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Good morning everybody and welcome to this  episode of integrative behavioral health   care i’m your host dr dawn elise snipes today  we are talking about one of the affective   aspects of integrative behavioral health we’re  talking about releasing anger in all its forms and  
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anxiety and depression so what are we really  talking about well when i say anger in all of its   forms what i’m talking about is obviously anger  hatred irritation resentment guilt which is anger   at yourself for something jealousy which is anger  at somebody else for something that they have  
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envy which is similar to jealousy just kind of a  different word and grief grief remember is also   going to be talked about over in depression  because when we go through the grieving process   we go through denial anger bargaining depression  and acceptance not necessarily in that order when  
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i’m talking about anxiety i’m talking about  the various forms from just general stress   to worry fear panic and depression  is obviously you’ve got your   quote run-of-the-mill depression  your clinical depression and the  
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depression that comes along with grief so we’re  talking about all of these dysphoric feelings when we hold on to dysphoria it keeps our hpa  axis revved it’s kind of like training with a   bungee cord you are trying to get away from it but  the the dysphoric feelings are like this little  
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guy back here that is just holding you back it’s  taking your energy and you’re trying to get away   but you’re just kind of stuck physically when  that happens it drains our energy it can alter   our sleep quality because we are on high alert  it can increase inflammation it reduces immunity  
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you know all of the things that we talk about  that happen when that hpa axis stays activated   for too long affectively when we’re dysphoric  a lot of times we don’t have just one simple   dysphoric emotion if we have depression we may  also have guilt and anger and resentment on top  
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of it so affectively when we are feeling unhappy  there are often a lot of associated emotions in   acceptance and commitment therapy hayes talks  about that as dirty discomfort so if you want   to learn more about that you can watch one of  the videos on acceptance and commitment therapy  
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i digress cognitively when we are in hpa axis  overdrive we are not going to think as clearly   or as flexibly because we are in fight-or-flight  mode we kind of have tunnel vision going on   so it’ll be easier once we release this dysphoria  to think you know more broadly to think more  
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flexibly we’ll have more energy in our environment  and more energy to devote to our relationships   when we are not nurturing the unpleasant feelings  which will improve our relationships and hopefully   improve our environment so let’s talk about some  of these things anger remember is your fight  
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part of the fight or flee anxiety is the flea  part of fight or flee and depression is the forget   about it part of fight or flee anxiety and anger  are responses to perceived threats remember when   you feel anxious when you feel angry it doesn’t  necessarily mean there is a threat in this context  
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at this point in time it means there might be  and you need to use that energy that your body is   freed up for you to check it out to make sure that  you’re safe to make sure that there is no threat   depression indicates a state of helplessness  and hopelessness which can be a response to  
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an ongoing threat with no hope of resolution  if you are exposed to something and you know   you just can’t seem to escape it it can you can  feel depressed you can feel hopeless and helpless   depression can also occur as a result of grief  over the loss of something or someone important  
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you know that is again a sense of hopelessness and  helplessness you’re not going to be able to get   that person or thing back so you may go through  a grieving period of depression where you lament   not having that thing in your life but it also is  an opportunity to reflect on the things that are  
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important in your life and redirect your  energy towards some of those things to be   to nurture them while they are still there so  sometimes depression can serve a motivating   focus to help you kind of get um some wind at  your back again it takes energy to stay angry  
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anxious or depressed and to complain and to blame  so we want to figure out what’s a better way   to use that energy you have to make a choice  and you notice that is italicized bolded and   underlined you have to make a choice to use your  energy to improve the next moment and you may not  
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have very much energy you may only have a sliver  of energy or an ounce or a drop or however you   want to categorize it but that energy that you  do have you have to make a choice how to use it   when i talk about dysphoria a lot  of times i use a dog poop analogy  
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we have a lot of dogs in our house so it makes  sense to me but i can be sitting at the table   or sitting on the living room in the  living room and start smelling dog poop   and that is kind of like my hpa axis telling me  that there might be a threat because you know  
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i get angry when i start to smell that i’m like  oh who did what where now it doesn’t necessarily   mean that there is dog poop somewhere in the  house one of my dogs could have just passed gas   and they do that very well thank you very  much but i have a choice at this point  
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i can sit on the sofa and get angry about the fact  that a dog may have pooped somewhere in the house   and it’s stinking up my house and it’s making  me angry that it’s stinking up my house   and i can complain about it but is that  going to do anything to resolve the smell no  
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a better use of my energy is probably  to get up and look around to see   is it dog poop or did somebody just pass  gas because that helps me figure out you   know whether there’s a problem or it’s  it’s something else that may be fleeting  
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your choice when you feel distressed  you feel anxious you feel angry you feel   depressed for some reason all right notice that  acknowledge that accept it non-judgmentally that’s   your body telling you to do something it’s telling  you that something may not be right and you need  
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to check it out all right so what do we do once  we figure out what’s going on we need to make sure   we’re safe you know look around make sure you’re  safe if not do what you need to do to get safe   but then choose your energy for  how to improve the next moment  
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it could be to use your distress tolerance skills  it could be to take a shower and get dressed   when people are grieving or depressed sometimes  get taking a shower and getting dressed is a   monumental task but if you can at least do that  that day i remember when my kids were young  
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and i had postpartum depression with  both of them but a lot worse with my son   just getting up and taking a shower and getting  depre getting dressed was seemed like a monumental   task some mornings but i felt a lot better after i  did it partly because i got up and got out of bed  
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but partly because when i forced myself to do that  i was helping to reset those circadian rhythms   you may use your energy to make a doctor’s  appointment if you are feeling clinically   depressed or you just can’t seem to shake that  anxiety maybe what you need to do is see a doctor  
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and get evaluated for any physiological causes  of what’s going on or you know maybe you want to   consider a short course of medicine that’s an a a  reasonable choice you may choose to call a friend   or to pray sometimes screaming into a pillow when  you’re angry can help and that may seem juvenile  
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but let’s think about it we know that when we  breathe in hold and breathe out when we slow our   breathing down it actually triggers the relaxation  response well when you scream into a pillow what   are you doing you’re taking a big breath in you’re  holding it for a second and then you are exhaling  
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and it’s really slow so yes you’re screaming but  you’re also slowing your breathing which can help   release some of that tension and  start triggering the rest and digest   you can also practice deep breathing and maybe  even add in a little aromatherapy take in that  
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breath that soothing smell back when i was  very young there was a a commercial for calgon   bath bath beads or bubbles or whatever it was  and their their slogan was uh calgon take me away   and you could see this woman just soaking  down into her tub and taking this deep breath  
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and letting all the stress go so aromatherapy can  have a place deep breathing we know has a place   but it’s up to you to figure out what  is the best way to use my energy now   you can ask yourself how is what i’m doing  right now helping me to improve the next moment  
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and i would ask you right now how  is what you’re doing right now   helping to improve the next moment you know maybe  you’re learning by watching this you’re learning   about uh or hoping to learn about new skills that  you can use to help you de-stress when you get  
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anxious or maybe you’re hoping to find something  that you can use right now i don’t know what can   you do as soon as this broadcast is over to  improve the next moment even if you’re having   a great day what can you do to make it even better  what can you do to continually use your energy to  
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work towards that rich and meaningful life that’s  filled with happiness that you hope to have feeling threatened or hopeless  so angry anxious or depressed   represents a state of powerlessness we don’t  like to feel powerless because that makes us  
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feel vulnerable it makes total sense and  even the primitive parts of our brain   back in that amygdala says says i don’t like  this i don’t want to keep feeling this way   all right that is reasonable what are your early  warning signs of anger anxiety and depression  
