline a hormone in the brain which in turn triggers the anxious reactions in a process called the fight-or-flight response this prepares humans to physically confront or flee any potential threats to sea all these are classic characteristics of normal anxiety such traits came in handy for our predecessors but we don’t have to be in a constant state of fight-or-flight anymore so running from larger animals is a less pressing concern in present times than it would have been for early humans anxieties now revolve around work money family life health and other crucial issues that demand a person’s attention without necessarily requiring the fight-or-flight reaction the nervous feeling before an important life event are during a difficult situation is a natural echo of the original fight-or-flight reaction it can still be essential to survival anxiety about being hit by a car when crossing the street for example means that a person will instinctively look both ways to avoid danger when the duration or severity of an anxious feeling is out of proportion to the original trigger or stressor physical symptoms such as increased blood pressure and nausea may also develop these responses are what moved normal anxiety beyond into gid generalized anxiety disorder GA D is when the trouble starts generalized anxiety disorder involves persistent and excessive worry that interferes with daily activities people with symptoms of GA D tend to always expect disaster and can stop worrying about health money family work or school in people with GID the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion from the situation daily life becomes a constant state of worry fear and dread eventually the anxiety so dominates the person’s thinking that it interferes with daily functioning including work school social activities and relationships there are several key differences that make them distinguishable here are a few ways you can tell the two apart one presence of a stressor usually a normal anxiety occurs in response to a stressor such as an exam an upcoming interview a fight with a friend or a new job when you struggle with GID you’re anxious most or almost all of the time even when you can’t spot the source of the stress for instance people a generalized anxiety disorder can have a difficult time just getting through the day even seemingly small responsibilities like paying the bills make them feel anxious – intensity and length gid produces intense and excessive emotional responses even if you’re reacting to a stressor your anxiety is disproportionate to that stressor many people are on the edge before an exam but a person with jad might be anxious several weeks beforehand and will experience intense symptoms right before and during the exam also normal anxiety is fleeting while gid is ongoing and the feelings can last weeks or months three physical symptoms of jad excessive anxiety and wary aren’t the only symptoms that accompany GID there are physical symptoms – dizziness lightheadedness sweating trembling heart pounding headaches and nausea you feel like you can’t breathe can’t talk or have to go to the bathroom frequently people at jad also report feeling detachment and disconnected from reality they feel like they can’t think straight and have difficulty concentrating psychological symptoms are also present individuals experience racing or negative thoughts and are unable to concentrate and have worries about day to day things or impairment when you struggle with GID it affects your entire life it impairs or interferes with your schoolwork job and daily life avoidance is a symptom of jad and can be quite debilitating in other words excessive anxiety can cause you to avoid normal activities you might skip class miss a test stop going to work procrastinate grocery shopping or avoid anything that makes you feel anxious and 5 no control most people can reduce and control their anxiety through a variety of coping techniques and the ability to calm oneself however people at GID have significant difficulty finding relaxation calm and time away from their worries if you have more difficulty than other people you know in controlling your anxiety it may be more than normal anxiety did you often find yourself confused about these two conditions do these factors easier to differentiate between the two do let us know in the comments below if you are struggling with overwhelming anxiety and you can relate to some of these factors don’t hesitate to seek help from a mental health professional and subsequent treatment also remember to share this video with someone you think might benefit from these as well don’t forget to click the like button and subscribe for more content as always thanks for watching As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.
This episode was pre-recorded
as part of a live continuing education webinar on-demand CEUs are
still available for this presentation through all CEUs registered at all
CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox I’d like to welcome everybody today to the
presentation love me doesn’t leave me addressing fears of abandonment the purpose of this
presentation is really to help us help clients increase their awareness of their story including
beliefs about behavioral reactions to situations that trigger their fear of abandonment so how
do we do that well the first thing we need to figure out is what fear of abandonment is and how
can we identify it in a clinical set setting then we’re going to explore the concept of schemas or
core beliefs and these are things that are formed in early childhood you know if you remember
prior classes we’ve talked about early childhood cognition is generally very dichotomous in children
Young children can’t look at that gray area so these schemas if they’ve gone
unchecked can lead to some very extreme belief patterns which lead us into common traps in
thinking reacting and relationships if your schemas are based on all-or-nothing you either
love me or you’re going to leave me hence the name of the book then your reactions are going to
tend to be more extreme and more all-or-nothing which increases anxiety because then anytime
a person who perceives any amount of disapproval is going to go to that extreme so we
want to talk about bringing it more toward the middle line and helping people learn to appreciate
and love themselves for themselves while they may not approve of the behaviors of other people they can
still love other people so just because somebody doesn’t approve of your behavior doesn’t mean
necessarily that they’re going to abandon you so we’re going to talk about that and then we’ll
learn skills necessary to help people accept their past as part of their story maybe they do
have a lot of abandonment issues and you know some people do and it is painful it cuts
to the core especially when those abandonment issues occur in early childhood when kids going
what that does so we’re going to talk about that and help people learn how to integrate it into
