diverseskills

Michael Ian Black sort of wants to be an assassin, and he thinks you do too

http://twitter.com/#!/andylevy/status/207276905005719553

Don’t lie to yourself. You’ve sat down, watched a Jet Li movie, or perhaps one of those fancy modern-day ninja films, and you’ve thought, “damn, wish I could do that stuff.” There’s just something about assassins that reeks of cool. The weaponry, the fighting technique passed down through the ages, and a really sleek attire. Granted, you have to actually kill people, but if you can ignore that for a few seconds, it isn’t hard to really appreciate the lifestyle.

Comedian Michael Ian Black wanted to clear some things up about assassins, making sure he wasn’t alone in his topic of daydreams:

Quick check: pretty much everybody sort of wants to be an assassin, right?

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 29, 2012

Raise your hands now, don’t be shy. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here.

@michaelianblack I don't want to live in a world where that isn't the majority's life goal.

— Sarah Roethke (@Sarah_saysstuff) May 29, 2012

Been asking you for lessons, dammit. || RT @michaelianblack: Quick check: pretty much everybody sort of wants to be an assassin, right?

— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) May 29, 2012

https://twitter.com/KaseyAnderson/status/207277548676194304

I could see myself doing it. RT: @michaelianblack: Quick check: pretty much everybody sort of wants to be an assassin, right?

— Dave (@ahomelessguy227) May 29, 2012

Basically. RT @michaelianblack: Quick check: pretty much everybody sort of wants to be an assassin, right?

— Jack (@SkipTerrio) May 29, 2012

@michaelianblack @andylevy @SteveHuff I just shot my foot again, Michael. Do u have any antiseptic in ur secret assassin closet I can borrow

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) May 29, 2012

Whew. Let’s all pray this little operation never gets off the ground.

Every Time A Cat Cleans Itself…

Hey, John Kerry, look at what else is ‘unbelievably small’ [pics]

http://twitter.com/#!/DennisDMZ/status/377146537769320448

Snicker. Ask for an answer and ye shall receive, Mr. Miller!

http://twitter.com/#!/jeffemanuel/status/377070285754998784

Oh yes. It is.

Mary Katharine Ham and Rep. Stockman scored earlier on Monday with their snicker-worthy zingers aimed at John Kerry for his absurd “unbelievably small” remark in defense of Syria strikes. But the mock-tastic tweets did not end there.

First up, some hilarious “quotes”:

http://twitter.com/#!/TheRickWilson/status/377062844979638272 http://twitter.com/#!/TheRickWilson/status/377063897284358145 http://twitter.com/#!/therealjavery/status/377065927529209856 http://twitter.com/#!/TheRickWilson/status/377066232467316736

Oh, Twitter! Never change. Those are as good as the side-splitting Obama-style “time-sensitive” quotes.

It continued: With more hashtag!

http://twitter.com/#!/berkeleysquare/status/377126991662563329 http://twitter.com/#!/PaulHsieh/status/377090175769133056 http://twitter.com/#!/DeTroyes1/status/377125378046705664

Yep. As Ace of Spades and a fantastic picture noted, anti-war is out and “war is cool” is in. Just ask actor Richard Lewis: What’s really important? Because, Bush.

http://twitter.com/#!/wbdnewton/status/377108492055638016 http://twitter.com/#!/ThePantau/status/377109081606987778

Precisely.

What could make this hashtag even better? Some hilarious pic-snarking:

http://twitter.com/#!/Rubiconski/status/377146802589278209 http://twitter.com/#!/EWErickson/status/377070677787811841 http://twitter.com/#!/Shaughn_A/status/377138716248002560 http://twitter.com/#!/JohnFict/status/377109360154906624 http://twitter.com/#!/Shaughn_A/status/377122892082733056 http://twitter.com/#!/Mattphilbin/status/377134963478380544 http://twitter.com/#!/Mattphilbin/status/377137314335436800

Aching sides!

And for the truth-win:

http://twitter.com/#!/Ringo6/status/377136687115018240

Mock-tastic! Mary Katharine Ham, Rep. Stockman zing John ‘unbelievably small’ Kerry

John McCain slams John Kerry over ‘unbelievably small’ remarks

Richard Lewis: Syria? Whatever! What’s really important to remember is: Because, Bush

‘Unbelievably incompetent’: John Kerry says attack on Syria will be ‘unbelievably small’

Smack! Remember Benghazi? Fred Thompson has key question for John Kerry

Out: Anti-war; In: War is ‘cool’: Ace of Spades, one photo destroy anti-war Left hypocrisy

Zzzzyria? Lauren Sivan snark-slams John Kerry, offers idea for ‘greatest weapon’ [pic]

‘Not yet begun to fight, because it isn’t time sensitive’: Slamming POTUS with Obama-style quotes

Report saying Obama seeking Syria response ‘just muscular enough not to get mocked’ gets mocked

Search for child turns up remains of long-missing Maine man

http://twitter.com/#!/lostnmissing/status/183890872998432768

The Daily Mail:

Maine police searching for a missing baby girl uncovered the remains of a 53-year-old man who disappeared eight years ago.

Steven Brandon of Waterville, Maine, was reported missing in 2004. On Saturday his ID was found among the remains by detectives hunting for Ayla Reynolds who will turn two in April.

The toddler was last seen on December 16 at her father’s home, also in Waterville, aged 20 months. Dad Justin DiPietro rang police the following morning after finding her bed empty.

http://twitter.com/#!/chrisrock/status/356419946563112963Finally, Chris “happy white people’s independence day” Rock weighed in on the Zimmerman verdict. And it was chock-full of idiocy, as expected!Bless his race-card-playing heart. Some of his Twitter fans upped the asinine:http://twitter.com/#!/SunnyAnderson/status/356420867745517573Trials! We don’t need any stinkin’ trials! Twitter users helpfully provided a Teachable Moment:http://twitter.com/#!/Big_Stereotype/status/356421191977811971 http://twitter.com/#!/wreave/status/356435225779240960 http://twitter.com/#!/sistertoldjah/status/356459833525932032Proof! Aye, there’s the rub. Pesky trials and facts and such.http://twitter.com/#!/preppygator/status/356426638545784832But, hey, what else can we expect from “comedian” Chris Rock?http://twitter.com/#!/sistertoldjah/status/356461697571106816Indeed. Remember, this is the same man who took cuckoo pants to a new level when he proclaimed that President Obama is our “boss” and “the dad of the country.”Related:Full Twitchy coverage of Chris Rock Full Twitchy coverage of the George Zimmerman trialRead more: http://twitchy.com/2013/07/14/stop-misinforming-chris-rock-responds-to-zimmerman-verdict-with-overwhelming-idiocy/