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sometimes if we can catch these things early  before irritation turns into rage it’s easier to   check it out improve the next moment and reverse  course what can you do so when you notice these   signs you can de-escalate what helps you when you  start getting angry what helps you de-escalate  
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is it going on a walk is it taking some deep  breaths what works for you keep a list of   these things because when you’re in that moment  when you’re in that zone you’re not going to be   thinking broadly about okay what are my options  you want the distress to stop so it’s nice to  
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have a little list right there by your computer on  your mobile device wherever that can help you out along with this when you start feeling  angry anxious depressed what can others do   to accommodate or help you sometimes it just  means getting out of your way and leaving you  
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alone so you can have a minute to yourself some  people really just need some me time other people   need a hug some people want someone to talk  to what is it that other people can do for you   when i worked in community mental health that  was one of the questions that we would ask  
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everybody at admission when you are experiencing  distress what things are most helpful for us to do   and what things do you absolutely not  want us to do what things are most   not helpful um and and that gave people  the option or the ability to state  
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when they were clear-headed and able to  think about the options um what would be   most helpful and give us a clue about what might  actually make the matters make matters worse   another thing that you can do before we release  it we’ve got to figure out what causes it and  
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what to do about it so another thing that you can  do is identify what are your triggers in general   what things generally make you  angry you know i get irritable um   with people who are rude for example um and going  through and identifying the things that trigger  
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your emotions you know i get depressed when  i see an animal or a person that’s suffering   so i know that’s one of my things once you  identify these situations that are general   triggers for you identify what aspects of  the situation you have power over what can  
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you do to feel empowered in this situation  with animals you know i can’t rescue every   animal i’ve had to accept that but i can engage  in animal rescue i can engage in animal advocacy   so in terms of my depression about animals who are  suffering that’s something that i have power over  
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i don’t have power over you know backyard  breeders and other things so thinking about   each of your general triggers identifying what  aspects you have power over will help you so   whenev whenever you encounter those situations  you don’t automatically feel powerless you know  
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that okay there are some things that i can do in  this situation that can help me feel empowered in what ways is holding on to your anxiety anger  or depression helpful to you and yes it can be   helpful we hold on to it for a reason a  lot of people hold on to their anxiety  
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because they’re afraid if they let it go then  they won’t be alert to threats that are going   on so examining you know what is motivating  you to hold on to these feelings and in what   ways is holding on to those dysphoric emotions  unhelpful now remember i said at the beginning  
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ident feeling them identifying them accepting  them non-judgmentally that’s always helpful   that’s your brain trying to communicate  to you holding on to them and nurturing   them for hours on end without doing anything  about them that can sometimes be unhelpful  
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what are you afraid will happen if you let  go of your anxiety anger and depression   is that belief accurate is the belief that  if i let go of my anger at this person   they will hurt me again is that belief accurate  well and and we talked about this you know a  
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couple weeks ago when we talked about anger  not necessarily forgiveness just means letting   go of that anger just means you are choosing  not to give them a steady dose of your energy   all the time it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting  what they did it doesn’t mean you’re not learning  
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from what they did it doesn’t mean that you’re  not protecting yourself from them it means that   you’re choosing not to invest that emotional  energy over there you’re choosing to save that   for your rich and meaningful life and  those relationships that are important
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once you’ve identified what you’re afraid will   happen what can you do to address  those fears to keep yourself safe the next thing you can do is make three  lists identify you know one for anxious  
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one for angry and one for depressed identify  what you currently are anxious about what you   currently are angry about what you currently are  depressed about once you have it down on paper   you can start dealing with it you know get it  out there so you can see it and then you can  
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start crossing them off your list as you deal with  them for each one of those situations ask yourself   become mindfully aware what are the facts  about this issue in this context at this time   am i safe if not what can i do to get safe  safety is always the first priority how does  
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this situation remind me of a past time when i  felt powerless and what is similar and different   in this situation you may be in a relationship  this it often comes up in relationships   you’ve been in bad relationships in the past  you’re in a relationship now and you start feeling  
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abandonment anxiety you start feeling anxious well  okay am i safe from abandonment right now am i   safe in my person if not what can i control to  get safe you can’t control whether that other   person comes or goes but what can you do to  make sure that you’re safe from harm how does  
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this remind me of that past relationship when  i felt powerless okay you know maybe that your   significant other is engaging in similar behaviors  all right so what’s similar and different in this   situation well one big thing is it’s a different  significant other so we do want to consider that  
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and asking yourself you know do i know that for a  fact for a fact that this person’s behaviors and   the way they’re acting mean the same thing  that that other person’s behaviors meant   and the chances are probably not so it’s  important to look at that transference  
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and not hold people and situations in the present  hostage for something that happened in the past   be informed by the past but judge the present on  its own merits what part of this situation do i   have control over what are my toward options so  let’s stay with abandonment anxiety for right now  
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one of my tour options might be talking to my  significant other and telling them how i’m feeling   and why or asking them about what’s going on maybe  another toward option is to call my best friend   and run it by her see what her take is on it  because she’s more objective maybe going on a  
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walk is a better tour option because sitting  there stewing over it isn’t doing me any good   you see where i’m going here figuring out what  part what parts of the situation do i have control   over how can i improve the next moment how can  i keep myself safe and improve the next moment  
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and then finally what is the probability that  if i do what i can to improve the situation   that there will still be a terrible outcome you  know what’s the probability that if i talk to   my significant other that i am going to find  out that they are getting ready to abandon me  
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what’s the probability that that’s going  to happen what’s the probability that   if i use my energy proactively that the  worst case scenario is going to play out   most of the time the probability of  the worst case scenario is pretty small
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okay so you’ve figured out what you are  angry anxious or depressed about you’ve   started identifying ways you can improve the  next moment to deal with it once you have done   all that you can you have this residual feeling  of anxiety or dysphoria sometimes or tension  
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sometimes a situation can can’t be completely  resolved right now you have to have patience and   during that time when you’re have quote having  patience stewing on or continuing to hold on to   that anxiety or anger or depression just in case  that’s not doing you any good because continuing  
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to be anxious isn’t solving the problem so once  you’re safe you’ve done what you can to improve   the next moment it’s important to trigger that  relaxation response continuing to stay revved is   only going to impair your health your energy  your happiness and maybe your relationships  
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so make a choice i’ve identified the problem i’ve  done what i can now i’m going to make a choice   to use my energy in a more positive way and you  can use the acronym cats if you want contributions   if you engage in contributory activities to help  others maybe you go help help your neighbor do  
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yard work or go volunteer somewhere that may  get your mind off of it that also promotes   serotonin dopamine and oxytocin release  activities to distract yourself and increase   positive emotions that also is going to increase  your serotonin and your dopamine and when you’re  
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proactively doing these activities that you enjoy  it’s going to down regulate that hpa axis because   you’re helping as serotonin and dopamine go up  cortisol is going to go down thought restructuring   embracing the good with the bad trying to focus  on the positives you know any of those cognitive  
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behavioral tools that you want to try to use those  are things that you can do when those unpleasant   thoughts start to resurface again you can try  to restructure those thoughts so they are more   powerful so they were that sorry so they  reflect you having more power in that situation  
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instead of reflecting a sense of hopelessness and  helplessness and s stands for sensation immersion   we’ve talked in other videos about how  aromatherapy massage just walking outside and   feeling the sun beat on your face for a minute not  for too terribly long can help release serotonin  