their present and we’ll learn the skills necessary to acknowledge that their past does not have to
continue to negatively impact them in the present so if they were abandoned when they were a child
you know we need to deal with that however if they continue to expect that every significant person
in their life will abandon them notice I use the word every because we’re still in those extremes
then they’re going to think that the past is negatively impacting them in the present so we’ll talk about
how to sort of moderate those belief systems how does this impact recovery whether you’re talking
about addiction or mental health issues connection is a basic human need we are not meant for the
most part to be Hermits in the middle of the woods there are introverts and in my husband’s an
introvert he has a couple of excellent friends he needs quiet time each day he doesn’t need to
be surrounded by people and he’s fine but I mean we’ve got human connection he’s not going to be
one that’s just going to you know move out to the middle of nowhere I’m an extrovert on the other
hand and I tend to have a lot of acquaintances and a lot of friends I draw energy from
being around other people so just because someone doesn’t have 150 acquaintances doesn’t
necessarily mean they don’t need connections so we want to recognize that connection is a basic
human need when infants are born they are put on their mother’s chest when we embrace each
other whether it’s mother and child or friends or whatever a chemical called oxytocin is released
and it’s our bonding chemical we are programmed we are hardwired for connection and oxytocin is a
very rewarding chemical so we want to recognize this that if people are so afraid of abandonment
that they push everybody away what are they losing as far as quality of life as infants and children
survival is dependent upon the relationship with the primary caregiver so if mom or dad wasn’t
happy if mom or dad was rejecting the young child was pretty much helpless to think about a child
who’s growing up in a family that’s just riddled with addiction and mental health issues and the
primary caregiver or caregivers are completely emotionally unavailable they may be physically
there but they may be so high or so depressed or so psychotic that they cannot attend to the
child’s needs what does that communicate to the child the child feels abandoned the child
feels a sense of neglect for people’s beliefs about other people and relationships were formed largely
based on their interactions with their caregivers so if this child was going Mom I’m hungry and
nothing happened or worse yet child was going Mom I’m terrified and nothing happened or they
were just given a pacifier and told to shut up then that is they were told they were communicated
to that, their beliefs their feelings their wants, and their needs were not important so they were
being rejected healthy relationships serve up as a buffer against stress so even if they had all
these negative experiences in early childhood teenage years you know maybe up until
they walked into your office it doesn’t mean it has to continue and how much can they gain from
having healthy relationships with a lot of clients that I work with who have pretty significant
abandonment issues can’t even fathom trusting someone enough to be in a healthy relationship so
we’re going to talk about how to sort of ease into that because you’re not going to say don’t let
your past influence your future and we’ll wave a magic wand and they’re ready to trust people
even once you point out that what happened in the past was largely not their fault or maybe not
even if their fault at they they’re still going to have difficulty not accepting responsibility
and going everybody leaves me so what talk about that addressing beliefs that formed as a result
of these relationships the past dysfunctional relationships we can help people create a
new understanding of events was mom or dad or caregiver being rejecting were you being
abandoned emotionally and physically because of you or because mom or dad just was able to do what
they needed to do to be a caregiver then they were doing the best they could with
the tools they had but it wasn’t enough to meet your needs so we want to talk about alternate
explanations for why parents and caregivers may have behaved in that way if you have a young child well
an adult now but who was put up for adoption or abandoned by their caregivers at a young age the
a young child was probably very confused because one moment their caregiver was there in the
next moment they were in the system so they were trying to figure out what did they do wrong and why
doesn’t that person love me anymore it must be me because children really can’t see well you
know mom is not able to function as a parent right now or dad is having difficulty coping we
want to help people better understand themselves in their reactions so that when they start getting
this urge to just cut all ties and be like you know what fine you know I’ll take my ball and go
home no problem what does that mean at there’s a certain point in all relationships in all healthy
relationships that you know sometimes people have to distance themselves from one another because
it’s becoming dysfunctional but for the most part, people will in relationships encounter
hiccups will encounter disagreements but in healthy relationships, they can work through
them in relationships with people who fear abandonment there are going to be two extremes
there’s going to be complete compliance and please don’t leave me or complete disengagement
and whatever I don’t care the final thing we want to do is help make people more conscious of
what they’re doing so they can make healthy decisions in their current relationships so when
they get that urge to either comply or disengage is that a healthy normative reaction right now
or are you reacting out of your past experiences the abandonment experience in childhood survival
depends on caregivers a four-year-old left alone for five days is not going to do so well you
know they may be able to scavenge food but once the food runs out where do they get it you
know there’s only so much that a child can do an infant can’t even get food
so survival depends on their caregivers and if their caregivers fail to meet those needs there are
high levels of anxiety and I will refer regularly to emotionally unavailable caregivers
and emotionally absent in addition to physically unavailable or absent because some parents and I
worked in the field of co-occurring disorders for over two decades and some parents just they are so
overwhelmed and so paralyzed by life itself they can’t even attend to anything else that’s going
on they’re doing good just to be breathing but if they have a child and that child’s needs are
getting neglected and fear of abandonment is a natural survival response when your food source goes away
what happens you start to freak the freak out so this is normal we look at this and say that that’s