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and dopamine and endorphins exercising can also  help release those so you start using your energy   to promote those positive neurotransmitters and  start feeling better start improving your energy   deep breathing and guided imagery can also  be helpful now these there are a lot of  
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different techniques that you can use one that  i like is when i’m feeling uh anxiety or anger   when i inhale you know and it’s  the deep breathing inhale for eight   hold exhale for eight when i inhale i  envision the air coming into my body  
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being this brilliant blue color i love blue  so blue and it’s calming and it’s cooling   i hold it for a second as as i exhale that blue  has turned to red it’s absorbed all of the anger   and anxiety and as i exhale i envision that  air coming out being red and taking all of the  
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hot emotions with it when i’m depressed i do the  same thing but instead as i inhale i inhale yellow   yellow is cheerful to me sometimes it’s purple  but we’ll stick with yellow for this as i inhale   i inhale yellow and when i exhale i’m exhaling  all of the blackness all of the darkness that  
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i’m feeling and you know you need to do it a few  times but it can be helpful it occupies your mind   and it also slows your breathing slows your  heart rate and triggers that rest and digest   when you’re inhaling remember feel the power  and positive energy pulsing through your body  
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when i do it i inhale i feel that blue  coming in and almost like it’s joining   with my blood and going through all of my veins  and arteries and scouring for anger and anxiety   to absorb it um sort of thinking about it that  way but feeling it come in and energize your body  
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you can use progressive muscular relaxation and  i have a video on that on the youtube channel   there are other people that have  progressive muscular relaxation videos   but the big thing to remember with progressive  muscular relaxation is to focus on two things  
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noticing being able to actually relax your  muscles and feeling that tension and energy   move out of your body so i like to start from  the head and move down and every time i tense   and then i release i imagine the enter the  energy and the distress being pushed out  
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being pushed further down kind of like  when i’m power washing the sidewalk   and then it goes out my fingertips  and out my toes eventually   so with progressive muscular relaxation you start  we’ll start at the top start at your head as you  
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inhale you tense your scalp muscles you hold that  for a second you notice what it feels like tense   and then you actually relax and you feel those  muscles relax when you feel those muscles relax   what’s happening actually is the blood flow is  going back to that area but you can envision the  
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blood coming in and grabbing the tension and  moving it out of your scalp and you do that   for every muscle group all the way down to your  toes when you tense hold your breath notice what   that tension feels like as you exhale say in your  head relax and feel the tension moving out of your
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body can also try to release some of this the  distress with what i call positive power mantras   breathe in hold it for a second and  then as you exhale say your mantra   a few i am strong i am courageous i can get  through this or i am loved i have people who  
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will help me god loves me i am safe loved and  protected or i choose to be calm and at peace   you can write your own positive power  mantra but basically you are trying to   reassure and nurture yourself just like a  loving parent would have done to help you  
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feel calmer and relaxed even if the  adversity is not completely resolved   you can try turning your focus instead of focusing  on the problem turning your attention saying okay   the problem exists but i’m going to shelve it  you know sitting here focusing on the fact that  
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my arm’s broken isn’t going to make it heal any  faster so okay my arm’s broken got it i’m gonna   focus on these other things over here that  are that i’m grateful for you can also do   a mindfulness activity and really focus on the  present moment and when you start feeling that  
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anxiety or depression creeping back in again  check make sure you’re safe as long as you’re   safe and you’ve done everything you can identify  the positive things that you notice right now with guided imagery you can go to your happy  place and i have a couple different guided imagery  
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meditations on the youtube channel but it just  helps you to sort of transport yourself in your   mind to a place where you can completely relax you  can also visualize yourself becoming happy in the   moment imagine okay i’m not feeling great right  now i’m going to visualize what’s the next thing  
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i’m going to do to start feeling happier visualize  you know the next 10 15 minutes and see yourself   doing things or see yourself getting happier  some people like to journal about it get it out   on paper and then give it to the universe you  know once it’s there you don’t have to worry  
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about forgetting about it you write it down and  you can give it to the universe some people prefer   to give it to god their higher power whomever but  once you get it out then you can put it in a box   and choose to revisit it then you have a choice  about all right i’m going to leave that there  
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some people like they feel they need to revisit  it periodically other people once they put it in   that box it’s like okay i’ve done all i can do  i’m going to put it on the shelf for right now   try doing exercise or something cathartic to  redirect that energy and promote the release  
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of endorse endorphins cathartic means  using that energy in a way that helps you feel a little bit better for example going out  and taking a ball if you’re angry going out and   taking a ball and throwing it as hard as you can  against the wall playing um a handball basically  
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for a little while um exercising can be good  push-ups something is something else that you   can do pretty easily without a lot of equipment  the last suggestion i have is what i call fake   it till you make it and i don’t mean ignore your  feelings completely i don’t mean fail to take care  
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of yourself acknowledge accept unconditionally  make sure you’re safe and then choose   remind yourself that as distressful  thoughts arise that you’re safe you know   maybe you’re waiting on test results from the  doctor okay you know you’ve done everything you  
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can you went to the doctor you got the test  done now it’s a waiting game and stressing   over those test results is just gonna make you  irritable drain your energy impair your sleep   so okay i’ve done everything i can to deal with  this situation right now when distressful thoughts  
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arise i’m gonna remind myself i already done it  i’ve i have already done everything i can i’m safe   and i am going to choose to commit my energy  to other things that are important in my life   in dialectical behavior therapy marsha linehan  talks about um turned up smile and open hands  
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just trying to be present in the moment when  we adjust our non-verbals even if we’re all by   ourself when we adjust our non-verbals  it actually can help improve our mood   dysphoric emotions serve a purpose  to motivate you to do something  
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to ensure that you’re safe and appreciate  what you have in the present moment   once you’re safe and you’ve done what you can to  improve the next moment to address the situation   actively triggering the relaxation response  can help down regulate your hpa axis  
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which can help improve your mood increase  your energy and improve your health all right in terms of questions i’m  looking at what we have going on right here   it’s important to remember when you’re  engaging in towards behaviors if one of  
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those is seeking emotional support for someone  from someone you know you want to make sure that   what you’re engaging in is helpful and moving  you toward your goal of a rich and meaningful   life if all you’re doing is commiserating  uh then that’s probably an away behavior  
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we can engage with others who are going  to as we say in addiction cosign on our bs   and that’s not helpful so it is important to make  sure that your relationships are pro pro social   and proactive and promoting you  towards your rich and meaningful life  
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uh providing support providing validation  providing empathy um and providing   encouragement to take that next step  forward toward what you think is important in terms of sharing this information with  other people not everybody is ready willing  
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or able to hear it people have to be at a level  of readiness for change and i have several videos   on the youtube channel that talk about stages of  readiness for change and increasing motivation but   until someone is motivated to start using their  energy nothing that you say to them is probably  
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going to land because they don’t want to hear  it they’re not ready or open to any new ideas   and there are a lot of reasons people may be in  what we call the pre-contemplation stage of change   and it’s important to be sensitive to that a lot  of times people are in pre-contemplation either  
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because they don’t realize there’s a problem  or because they feel hopeless and powerless   and it’s important to be sensitive to  that that you know maybe they’ve tried   to recover before whether it’s depression  or anxiety or you know pain and it hasn’t  
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stuck maybe it helped for a little while but  it didn’t stick and they relapsed and that   can cause people to be hesitant to start trying to  change again so we do want to be sensitive to that   and in that case it may be helpful to enlist  you know a counselor or a spiritual guide to  
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help you figure out what direction might be  useful it’s not there’s nothing that i can do   from you know just talking in generalities that  can really help in any individual situation to get somebody to change people are  going to change when they decide  
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they’re ready to change all we can do  is hope to bolster their motivation with   motivational interviewing techniques  or motivational enhancement techniques are there any other questions
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i really appreciate everybody taking time   out to be with me i know for a lot of you you’re  still on your holiday break so i appreciate you   being here and enjoy having you guys um present  this is part of that ongoing uh six weeks to a  
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happier healthier use series so tomorrow  we will be talking about cognitive tools in response to your question about avoiding  people who are going through similar situations   no support systems can be super important but  it is whether you are engaging with people  
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who are empathetic and encouraging and supportive  of proactive positive forward movement or you are in the quagmire of a group of people who  are who just want to sit around and complain   uh is you know the non-tactful way to say it  support groups are not created equally but  
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some support groups are very helpful and i do  encourage people to find support groups that   do have helpful people in them and not  everybody in a support group may may be helpful   there may be certain people that are more  proactive than others but ultimately it  
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comes down to when you interact with this  person do you feel understood validated   supported and empowered or does it just reinforce  your sense of helplessness and powerlessness have a great day everybody and i’ll  see you tomorrow same time same station

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Hi everybody and welcome to happiness and brain  surgery with dr dawn elise snipes practical tools to improve   your mood and quality of life today we’re going to  be talking about 21 practical tips to beat anxiety   this is based on a book that i’ve got  coming out in two months it’s in the  
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in press right now happiness isn’t brain surgery  100 plus practical tips to beat anxiety so look   for that to be released in june of 2018 so not  too long now we’re going to go over 21 of the tips   that are in that book right now to give you an  idea of some things that you can start doing now  
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instead of having to wait till june to deal with  your anxiety so the first one and i’ve talked   about this in different situations is learning the  difference between emotional and factual reasoning   just because you may feel anxious doesn’t mean  that it’s necessarily a threatening or dangerous  
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situation when i get ready to go to a social  function i get a little bit butterfly in my   stomach i get a little bit of anxiety i’m not one  to do mixers so i get a little bit of anxiety but   emotional reasoning would mean that i’m thinking  about all the reasons that i need to be scared  
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before i go into that situation  factual reasoning is backing up and   thinking factually about the situation i’m going  to this mixer there’s a lot of other people there   many of them probably feel like me um and you  know this is what i’m going to do the facts of  
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the matter are that it doesn’t have to be scary  nobody at the mixer is going to try to embarrass   me or humiliate me um any potential perceived  threats are pretty much all in my own head   so it’s important to separate emotional from  factual learn to differentiate what’s actually  
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happening happening from what you’re currently  thinking about sometimes you can be going in   and doing something and thinking about the worst  possible scenario thinking that the sky is going   to fall for example and in reality it’s not that  bad when we have a storm come through for example  
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last year we had a significant portion of our  fence blown down in a storm that came through   which is kind of a big deal when you’ve got you  know equines and chickens and ducks and everybody   to keep contained and it kind of freaked me out a  little bit so now when we have a storm i can get a  
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little bit anxious at first and i need to remember  you know what’s actually happening right now is   it’s a storm it’s no big deal we’ve had hundreds  of them factual and what’s happening now not   what i’m currently thinking about which is what  happened last year so i need to get my head out of  
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the past because the past is the past and there’s  no nothing saying that it has to ever occur again   so focusing on what is actually happening now if  you’ve been in a car accident before for example   then you might get stressed out when you’re in  heavy traffic again what is actually happening  
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now yes traffic is heavy but you’re safe you’ve  got good distance between you and the people in   front of you you know if you feel the need to  you can get all the way over into the right   lane so you have an exit strategy should you feel  like it’s getting too you know claustrophobic or  
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something but that’s what’s happening now you’re  not currently in danger you’re just going with the   flow the third thing you can do is try to prove  yourself wrong show yourself that your thoughts   have no basis in truth so if you’re worried about  you know a rash you’ve got go to the doctor and  
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confirm that you aren’t dying of some incurable  disease which is what you may be thinking about   or ask someone how they feel about you if you  don’t know so if you’re wondering if so-and-so   hates you instead of stressing about it ask them  you know prove yourself wrong or right but at  
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least you’ll have an answer you’ll have a factual  answer not just an emotion based answer don’t live   in the gray area when answers are available  to you sometimes there aren’t any answers   sometimes you have a gray area but if there are  answers available get them so you can let go of  
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that anxiety or deal with it and move on number  four is stop trying to navigate the path while the   hallway is dark you know that old saying that when  one door closes another door opens and the follow   on to that is but those hallways are a [ __ ]  yeah um it’s dark before that other door opens and  
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the first one is closed you’re in a dark hallway  that’s okay you know don’t try to make decisions   when the hallway is dark when you can’t see what’s  going on and this is what happens when you’re   upset you kind of get tunnel vision when you get  a lot of adrenaline going through your system you  
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get tunnel vision and that can make things dark it  can make it harder to see all of your options so   wait until you’re less upset get in your wise mind  before you make any life-altering decisions you   know you may decide when you’re upset something  bad happens at work you’re anxious about something  
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you may decide that you need to go on a walk okay  that’s fine but when you’re anxious and upset   and right in the midst of it it’s not the time  to say well i’m going to quit my job no no the   hallway’s dark you need to be able to look at what  are at least three options that you can consider  
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when you are trying to figure out what to do  number five is to unhook from your emotions   instead of saying i am terrified say i am having  the thought that i’m terrified and you may think   to yourself you know whatever you know that’s  just semantics but think about it this way  
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if you are a smoker for example or you like  chocolate cake if you think to yourself i have   to have a piece of chocolate cake or i have to  have a cigarette it feels like it has to be done   you know there’s just no question if you say to  yourself i’m having the thought that i have to  
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have a piece of chocolate cake or a cigarette  then that thought you can choose to act on   or not act on so it’s separating it and making  it so it’s something that you can put away fire can burn your house down or it can cook your  dinner each night and keep you warm in the winter  
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which means it can be bad or it can be good your  mind is the same way will you let it burn you out   and cause you to feel helpless and hopeless  just spinning around with anxiety and what ifs   and oh my goodnesses or will it help you  turn into macgyver and whenever you face  
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a challenge or something that makes you anxious  it will help you view that as a challenge and   find creative solutions your mind can  do either one it can keep you spinning   you know i don’t know if you know the younger  people listening may remember sitting spins  
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we had those when i was little you sat on this  little disc and you turned and you just spun   around in it in the same place until you got  dizzy and that’s all it did and that’s what   happens when we get stuck with our emotions  we’re on our own little personal sit and spin  
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it’s not going to do any any good  except for make us sick to our stomach   now if we take that energy and instead of sitting  and spinning we use it to address the challenge   and view it as a problem that can be solved then  we’re going to make some more forward progress
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number seven realize that thoughts can be merely  illusions think about all the things that you’ve   thought about and worried about that have turned  out to be nothing at all you know you got yourself   all in a tizzy over nothing think of all the time  you wasted preparing for outcomes that would never  
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happen the what ifs i mean i’m i’ll admit i’m bad  i’m one of those people who usually has not only   a plan b but also a plan c but i stop at plan  c i know people who have planned d e and f and   you know that takes a lot of time and energy to  have all those backup plans so in the future when  
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you start to worry ask yourself if what you’re  worried about is factual and probable so if   you’re getting ready to go take an exam um you  know you can worry that you’re going to fail it   but you know that’s a lot of worry and you  can start figuring out what you’re going to  
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do if you fail that test which means you’re  probably going to fail the class which means   you can work yourself up into this whole  catastrophic situation or you can say is   it factual is it probable that i’m going to fail  this exam well if you’ve done what you needed to  