that’s natural if a child thinks about the first time you take a child to kindergarten or pre-k
or daycare or whatever it is and you drop the child off even if they’re securely attached what
do they cry because they’re afraid that mom or dad won’t come back and they’re afraid of
this new situation that’s changed securely attached children will you know to adjust and then be happy to
see mom or dad when they come back but the point is there’s that initial oh crap reaction meeting
biological needs and safety are key triggers for anxiety at any age so we’re talking about housing
we’re talking about safety we’re thinking about Maslow’s hierarchy if somebody is not meeting the
child’s needs or if the person is not getting their needs met then they may have high levels
of anxiety and I add to the safety concept not only physical safety but also emotional safety
people need to feel safe in their heads and they need to be free from emotional abuse when
focused on survival people can’t focus elsewhere so if they’re not getting their physical needs
met guess what you know if you take somebody who is in pain who is sick who is hungry and who is
homeless are they going to work on self-esteem are they going to work on relationship skills
no, they’re focused on survival they need to have those basic needs met they need to have a certain
sense of security if they are in a situation that is dangerous physically obviously they’re not
going to be focusing on how I can better myself when they’re worried about somebody coming in
and hurting them physically likewise, it’s hard to focus on how can I better myself when everywhere
they turn they perceive someone telling us you’re not okay you’re stupid you’re lazy you’re bad
you were the worst decision I ever made in my life they can’t focus on personal growth when
all they’re getting is these verbal beatdowns all the time so people need to have acceptance if
they don’t have acceptance kind the opposite of acceptance is abandonment two kinds of extremes
again we’ll bring it back to the middle every stressful situation becomes a crisis the in
securely attached child now you can go back to and read Bowlby’s work on secure and all that kind
of stuff great reading but for the short version of this presentation remember that certs securely
attached children feel anxiety when their parents leave but then they can adjust and they’re happy
to see the parents return in securely attached children feel a great amount of anxiety when
their parents leave and are terrified that mom or dad won’t come back and then when mom or dad does
come back it’s your very very clingy or very very rejecting so with this child that’s in securely
attached it’s just like one to a hundred as soon as something happens that they think they may be
abandoned you see this pattern again in adults who are still struggling with these abandonment issues
that schema that they’ve formed and I’m getting a little ahead of myself that schema that they form
says if you let this person at your site or if this person disagrees with you or if this person
criticizes you they’re rejecting you and they’re going to abandon you so we want to you know check
in with those cognitions and look for trying to make those thoughts a little bit more helpful in
infancy or early childhood if caregivers were away for long periods because of work because
of the military if they were in jail if they just chose to be away or if they passed away children
may experience some abandonment issues now if the parents are away because a parent is a way
because of work or military or even jail and the other parent can help the child work through it
there’s much less drama if you will there’s much less issue with abandonment issues in totality
now if it’s whatever parent it is if the pay if the father happened to be the one went away
that person may have some residual issues with adult figures in their life that they need to deal
with but they may not know I’m not saying that every child of a soldier or a service person
is going to have abandonment issues that are so not true however if the experiences of the time
apart was not handled in a way where the child felt secure then it could have consequences that
are going into the present day if in early childhood caregivers were consistently or unpredictably
physically or emotionally present so think about a parent who has major recurrent major depressive
disorder addiction or is just ill-equipped to deal with a child when I was working at the treatment
center in Florida I had 14 15 16 year old young women coming in and having babies and you know
what does a 14-year-old know about giving birth and raising a child it’s not that they weren’t
necessarily trying you know they didn’t have great role models raising them in most cases and so they
don’t have anything to work with they don’t know how to be a parent they’ve never been taught so
it’s not always I don’t want to pathologize or make the parents look like bad people because
I believe that people do the best they can with the tools they have at any given time parents
don’t choose to be sucky parents sometimes it happens but I don’t believe they choose to
anyhow off my soapbox in later childhood as the child becomes elementary school middle school
age if they’re a poor family fit or they feel like they’re the black sheep they just don’t
have the same beliefs that the other people do they don’t seem to have the same interest that
their family does they may not feel accepted especially if the family’s going no that’s wrong
to believe and invalidate them so going back to that psychological safety if they’re constantly
being told their ideas are stupid they’re wrong they have the wrong point of view and they can
feel very isolated something can happen that ruptures the relationship with the primary care
giver whether it’s abuse or you know some other trauma and introduction of a new less
emotionally or physically safe caregiver can also lead to abandonment if the child feels like the
biological caregiver chose a new spouse over him or her say if you see where I’m going with that
because if this new person comes in and is less safe is abusive in some way emotionally physically
sexually it doesn’t matter the child is going to feel like they didn’t have a voice the child
is going to feel like the biological caregiver didn’t care and brought this other person in
any way which leads to feelings of rejection and abandonment so what are the reactions
fight-or-flight whenever there’s a threat we fall back to fight or flight or freeze but we’ll
talk about that when there’s a threat our anxiety goes up and we say in the past in these kinds of
situations, if I fought, did I succeed if so then we’ve got fights in the past did I succeed, and if
the answer’s no then the response is to flee pretty simply so anger towards someone unavailable
if they got angry and felt like it got them some sort of acceptance from somewhere that might
be the prevailing reaction sadness when someone goes away a sense of helplessness this person
just left me shame or self-anger about feeling needy or about pushing someone away with fears related
to rejection and isolation, nobody will ever love my loss of control or the unknown everybody
always leaves see how I’m using these extreme words again and fear of failure I can’t maintain
a relationship nobody wants to be with me because I’m not good enough so the questions for clients
in these situations what caused these fears as a child so when someone starts to have these fears
about a relationship, if the relationship starts to get rocking first question is what is it that
you’re afraid of in this situation if you stay together what is it that you’re afraid of if this
the person leaves what is it you’re afraid of and how likely is it that this person is going to leave
based on whatever is going on right now so let’s get some objective evidence here and another
the tool you can use is the challenging questions worksheet in cognitive processing therapy if
you google it challenging questions worksheet CPT or cognitive processing therapy helps
people walk through the logic in some of their cognitions and identify some known as unhelpful
distortions so then after you figure out kind of what the fear is then we say what caused that as
a child in the past when you felt like this what caused that and how was this reasonable or helpful
you know in the past when you felt like this and you reacted in anger what was the outcome and
how was it helpful in some sort of way you know did it get somebody to pay attention to you did
it gets somebody to come to comfort you, okay so you were identifying the function of the current
behaviors and then we want to say what causes these fears now a lot of times it’s the same symp
or similar stuff but we could say how are these reactions now unhelpful because as independent you
know adult-type people we can fend for ourselves we can put food on the table we can go to work we
can do we can function independently whereas this is a child we couldn’t you know there were just
some barriers to that does that mean again that we should live in isolation and say well
I don’t need anybody no that’s not what I’m saying what I’m saying is is these fears that
are overwhelming about abandonment that causes people to push others away or cling on like you
know whatever clings on uh are these reactions helpful in the present day you know do you still
need to hold on to people like there’s no tomorrow temperament based on their temperament children
need different types and amounts of caregiver interaction um some children are wide open and
easily overstimulated you know my son was that way when he was born well to this very day um
when he’s awake he is like the Energizer Bunny on methamphetamine I’m he’s just going going
going and talking and talking to himself and he needed a lot of structure and he would get
overstimulated easily but we were able to help him figure out how to handle that instead of
getting mad at him for what seemed to be acting out we were able to help him channel and figure
out when he needed to take a break the introvert may not need as much one-on-one attention with
the caregiver may need a comforting word here and there but they may not need the amount of
the attention that an extrovert may need an extrovert tends to need more interaction with parents with
family with other people because they draw energy and they think while they talk and they think
while they talk with other people so they feel a lot more isolated if they are isolated so we
want to understand the person’s temperament and how they may or may not have gotten their needs
met how they may have been told they were wrong and invalidated when they were younger and you
can hear some of this is kind of going towards Linda hands DBT environment um but what we want to
look at what you need now how can we create an environment that’s accepting and welcoming
to you now based on their needs and caregivers’ reactions children form schemas or core beliefs
about the world and others so if they state their opinion and it’s squashed or it’s ridiculed then
they’re going to form this core belief that it is not safe ever to share my opinions because I am
always wrong now we’re talking about children here but a lot of times think back for yourself there I
think most of us have at least some all-or-nothing dichotomous thoughts that come in every once in
a while and you know we can catch them but if these dichotomies go unaddressed the person starts
feeling very lost and very abandoned because it’s all-or-nothing important points about children
under 7 from 8 to 12 children are developing alternative cognitive skills they’re
starting to be able to think abstractly they’re starting to be able to see the gray area and
alternate explanations but even you know during that period so zero to 12 children are having
difficulty envisioning all the possibilities so anything that happens before that we want to
encourage them to look at the schemas that were formed and challenge them to examine whether they
are currently accurate and helpful children think dichotomously when they’re that young it’s all
or nothing it’s good or bad it’s not kind of sort of something it is what it is I mean even think
about thinking back to grades that we would get it was satisfactory or unsatisfactory there was
no ABCD F when we were in elementary school and I don’t remember middle school then it was a
dichotomous grading scale you either did it or you didn’t children are egocentric so whatever happens
they say what was it about me that made this happen if mom’s in a bad mood what did I do if
you know Mom is rejecting stupid well I’m stupid children are very egocentric so you take
all or nothing combined with all about me and you can see we’re creating the perfect storm of children
can only focus on one aspect at a time when I work with adult clients you know they come in and they
tell me that they had an interaction with their boss he was walking down the hall and he was in a
bad mood and I just knew I did something and so we talked about that and I’m like how do you know
that because he had it he had an angry look on his face okay what are some other possibilities what
else might have been going on with him then and a lot of times we can brainstorm
ideas about a call he just got or where they just left a meeting that didn’t go so well or who
knows what else in this day and time when we’ve got our cell phones and PDAs and everything
there are a lot of things that can trigger a mood besides just whoever you pass in the hallway
children can’t think about those other things that might have triggered the mood they see somebody
unhappy and they’re like I’m sorry um so we want to encourage as adults we want to encourage them
to say all right what are the other possibilities even as children I try to work with my kids
to encourage them to look at alternate reasons why somebody may be acting a certain way children