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probably not when you when people go in to have  their hiv test done there’s typically a lot of   anxiety going in to do that and so people can  get really worried and start coming up with   all these plans of how they’re gonna tell people  and what they’re gonna do if they’re positive and  
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what they’re gonna how life will change and all  this kind of stuff and they get their results   back in their negative and they expended amazing  amounts of energy planning for the worst case   scenario so sometimes especially if there’s  an answer to it you know you’re not living  
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in the gray area you’re getting ready to get the  answer sometimes you have to be patient and just   have faith that you will be able to handle  whatever the answer is otherwise you could be   going in the completely wrong direction with with  your plans follow it to the end is number eight  
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think about whatever you’re worried about then  imagine realistically what will happen and follow   it to its conclusion your boss leaves a message on  your desk that he needs to talk to you on monday   at 9am be in his office well that can be a  little bit intimidating no matter who you are  
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if your boss is doing that and then  you’ve got all weekend to worry about it   so imagine realistically what’s going to happen  so think about you know have you been doing your   job have you been a decent employee all right are  things does the business seem to be going well or  
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are they laying people off realistically is he  going to call you in individually if he’s going   to do layoffs no so going through all those  things in the in your head you can figure out   with reasonable accuracy what is likely going to  happen um and at least whether the worst thing  
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is likely going to happen if you go through those  things and you say yeah i’ve been being a good   employee i’ve been on time i’ve done all these  things the business is doing well you know i   don’t think there’s anything that i could  be in trouble for so i don’t know what he  
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wants wish i did but i don’t and then you can  distract yourself for the rest of the weekend   because you follow it to its conclusion if there’s  nothing major that you’ve done wrong then likely   you’re not going to lose your job likely you’re  not going to get demoted none of those awful  
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things are going to happen likely you will meet  with him and he’ll say whatever he has to say   and then you’ll go on about your business if you  stick with fact-based probable scenarios you will   often find that the outcome is not that scary you  know if you look over it and you go yeah i’ve been  
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late six days out of the last 15 and i haven’t  gotten my work done in a month well then yeah you   probably need to make some plans but at this point  there’s nothing much that you can do to change it   change what whatever he’s got to say so being  aware of what is likely and probable to happen  
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remember the average person has over 50 000  thoughts every day heck i had four thoughts   before i even got out of bed this morning i woke  up and i’ve got a foster kitty staying in my room   and my first thought was where’s vicki and then  she was up on my bed and my second thought was  
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that’s different she’s you know sitting  on my feet instead of on her pillow   and my third thought was i don’t really want  to get out of bed this morning and you know   just kept going on fifty thousand thoughts  some are happy some are sad some are fearful  
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if you were asked how many of your fifty  thousand thoughts you remember today   it’s likely going to be less than a hundred  you know you can remember that you thought   about what to eat for breakfast you can remember  that you decided whether or not to go to the gym  
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you know those are thoughts that you can probably  think back and remember but if you really had   to start thinking you know i bet you would be  hard-pressed to come up with more than a hundred so you’re going to have some scary thoughts  that’s okay let them go thoughts are just  
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illusions they come in and they go out it’s kind  of like think about clouds if you’ve ever made   cloud pictures cloud pictures um you know you’re  laying on your back you’re watching the clouds and   they morph into something and it’s a dinosaur  or a whale or something and that’s awesome  
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and it’s it it’s exciting and then it turns into  something else our thoughts are the same way   you know they don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety   ride the wave is number 10. and we’ve talked  about this one before feelings come peak in  
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about 20 minutes and subside just like waves come  in and crest and and go out unless you feed them   if you’re anxious and you start thinking about  all the reasons you need to be anxious and you   start thinking about all the possible worst case  scenarios that could happen or what if in yourself  
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you’re going to stay stuck you’re feeding that  anxiety you know imagine if you’ve ever played um   don’t cut the rope the little green monster on  that he’s so cute but imagine feeding him imagine   that to your anxiety monster and every time you  have a catastrophic thought you’re just feeding  
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him and giving him energy if you ride the wave  acknowledge that you’re anxious you know but if   your boss leaves that note on your desk you may be  anxious so all weekend periodically you may have   that thought i wonder what my boss wants to talk  to me about you know that’s kind of intimidating  
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acknowledge it say that’s that’s  stressful i’m anxious about that   but there’s nothing i can do about it right now  and what can you do to improve the next moment   and focusing on that and dwelling on it  is not going to improve the next moment  
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so ride the wave let your feelings come in  acknowledge them go do something distract   yourself you’ll check in a few minutes later  and you’ll go what you’ll probably say you   know what i don’t feel as stressed out right now  you know it’s that feeling’s starting to go away  
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now some feelings like grief can linger for a  while you know i’m not saying that all feelings   are going to come in and go out but anxiety  is one of those that if we start looking at   the positive if we start looking at the facts  if we start really evaluating the situation  
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instead of using emotion-based reasoning and  worst case scenarios our anxiety can go away don’t swat the bee and this is another one that  i’ve talked about in some of the other podcasts   our urges are what happen when we have a feeling  and we want it to go away when you have that  
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feeling of anxiety you want to make it stop it’s  unpleasant it’s like when a bee lands on your arm   you want it to go away because you’re afraid  it’s gonna sting you and that’s gonna hurt   so you wanna your urge is to swat at it to  get it to get off of you well if you swat  
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at it you’re increasing the likelihood that it’s  going to sting you most of the time it won’t so   just like you let the bee fly off on his own and  everybody’s happy when you have anxiety don’t act   impulsively don’t do the first thing that comes  to mind to make the anxiety stop because a lot  
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of times that’s not going to be your best choice  let yourself get rid of some of the adrenaline   get into your wise mind think of three options  for how to handle this situation and then choose   from there by the time you do all that stuff the  adrenaline is gone down but until you can think of  
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three potential options or scenarios  then you’re still in that adrenaline haze   embrace the dialectics as number 12. try to figure  out how two seemingly contradictory things can   be true such as this relationship i’m in may end  you know it can’t some people get really anxious  
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that they’re going to be abandoned or that  a relationship’s going to end and it may   end but you can also be okay you know and both of  those things can be true it’s hard to imagine but   both of them can be true somebody could be  anxious that they’re going to lose their job  
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and you know because there are a bunch of  layoffs happening at the company so they   could start having a lot of stress about that  but remembering that they could still lose their   job but it doesn’t mean they’ll lose their family  they’ll still have their family they’ll still have  
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other things that are important to them so  remembering and embracing the dialectics   there are going to be some bad things but those  bad things will be balanced by good things and   can even create opportunities if you lose your job  maybe you’ll be in a better one that’s more secure  
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look for opportunity in the angst worry tells you  that something might need to change if you’re in a   relationship and you’re worried that it’s going to  end that tells me that there’s something going on   either it’s an unhealthy relationship or the  communication is poor or you’ve got some stuff  
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that you need to deal with something is going  on that’s making you feel either unlovable or   feel like the relationship is going to end so  that’s what worry tells you okay well that’s fine   thank you for alerting me to the fact that  something might need to change mr worry monster  
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now what’s the opportunity how can i embrace this  and say what can i do to improve this situation   opportunities make up the majority of the iceberg  that is in in the reality you don’t yet know and   can’t yet see so if you’re in this relationship  and it ends you know that’s the tip of the iceberg  
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and that’s the thing you don’t really want to  know about and you don’t really want to see and   that’s the awful thing the elephant in the middle  of the room so to speak but underneath the water   the bottom of that iceberg is much much bigger  and it’s all the opportunities that wait for you  
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now that you’re not in that relationship so  how can this be an opportunity for you to grow   to meet someone new to explore something to  maybe get a job somewhere else and move to   a different state start over again who knows what  are the opportunities number 14 is to change your  
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objective the goal shouldn’t be to feel good all  the time nobody’s going to feel good all the time   the goal is to be able to express a healthy range  of emotion without suppressing it or suffering   you know if you don’t have any days when  you’re sad that mean likely means you don’t  
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have anything that’s important to you that you’ve  lost and you know things that are important to us   we occasionally lose we lose pets we lose you  know whatever relationships we lose people   people die we lose jobs we lose hopes we lose  dreams we lose things and when we lose those  
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things we’re going to feel sad that’s your  brain’s way of saying that was important   we’re gonna miss that okay you know so acknowledge  it experience it and improve the next moment   you don’t have to feel good all the time matter  of fact if you felt good all the time it wouldn’t  
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be that rewarding you’d just be like yeah this  is normal now if you have occasional sad days   and occasionally get a little bit irritable then  when you feel happy you’re like oh i like this   we’ll we’ll do this for quite a while so you feel  a difference and you feel that depth of emotion  
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remember yin and yang and if you look at it  you have the circle and then the little you   know apostrophe looking things that are together  but in each one there’s a little bit of the other   in yin there’s a little bit of yang and in  yang there’s a little bit of yin you can’t have  
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pure happiness you know there’s always going to  be a little bit of stuff that’s not going quite   right or not exactly the way you want but it  doesn’t mean you can’t be the majority of happy   when there’s unpleasantness and it  can feel like there’s a lot of it  
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but if you look in that unpleasantness  there’s going to be a little bit of happiness   a little bit of opportunity a little  bit of something to be grateful for   so it’s embracing the depth and quality of those  emotions recognizing that okay anxiety is is on  
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kind of on the dark side how can we turn this  into an opportunity to learn and to grow and   express the full range of emotions develop  hardiness commitment control and challenge   heartiness means that you understand that there  are dozens of things that make your life rich and  
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meaningful and you’re committed to those things  now occasionally one of those is going to go wonky   and you’re gonna have to deal with it but  while you’re dealing with that wonky thing   the other 11 things or more in your life that make  it rich and meaningful and that you’re committed  
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to they’re still going well so for example if  work starts to go a little bit haywire and you’re   unhappy at your job all right you got to deal with  that but it’s allowing you to put a roof over your   head and you you like your house it’s allowing  you to put food on the table and feed your family  
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you’ll love your family they’re really important  so your commitment to all those things makes life   worth living even though this thing over  here not going so well right now control   is the second part of it once you’re looking  at all those things that you’re committed to  
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most of them you don’t have a hundred percent  control over that’s just life so focusing only   on the things that you have control over if you  try to change things you don’t have control over   you’re going to make yourself depressed  anxious upset irritable so don’t do it  
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ask yourself is this something i actually  can control we can’t control other people we   can’t control other people’s reactions we can  control what we do you know the person who is   worried that he’s going to get laid off or  fired you know they he can’t control whether  
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the business is doing well he can’t control what  his colleagues are doing all he can control is   whether he goes to work gets there on time  and does his job that part is in his control um irrational thoughts it’s important  to think about irrational thoughts as  
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something your brain is telling you that’s kind  of extreme like i must be loved by everybody all   the time or the world is going to end oftentimes  irrational thoughts are products of traumas that   you’ve yet to fully acknowledge or deal with  so if you grew up in a chaotic home environment  
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and you have a lot of anxiety about  relationships ending and people abandoning you   you may have some irrational thoughts that  are telling you that you’re not lovable or   you’re going to be abandoned that stem from that  childhood trauma so when you start getting anxious  
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you need to ask yourself what am i  afraid of and why am i afraid of it   what is this really a threat right now so what  am i afraid of this relationship ending why   am i afraid of it because i don’t want to be  abandoned um is this really a threat right now  
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when you’re six fearing that a parent is going  to abandon you is threatening when you are 26   fearing that a relationship is going to end  you know it’s unpleasant but you can still   feed yourself you can meet new people you can  go go on about your life so it’s likely not as
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imperative that you maintain that relationship  so you know think about when you start getting   anxious is this a reaction caused by something  in my past or is this a reaction to something   that’s going on now except the fact that everyone  everywhere has weird incorrect disturbing thoughts  
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that have no bearing on reality we all have  catastrophic thoughts sometimes you’re not a freak   you’re probably not sick you just have to  learn to not be intimidated by your own mind   your mind takes in information but ironically  it’s really not that smart so we have to help  
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it interpret that information if i hear a loud  noise outside you know it may sound like a gunshot   but it could be a car back firing so initially  i’ll have a startle reaction because it was a   loud noise and i think oh my gosh you know  there’s a gunshot and then reality sets in  
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and i go no i’m in downtown you know there’s  parking lot outside it was probably a car back   firing so making sure that you check yourself and  check your thoughts to make sure that you’re not   just making a catastrophe when you  completely misinterpret this situation  
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stop gauging how bad things are by how much you  panic the more you panic the more you panic so   if you get nervous about going to the doctor  and think oh this must be really bad because   i’m really stressed out then you’re going to get  yourself even more stressed out because your heart  
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rate’s going to go up and your breathing is going  to go faster which is going to cause your body to   release more stress chemicals so you’re going to  feel worse so don’t assume that because you feel   really bad really anxious that it’s really that  bad you could have got talked yourself into it  
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so instead of gauging how bad  things are by how much you panic   remember to gauge things how bad things are based  on facts for it being a catastrophe and against it   being a catastrophe what are the actual facts  in the situation identify your comfort zones  
00:28:12
and step back into them now and again you  didn’t think i’d ever say that did you   a lot of times i’m saying step out of your  comfort zone well it can be anxiety provoking   moving past the place that you’re comfortable  with out of your comfort zone is a gradual process  
00:28:28
going too quickly is a recipe for stress so when  we take students and i just did a class today on   helping students transition from high school to  college that is a huge jump from one comfort zone   to a discomfort zone so to speak because students  just aren’t used to living on their own and have  
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being away from mom and dad and all those  different things so it causes a lot of stress   in college freshmen but the same thing is  true if it’s a new job or whatever it is   go in slowly you know dip your toe in see  how it feels just like when you’re getting  
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into a cold pool well at least me i don’t do  a cannonball into the pool i put my toe in   let my feet get used to it then let my calves  get used to it and i ease myself in so it isn’t   quite as much of a shock to my system and  it doesn’t cause me as as much discomfort  
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but you can practice and this is  number 20 practice healthy discomfort   this means lean into your stress don’t resist it  acknowledge that you’re anxious and go okay this   means i’m getting outside my comfort zone  which means i’m growing and that’s awesome  
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means this is a challenge and that’s a little  intimidating but it’s also exciting accept how   you feel and remember you can tolerate it  think back to times in the past when you’ve   been anxious and you’ve worked through a  situation it wasn’t the end of the world  
00:29:59
think about times in the past when you’ve  been anxious and ways you’ve coped with it   you know i’m not asking you to lean into it and  do it all by yourself you know call on those past   strengths and tools that you’ve used to deal  with the anxiety instead of running from it  
00:30:15
finally practice radical acceptance learn  to acknowledge the parts of your story you’d   rather ignore forget or not admit so choose  to love your home your body and your work   instead of saying you know i am fat ugly and  useless and being upset or saying everybody’s  
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going to abandon me because i’m not lovable um you  know let’s practice radical acceptance you are who   you are and you can choose to hate yourself or you  can choose to love yourself you can choose to hate   where you live and be miserable about it and go  around like oscar the grouch or you can choose to  
00:30:57
love where you live and make it a home and  decide to change whatever you think needs to be   changed choose to build your life from a place of  gratitude and vision you know maybe you don’t love   everything about yourself right now that’s okay  that means you’ve got room for growth so embrace  
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yourself love yourself as a human being and  say okay now there are things i need to work on   and use that vision to figure out where you want  to go from here because you’ve got a long way to   go on your life journey life’s journey when  you build your life from gratitude and vision  
00:31:35