can’t think abstractly and consider those possible options um even with kids you know knee-high
to a grasshopper if you’re in a situation and maybe in a store and somebody behaves not kindly
to you, you can talk about that later with the kids and say you know that was kind of unpleasant to go
through what you think might have caused that and brainstorm three ideas my favorite number is
three I don’t know why but brainstorm three ideas for alternate explanations for why that person
may have been in an unpleasant mood if children learn to do this when they’re younger it’s a
a lot easier to transition to as adults schemas are a broad way of perceiving things based on
memories feelings and thoughts it’s our go-to perception of what something’s going
to be like we have schemas about everything if you go to church you have a schema about what’s
going to happen when you go to your mother’s house you have a schema about how mom’s going to
behave and what’s going to happen we form these it’s our brain’s short shortcut instead of having
to analyze every situation it says oh I remember this been here before it’s probably going to be
like X Y Z unfortunately sometimes things change and one of the things we see in addictions
treatment as is as caregivers into recovery and get a hold on it and start working that
a new way of life and sobriety and all that stuff old family members or family members still expect
that old behavior they have that schema that when Jane comes in this is what’s going to happen
because they’re remembering how she behaved and acted in her addictive self so we want to help
people identify their schemas and check them sometimes they’re still accurate sometimes not so
much schemas that trigger abandonment fear center around the cell acceptability is this person going
to like me which is one of the reasons we do a lot of self-esteem work in reducing abandonment fears
because we want to reduce the need for people to solicit external validation we want them to say
I’m all that and a bag of chips and I would love to play with you but if you don’t want to play
I’m okay with that love ability if they were told they were unlovable if they perceived
they were unlovable then in the present, they may fear isolation they may fear that they’re not
lovable so they will try to do whatever they can or likewise they will build a lead wall that is 5
feet thick around them so nobody can hurt them they may have fears about their own
competence you know thinking back to Erikson you never thought some of these theorists from the
past would keep coming up even in current practice but they do if a child going through that period
of industry versus inferiority Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development and they felt
like a failure all the time or they were never good enough the parents never recognized their
positive achievements then they may question their competence and feel like a failure if they
feel like a failure they may feel they may believe that nobody wants to be around them so they will
leave so if I fail they will leave and fears may center around adaptability some people are not
able to tolerate any loss of control they’re just like that they’re holding on with a death grip to
the relationship to anything that’s going on and it starts to go wonky they are going to freak out
so we want to look at what does it mean if you’re not in control of everything what does it mean
if you trust that this person is going to do the next right thing if you are doing the next right
thing as well schemas that trigger abandonment fears can also be sent around center around others
if someone is rejecting distant cold or is unable to handle the person’s needs then the person may not
feel acceptable so if they are in relationships with people like this then we need to look at is
Is it you who’s not acceptable or is something else going on with that person that may be making
them unable to deal with anybody else’s stuff right now the person may feel isolated if other
people are absent if people fail to keep promises they may feel like nobody’s ever there for them
competence if other people are always critical then the person will question their competence
and if others are unpredictable a lot of the time when people who have anxiety about abandonment
they come from situations where other people have not been predictable or if they were they were
unpredictably absent and relationship of self to others if they are afraid about their ability to
relate with others if they’re afraid of rejection if they’re afraid that if they start to love they
will be rejected and then they will be isolated forever if they are afraid of the unknown and they
I just want consistency more than anything and as soon as consistency starts to waver a little
bit because as we grow things change and people with abandonment issues don’t like things to
change because that’s not predictable and that’s not consistent so they may have difficulty if one
the person starts to change what they do I see this a lot not saying that it’s an abandonment issue
necessarily but when law enforcement officers retire you know because they can retire after
20 years so they may start a new career and that causes a lot of change schedule changes
they’re not law enforcement anymore and the spouse sometimes has culty adjusting to it as
does the retired officer but controllability if the person holds on to relationships and
everything in their life with white knuckles because they’re so afraid if they let go of
control that they are going to disappear or disintegrate then if something seems like it’s not
in their control, it’s going to be a catastrophe so attachment Styles secure if there’s an
emotionally available caregiver the child will seek the caregiver for comfort and guess
what the caregiver will be there and will more often than not meet the need for comfort with the
the correct type of comfort so hungry cold scared kind of following the child’s upset when the caregiver
leaves especially in new situations but the child gets over it it’s not a child that’s going to sit
there and cry for eight hours and then the child’s happy when the caregiver returns in this kind of
attachment the child learns to trust others will be responsive to their needs and validate their
needs a child learns to be self-reliant and try new things but if they fail they know they can
return to the home base they can go out and go well that didn’t go as planned and the caregiver will be
there to say alright let’s figure out what to do next not You are such a failure the child learns
to adapt to a variety of situations because when they’ve been faced with something that’s a little
scary caregivers have been there to kind of coach them on and go you got this it’s scary I got it but
you can do it the child learns to deal with stress because the caregivers are there to coach them
or to process it with them afterward because the caregiver is not always physically there but if