then you’re using your energy to grow and move  forward instead of run from your own fears so remember anxiety is your body’s response to  what it thinks might be a threat it’s like that   faulty fire alarm that goes off it’s trying to  warn you but in reality there’s nothing to be  
00:31:57
warned about there are many ways to address  your anxiety including getting good nutrition   avoiding too many stimulants getting plenty of  sleep so you’re not exhausted and over tired   exercise which releases serotonin get social  support you know reach out to those friends  
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and change your perspective so instead  of looking at the worst possible scenario   you’re saying what’s the best thing that could  happen or how have i handled similar situations   before because i can do this and add some  happiness to your life you know you really  
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can’t just eliminate anxiety or just  eliminate depression if you eliminate   it then there’s nothing you need to  add some happiness to take its place   and that will help you start addressing your  anxiety if you like this podcast please subscribe

00:00:10
This episode was pre-recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar on demand CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs register at all CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox
00:00:28
all righty I’d like to welcome everybody to today’s presentation on supporting the person without enabling now you notice I said person not patient and hopefully I’ll remember to say that throughout because enabling isn’t just
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something that people who are in a relationship with someone who is addicted to something can do I mean we can eight we can enable our children we can enable our friends so we’re gonna look at enabling broadly and in this
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presentation we’ll explore how a person becomes an enabler defined enabling examine the consequences of enabling learn about the connection between enabling and codependency defined characteristics of
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codependency and how they may develop from being in an enabling relationship and examine practical strategies to provide support and encouragement to the loved one without enabling so what makes an enabler a person that you love is in
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trouble or experiencing pain and this can be an addicted person you know that’s typically what we think of when we think of enabling it can be a person with a mental health issue so if somebody is clinically depressed or has
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severe generalized anxiety disorder and enabler may step in and try to care take that person and we’ll talk about you know where you cross the line there a person with chronic pain can also be enabled if their chronic pain they don’t
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want to get up they don’t want to move they you know and people start start doing things for them that they could do for themselves and we can also enable our children and we’re going to look at different examples of that as we go
00:02:14
through in addition to having someone you love experiencing pain the person has to also experience a sense of responsibility for the problem generally if I would have been more aware that his drinking has gotten so bad if I would
00:02:31
have been more aware that the depression was coming on or if I had made John go to the doctor for the depression got this bad if I wouldn’t have been driving when we got into that car accident all of those
00:02:48
things the ifs and the when’s the person feels a certain amount of responsibility whether they were around when the thing was initially triggered or they feel like they should have intervened sooner to do something before it became a
00:03:05
crisis there’s also a denial that there’s a problem requiring professional help initially because once you’ve helped it’s hard to stop so once you’ve bailed John out of jail the first time it’s hard to stop once
00:03:19
you have been doing things for somebody that they can do for themselves it’s hard to say okay I’m not doing that anymore you got to do it on your own I’ve got teenagers at home and one of my children is just amazingly structured
00:03:36
and I’m structured so that works really well with me the my other child is much more on the perceiving and he’s much more loosey-goosey and it’s hard for me to kind of let him do his thing so he learns to be responsible so when
00:03:55
he was growing up I tended to enable him a little bit more than I should have by doing things for him and always reminding him and being on him where you know once he became an older teenager he started having to take
00:04:10
responsibility and it’s painful sometimes to sit back and watch him fall on his face but it has to happen sometimes for people to learn from the natural consequences enabling behavior protects the person from the natural
00:04:25
consequences of their behavior whether it’s you know alcoholism if they are in pain for example and they’re not willing to or they’re not thinking they’re able to get up and do anything go to work
00:04:42
follow through with their physical therapy those sorts of things they may get used to people waiting on them and doing things for them enabler keeps secrets about the person’s behavior from others in order to make
00:04:57
peace this is more true in addiction but I mean think about it if you’ve worked with families before where you have one parent who’s been enabling the child and doing everything for them and kind of staying on top of it and you have
00:05:11
another parent who’s kind of oblivious you know the the first parent says okay now don’t tell your mom or your dad whoever the other parent is that I keep reminding you of this but you’ve got to start taking responsibility that threat
00:05:26
kind of falls on on deaf ears because there’s no follow-through to it the person makes excuses the enabler makes excuses for the person’s behavior with teachers friends legal authorities employers and even other family members
00:05:41
why they didn’t why the person didn’t get things done bales the person out of trouble such as paying debts fixing tickets hiring lawyers and providing jobs you know at a certain point there are certain things that we can do to
00:05:57
assist people in their recovery process but generally and when I’m saying providing jobs I’ve had occasions where somebody’s called me and they’ve tried to make a an interview for their significant other and I’m like no you
00:06:14
know that person if they want the job they need to call so and I’ve seen this in other situations it’s important that we look at when we’re looking at enabling we’re looking at having the person who is
00:06:32
struggling do the things they can do for themselves otherwise we are enabling them we’re teaching them that they’re powerless that they need help we’re creating a dependency the enabler sees the problem as the result of something
00:06:46
else they’ll make excuses the person is too shy the person is a teenager they’re just they’re going to be irresponsible the person’s drinking because they’re lonely they come from a broken home
00:06:58
they have ADHD they have some other illness so a lot of times the enabler in making excuses will find other reasons for the problem and they truly believe that that’s the reason they don’t want to believe that this person is just
00:07:14
taking advantage of the system so to speak it avoids the person in order to keep peace so out of sight out of mind so if you’re the enabler may avoid the troubled person because you know if we get in the same room then we’re going to
00:07:32
get into an argument so I’m just going to avoid it and do what I need to do I’ll send text messages when he needs to do something and so you’re still enabling but you’re keeping distance so it’s not as stressful and may give help
00:07:51
that is undeserved unearned or unappreciated you know there are times when we want to reach out and help somebody you know help them get something done and that’s cool I remember with my staff
00:08:05
there were times where they would just kind of get overloaded with paperwork this was usually towards the end of the fiscal year when our census went through the roof and so I would step in and I would assist them and getting getting
00:08:19
some things done I mean that help was definitely deserved earned and appreciated now during Christmas holidays for example our census would usually plummet so it was a fifth of what it should be
00:08:32
so there should be no reason for people not getting their work done so if I’m stepping in and doing things for my clinicians then you know that that help is undeserved because they are perfectly able of doing
00:08:48
their their groups as well as their paperwork enabling behavior attempts to control the other person by planning activities choosing their friends getting them jobs making their doctor’s appointments a lot of you have probably
00:09:02
had similar experiences where someone has called up and they’ve tried to make an appointment for their loved one now it’s one thing if their loved one is like 12 but it’s another thing if it’s another adult and I have found I used to
00:09:16
let that happen I don’t even let it happen anymore but when I used to let it happen my no-show rates for that person we’re usually somewhere between 85 and 90 percent because that person didn’t even have the wherewithal to call and
00:09:31
make the appointment let alone show up for it so that kind of shows levels of motivation as well the person who’s an enabler makes threats that had no follow-through or consistency if I tell my teenager you have got to be more
00:09:50
responsible the answer the question that comes after that is if I’m not what’s gonna happen what are the consequences so the person needs to know that there are consequences when people are in drug court for example they know that if they
00:10:07
use they’re going to likely have to do some time in jail when you go to a job you know that if you don’t show up you’re likely going to lose your job so there are consequences to what we do the enabler shields the struggling person
00:10:27
from any of those consequences so they start to develop the idea that you know there are really no consequences for their actions whatever they do you know the enabler will clean it up it’s not a big deal the enabler may care take the
00:10:42
person by doing what that person is expected to do for him or herself they may ignore the person’s negative negative and potentially dangerous behavior thinking that okay if I just do these things then the
00:10:55
person will stop hurting themself they have difficulty expressing emotions especially if there are negative repercussions for doing so and when people get into these relationships it can be conflictual because you have
00:11:11
somebody that you’ve been doing stuff for and you’ve been basically waiting on if you will and then all of a sudden you set boundaries and you say no you’ve got to do it for yourself what’s the first reaction likely going to be you’re awful
00:11:25
that’s mean why are you doing this and a lot of times there are much stronger words that are used but you kind of get the idea the person rebels and tries to say no you need to keep doing this so there can be negative and unpleasant
00:11:42
emotions the person who’s being able or doesn’t love what’s going on so they may often feel taken advantage of neglected resentful yada yada and if they express those emotions to the person who is struggling a lot of times again that
00:11:58