you’ve got children you know sometimes they’ll come home from school and they’ve had a really
bad day and you’d pull them aside and go you know what’s going on let’s talk about it so in this way
the child learns to deal with stress and the child learns to have accurate expectations of others
in the secure attachment, emotionally available situation remember children are egocentric so
if mom’s upset the child goes what did I do or Oh my gosh I hope mom’s not going to leave in
a secure situation sometimes the parent has to say something like Mommy had a really bad day at
work today has nothing to do with you I need to go take a timeout that helps a child understand
that you know what it’s not all about me and I can understand that sometimes moms upset for
something besides me and I can understand that if moms Up said it doesn’t mean she’s going to
leave so obviously, this is the ideal situation avoidant attachment styles the rejecting or harsh
caregiver the person depends less on the caregiver for security because every time they go saying mom
Mom I had a nightmare can I come into bed with you they’re met with going back to your bed and the
caregiver rolls over it’s not oh I’m sorry you had a nightmare let me walk you back to your room
when the child is separated from the caregiver there’s little response when the caregiver leaves
or returns because the kids like what uses that person to me the child learns not to depend on
a caregiver for comfort connection or security now imagine yourself a four-year-old child or a
six-year-old child thinking I can’t count on my caregivers for comfort connection or security
that must be a terrifying place to be and I can see why you would develop some pretty strong
defense mechanisms the ambivalent relationship between the cave caregiver is inconsistent or can bow can’t
talk caregiver is inconsistent or chaotic this is true in a lot of homes where there are
at least one parent who is battling some sort of addiction or mental health issue so the parent
may or may not be available you don’t know what the good days are going to be you don’t know what
the bad days are going to be so the child may be anxious and afraid to try new things or explore
because they’re like things are going good right now I don’t want to top will be an applecart just
going to sit here and ride it out a child may be clinging and demanding trying to elicit a response
remembering negative attention is better than no attention at all and the child is upset when the
caregiver leaves but also inconsolable when the caregiver returns because you know I was upset
I was scared you went away but you came back and that’s good but I don’t know when you’re going
to go away again and if you’re going to come back so it’s this constant anxiety of abandonment
core abandonment beliefs all people leave so we want to challenge that by identifying exceptions
mistrust people will hurt reject take advantage of me or just not be there when I need them you
know what that’s true sometimes because people have their stuff so when this happens let’s
look at whether it’s happening all the time and/or let’s also look at what else might be going on
with that person that caused them to hurt reject take advantage or not be there when you needed
the emotional deprivation I never get the love I need nobody understands me cares about me or even
ever tries to meet my needs here how dramatic and extreme that is so one of the things as clinicians
we can do is say if you are getting the love you needed what would it look like what
would be different what is it that you need that you’re not getting once we identify
then we can create a plan to get it but a lot of times other people don’t understand or may not
be able to interpret what you need so let’s help let’s try to figure out how to make this happen
nobody understands me alright let’s talk about why that might be and you know let’s look at some
people who’ve kind of gotten a grasp sometimes with clients with abandonment beliefs nobody
understands me translates to I don’t give a buddy a chance and I cut them off as soon as they become
confused and because they associate confusion with rejection so we might talk about communication
skills we might work on what it is that people don’t understand and how to better communicate
that and where to find people who have similar interests nobody ever even tries to meet my needs
you know where I would look for exceptions but I would also challenge the person and I would
say when do you meet your needs what do you do to take care of yourself a lot of times
clients with abandonment beliefs are so freaked out and afraid of being abandoned that they’re
not taking care of themselves either they’re just living and paralyzed going back to fight
flee or freeze they’re living a paralyzed state of I want to be loved but if I love I’m gonna get
hurt and I don’t know what to do they don’t even love themselves so we want to start talking about
if you had your best friend you know create this best friend persona what would he or she say to
you what would he or she do right now let’s try to help you understand yourself with mindfulness exercises
are good here because a lot of times these clients don’t understand themselves they’ve got
so much anxiety they’re so afraid and they don’t know where it’s coming from because a lot of
it has been going on for so long defectiveness if people knew me they would reject me you know
not everybody’s going to like you why do you need everybody to like you why is it important that
everybody likes you and failure I don’t measure up and I’m not able to succeed I usually put pull
out the obnoxious quote that if you haven’t failed you haven’t tried and we talked about what it
means to get outside your comfort zone and you’re not going to be perfect at everything you’re not
going to be Michael Phelps you’re not going to be the president of the United States that doesn’t
mean that you’re a failure that doesn’t mean you’re a failure so what things are you
good at what can you and have you succeeded at and go back and look over things like you graduated
high school not everybody does that you know raised a family, not everybody does that so we
want to challenge all nothing’ languages we want to look for exceptions and we want to look
for in what ways can you provide yourself the validation so you don’t fear abandonment you don’t
need other people to tell you you’re okay because guess what you’re telling yourself I’m okay and
before I go on to unhelpful reactions I do want to point out that if we tell people to tell
themselves you know I’m okay that sounds great but if they don’t believe it if it’s not supported
with evidence, it’s probably going to slow their growth because they’re sitting there going
telling themselves I’m okay and in the back of their head going you know you’re not so we need
to get that internal critical voice to kind of hush up by providing the person with the objective
evidence of why they’re okay why they’re good enough and that’s a slow process it’s not going
to happen overnight but encourage people to figure out why they believe what they believe and then
you can work from there okay unhelpful reactions fighting with someone you don’t want to leave
me because so the person may engage in a dominant sort of posturing behavior aggression hostility
blaming and criticizing trying to tear down the other person to say you know what I don’t care
and it would help if you were grateful that I’m in your life recognizing and seeking to get attention and validation
or approval so if they feel something’s going wrong in a relationship they may start trying to
do something to gain recognition to prove that they’re worthy of a relationship for what they do
versus who they are manipulation and exploitation said lying justifying I did this because you made
me so sometimes we all occasionally do things that aren’t the nicest people who fear abandonment
have difficulty saying you know what I screwed up and they’re more likely to go you made me do
I wouldn’t have done it if you would have X Y & Z people again who are worried about a relationship
is going to fall apart and may also make excuses for other people’s inappropriate behavior it’s like
you know I hate what this person does but if I don’t make excuses for it if I condemn it
then this person is going to leave in counseling we can talk about the difference between loving a
person and loving a person’s behavior you know I love my kids to death there is no question about
that but some of their behavior makes me want to climb a wall I’m very clear to separate from them
the difference between the behavior that I dislike and them because you know like I said I love them
to pieces and we want to help people start making this differentiation if they don’t do it already
and clinging and chasing is the other fight reaction stalking and messaging somebody 47 times on
Facebook in an hour all these kinds of behaviors and even online bullying those sorts of things can
be fight reactions in response to feeling like there’s a threat of abandonment flight is more
of the I don’t care if you leave so the person will withdraw physically and emotionally and
maybe even numb themselves with some sort of addictive behavior or distract themselves with
something completely different or find a new person just proof that you know what I didn’t
need you because I’ve got this new person now questions for clients about core beliefs
all people leave okay so what does it look like if somebody’s available to you if they
don’t abandon you who in your past left you or was unavailable emotionally now a lot of
I find it helpful for mental health and addiction clients to have them write an
autobiography because then we can go back and kind of review it and identify the core
people at certain stages in a person’s life what did the person who left you do to make you
feel rejected or abandoned in retrospect you know it was hard to see the difference what
was going on back then because you were a kid in retrospect what are the alternate explanations
for why this may have happened was it you or was it more about them who in your past
has been available to you emotionally most of the time people can point to one maybe two people
who have generally been there it’s unreasonable to expect someone always to be there who in your
present is available to you emotionally you know maybe they’ve only been in your life for six
months or a year but they are available and I say emotionally because you know not everybody can
be available physically all the time we’ve got jobs kids all that kind of stuff but can you pick
up the phone and call them or text them and say hey you know what I’m struggling right now
what do you do in your current relationships that cause people to leave do you push them away if so
how what are alternatives to pushing them away cutting all ties and just saying fine be that way
I wipe my hands off you if you cling how do you do this in what ways do you perceive yourself as
being clinging and what are some alternatives to holding on with all desperation and mistrust people
will hurt reject or take advantage of me or just not be there when I need them so again what does
it looks like when somebody’s or what does it feel like when someone is trustworthy and safe who in
your past was untrustworthy or unsafe what do they do they taught you this and what are alternate
explanations who in your past has been trustworthy and safe who in your present is available and
trustworthy What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest that’s one of those tricky
questions you’re there talking about other people other people then it’s like what
do you do to yourself how do you lie to your self or how are you mean and hateful to yourself
how does your distrust of other people or even yourself impact your current relationships some
people distrust their internal intuition so much that they don’t want to make friends with
other people, they’re like I can’t tell who’s going to hurt me and who won’t so just yeah I’m
going to wipe my hands of it all what could you do differently what do you think you could do
to start building trust and what does it look like to build trust because Trust doesn’t
just appear it builds gradually emotional deaths deprivation I don’t get the love I need nobody
understands me so again what does it look like when somebody understands you and meets your
needs who in the past failed to meet your needs emotionally and how can you deal with that now
you know it may have been mom it may have been ex-husband it may have been you know who knows
how can you deal with it now yourself so you can put it to rest who in your past is understood
you who in your present understands you how can you start again better understanding yourself
because it’s hard for other people to understand us when we don’t even understand ourselves and
what can you do to start getting your needs met one of the things was starting to get your own
needs met is to figure out what your needs are and this is one of the exercises I have people do as
a homework assignment they keep track of what is it they want daily keep a log and then
let’s talk about what common themes were seeing if people knew me they would reject me okay so how
do you know when you’re accepted or acceptable to someone who when you’re past may make you feel
defective are there alternate explanations and how can you silence those old tapes because
that person that statement stays as a heckler in the gallery we need to hush the heckler what
can you do part of it could be talking back and saying you know what I’m not going to listen
or I don’t have time for this right now who’s been accepting and supportive who is in your life
that’s accepting and supportive and how can you start accepting yourself and being compassionate
so some compassion focus training mindfulness work to help people understand themselves and start
being compassionate with themselves understanding their vulnerabilities and cutting themselves some
slack I don’t measure up I’m not able to succeed okay that’s a pretty big success you know what
is what success means success means different things to different people so what does it look
like to you to be successful let’s kind of hammer that out what is it if you are successful what
would be different what in your past has made you feel like a failure what are some alternate
ways of viewing it such as a learning experience or something I had to go through to grow or you
know brainstorming alternate explanations for why people fail they don’t have a response to
sometimes I ask them to kind of take on a flip role and say pretend you’re a parent and
your child comes home and they’ve tried out for the football team and they didn’t make the team
they failed what are you going to tell on what have you succeeded at doing in the past what are
you good at in the present and we want to pay attention to minimization here because a
a lot of our clients are not good at identifying their strengths what does being successful mean in
terms of your relationship with others do you have to be successful to be loved and be a
good relationship you know you’re going to be successful in a relationship if you’re
but do you have to be financially successful and powerful whatever you define success as in
order to be in healthy relationships who are three successful people you know and what makes
them successful in your eyes does success equal happiness you can do a whole group on that and
what do your kids need to do to be successful in life you know we want our kids to succeed we
want our kids to be happy so what is it that I envision my child’s life to be 10 to 15 years from
now triggering relationships the abandoner is unpredictable unstable and unavailable the
abusive relationship is untrustworthy and unsafe the deprived err depriving relationship the
a person is detached or withholding the Devastator is always judgmental rejecting and critical and
the critic is critical and narcissistic usually a lot of times people replay their past to try to
kind of get it right the second time so we want to look at do you have a habit of getting into
relationships with people who are not safe we can also ask them how do you exhibit these behaviors
in what ways are these behaviors present your current relationships and in what ways were these
present and your primary caregiver relationships behavioral triggers abandonment and mistrust
if somebody starts acting differently they change their behavior in some way a person who fears
abandonment goes oh that’s not good if they’re not getting constant reassurance that’s
that external validation can trigger abandonment fears so again we want to work
on internal validation and why is it that you feel you need constant reassurance from the other
person’s relationships feel threatening so work relationships those sorts of things the
a person who has abandonment issues won’t want their significant other around other people
and they become hyper-vigilant to rejection and disconnection even if it’s just somebody
going I had a really bad day I need 20 minutes and go into the room and shut the door
the person with abandonment issues will likely have a high level of anxiety so we want to ask
how these behaviors have threatened them in the past what are alternate explanations for why this
is happening with this person right now and what would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors
now so this is happening what would be a helpful reaction instead of assuming that the sky is
going to fall defectiveness and failure so if somebody is critical if they have unexplained time
apart there’s absent or inconsistent reassurance or if the person tells them they’re a failure
these or they fail at something these could all be behavioral triggers they could be like I
failed at something I’m not getting reassurance this relationship is fixin’ to end questions how
is this threatened you in the past alternate explanations and what would be a helpful
reaction to this particular situation right now envisioning activity what does a healthy
the relationship looks like presence versus abandonment acceptance versus rejection emotional support
versus emotional unavailability trustworthy versus untrustworthy and safe versus harmful
these are extremes what does it look like to be a middle ground there are going to be exceptions
you know things are going to happen so what does a healthy relationship look like and how do you
deal with exceptions if somebody’s not always present how can you create this relationship with
yourself that’s the big one and then how can you create this relationship with others’ mindfulness
questions what am I feeling what’s triggering it am I safe right now and if not what do I need to
is this bringing up something from the past if so how is this different how am I different
then I was when I was six or four and how can I silence my inner critic and finally what
would be a helpful reaction that would move me more toward my goals and a positive
emotional experience summary core beliefs about the self and others are formed in early
life due to children’s lack of knowledge of other experiences and primitive cognitive abilities
these core beliefs are often very dichotomous core beliefs can be formed around events or
experiences outside of the conscious memory identifying and being mindful of abandonment
triggers in the present can help people choose alternate more helpful ways of responding in
the present in Secure and Loved loved me don’t leave me are two excellent books
there are Google previews if you want to look at them to see if it’s something that you like
but they do take what we talked about in this presentation and expand upon it a whole bunch
more if you enjoy this podcast please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on
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a 20% discount off your order this month you As found on YouTubeSeanCooper🗯 The Shyness & Social Guy ⇝ The 3 WORST Mistakes You Must AVOID If You Want To Overcome Shyness (PLUS: 1 weird trick that targets the root biological cause of shyness so you can stop being nervous, awkward, and quiet around people…) http://flywait.darekw.hop.clickbank.net/ By Sean Cooper, The Shyness & Social Anxiety Guy. The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you may have already reached a point where you feel your shyness is NOT going away on its own… or you fear it’s getting worse and worse. And I don’t want you to waste one more day living a life where you feel left out, bored, or depressed because you don’t have the relationships which would make you happy. That’s why I’ve put together this page to help you avoid the worst mistakes that keep many people stuck with shyness for years… often giving up hope of ever improving as you watch other people have interesting “normal” lives without you. Yet this doesn’t have to happen.