will not be met with empathy it will be met with resistance enables prioritize the needs of the person with the problem or the addiction before their own they make sure that that person is up in the morning they make sure that that person
00:12:14
is dressed for work they make sure that person you know has money to buy lunch or or whatever the case may be before they start worrying about themselves they may act out of fear since addiction can cause frightening events the enabler
00:12:28
will do whatever it takes to avoid such actions that’s one example now if we talk about a teenager for example and you know I’ll use my kids my son is getting ready to go to college and for the scholarships that he’s gotten there
00:12:45
are certain things that he has to do if he doesn’t do them he loses his scholarship and that’s a big deal so it’s important to for him to make sure that he’s doing these things but part of me wants to do it for him because I’m
00:13:00
afraid he’s going to forget and then he’s going to have these huge student loans well if he does guess what he does that’s you know people have got I had student loans I’m sure you did
00:13:14
so and and it hasn’t ever killed anybody but it’s important to make sure that he knows what the consequences are if he doesn’t follow through with these things and to let him experience consequences and the person who’s an enabler may
00:13:32
resent the person with the problem whether it’s addiction pain just learning to adult things that you may hear and enable or say he’s so irresponsible with money he could never make it on his own if I kicked him out
00:13:49
he would be homeless so what else can I do I let him continue to stay here and this can be true of somebody who’s a problem gambler or just someone who’s awful with
00:13:59
money every time I’ve tried to talk to her about her addiction she’s gone on even a worse binge and I’m afraid she’ll overdose now think about you know the reactivity of what’s going on think about kind of
00:14:12
borderline ish behavior if you do this then look at what you made me do not saying that all of these people are borderline by any means but you know that is one of those reactive behaviors that we often see when somebody tries to
00:14:26
withdraw enabling behavior I know I shouldn’t have paid for his lawyer after the third DUI but if he went to jail he would Lewis lose his job and as a family we rely on his income okay you can see this person’s concern you can see how
00:14:42
they’re acting out of fear because their significant other contributes significantly financially to the family every time she and her boyfriend fight she crashes here I let her because I know it can be violent and I don’t want
00:14:57
her to be hurt again enabling her to stay in that relationship which evidently is not healthy because that person is afraid that the the woman will be hurt it’s my fault she’s in pain so I must do whatever she wants if I
00:15:17
change what he did at least I can limit the damage if I can’t change the fact that he totaled the car for example I can limit the damage that it may cause I can make sure that I Drive him to work from now on I can make sure that I make
00:15:35
sure he gets to his appointments maybe he will wake up and just come to his senses he’ll wake up and suddenly start doing everything for himself that he can do for himself but that’s not going to
00:15:47
happen I mean it 99.9% of the cases do you wake up in the morning and go hmm you know I could let somebody else do all this stuff for me but today I think I’ll do it all myself a lot of most of the time it doesn’t happen think about
00:16:05
if you had a full-time maid living living with you wouldn’t that be great that full-time maid you wake up in the morning and you go you know this person cleans and makes the meals and stuff all the time
00:16:16
but you know what today I’m gonna do it all myself for no particular reason and I’m gonna do it henceforth and forevermore probably not going to happen because that person has gotten used to having the maid consequences of enabling
00:16:34
enablers detest the behaviors of the enabled but fear the consequences of those behaviors even more so if I don’t bail him out of jail if I don’t do this if I do kick this person out what are the consequences gonna be not only to
00:16:50
that person but also to me and potentially my family they’re locked in a lose-lose position in the family setting boundaries feels like punishment or abandonment of the person they love it’s hard to say you know what no you’ve
00:17:04
got to do it on your own because when you do that the person starts rebelling if you will they get their feelings hurt they may not understand why it changed they may be resentful of why it changed so it creates chaos there’s a certain
00:17:22
amount of homeostasis and a family when you’re doing what you’re doing you know there’s no that family is functioning like it’s supposed to and then when you stop doing that when you withdraw some of that
00:17:35
support it upsets the balance in the family then all of a sudden people have got to start choosing their roles again enabler SHM a struggle with the guilt they would feel if the person they’re enabling were hurt by the real
00:17:47
consequences of their actions whether it be losing a job or getting physically hurt or going to jail whatever the case may be enabler czar also protecting themselves and/or their children from those
00:18:01
consequences an enabling basically means someone else the enabler will always fix solve or make the consequences for problems go away enabled persons come to expect that their behaviors have no consequences or negative outcomes I mean
00:18:17
they can see what happens but they know somebody’s going to fix it so it’s not going to harm them now remember one of the basic principles of behavior modification we do things that are rewarding and we don’t do things that
00:18:29
are punishing well if you take the punishment away then the behavior is at least neutral if not rewarding so you’re continuing to reinforce that behavior enablers may become emotional hostages as the person learns to manipulate them
00:18:46
in order to ensure that the help and support keep coming back to that look what you made me do if you would have followed up with me to make sure that I got up in the morning then I wouldn’t have missed the bus and not gotten to
00:19:02
school today if you would have done this then I wouldn’t have experienced this consequence it’s your fault the enabler is desperate to prevent the enormous crisis but winds up experiencing a constant state of stress they don’t want
00:19:19
to enable the person anymore they want to set boundaries but the tension that occurs when they try to set boundaries and the guilt the other person can make them feel or try to make them feel is can be oppressive so one of the things
00:19:33
we’re going to talk about in a little while is how to deal with some of that guilt and recognize how to set boundaries the enabled person and be enabler become stuck in a role in which they both feel
00:19:46
incompetent being the enabled person has been having somebody do everything for them so there they may start thinking to themselves well maybe I can’t do it maybe I need her to do it for me and the enabler doesn’t see this person’s
00:20:02
behavior changing they want this person to stand up and start doing what they’re supposed to do what they’re not so the enabler also starts to feel incompetent and incapable because they’re not changing that other person so they both
00:20:16
get in this lose-lose situation and they may gradually accept a self-concept that includes these negative traits destroying self-esteem and leading to codependency so what is codependency and there are whole classes on that we’re
00:20:33
just kind of hit the highlights here the person had someone they loved and either failed to fix them the loved one chose another behavior over the relationship impacting self-esteem self-efficacy and abandonment anxiety so
00:20:48
the codependent person we get there because at some point in the past they tried to fix somebody and may have failed to fix them so they’re gonna keep trying to fix the other person because their self-worth is tied up in being
00:21:05
able to fix that person or they got abandoned the person chose the addiction or chose someone else over them so now they’re struggling with feeling good enough and by attaching to someone who needs to be rescued it gives them a
00:21:24
mission it gives them a purpose it gives something them something to try to feel good about there’s an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others and a tendency to confuse love and pity with a tendency to love people
00:21:39
they can pity and rescue they love people that they can make dependent upon them a willingness to do anything to hold on to a relationship and to avoid the feeling of abandonment most people who are codependent are terrified that
00:21:54
they’re going to be abandoned they’re terrified that if they let the natural course happen and this person experiences consequences that they will be rejected an extreme need for approval and recognition a sense of guilt when
00:22:10
asserting themselves and setting boundaries and a tendency to do more than their share and become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts they also tend to have a compelling need to control others a lack of trust in
00:22:25
themselves and other people which makes sense I mean if they got into this relationship and most people you know when they get into their first enabling relationship they don’t get into it as an enabling relationship they often get
00:22:39
into it you know as a normal healthy relationship which goes awry unless they came from an addicted family but anyway so they for whatever reason they start feeling this need to control other people in order to feel safe in order to
00:22:56
prevent an abandonment and feel okay about themselves they need to make themselves indispensable and they don’t trust themselves to be good enough as they are and they don’t trust their own judgements so they’re always
00:23:10
second-guessing themselves about what should they have done what shouldn’t they have done they have difficulty identifying feelings because you know think back to a couple slides ago we said they have difficulty talking about
00:23:21
their feelings well they shoved them down because talking about unpleasant feelings often meets with problems and and difficulties so they shove those down but when you have all this animosity and resentment
00:23:36
and exhaustion and anxiety and everything else kind of churning around inside you there’s not a whole lot of room for happiness and the other things so they may start having difficulty kind of knowing how they feel they just feel
00:23:51
icky all the time and they’re trying not to focus on it too much because then they have to face some hard realities they may be rigid and have difficulty adjusting to change and problems with intimacy and boundaries they
00:24:07
be chronically angry lie and be dishonest remember they’re lying and covering up for their significant other but they’re also probably lying and covering up for how they feel you know saying everything’s fine you know I’m
00:24:19
going to put on this picture that we have got the perfect family they may have poor communications and difficulty making decisions in the addicted family there’s a mantra if you will called don’t talk don’t dress don’t trust and
00:24:35
don’t feel in any sort of relationship where there’s an enabling situation going on this is really true most of the time we don’t want to talk about setting boundaries we don’t want to talk about how I feel about the fact that you’re
00:24:51
not taking responsibility I can’t trust you to follow through with things so I can’t trust you to do anything that’s going on and I can’t feel because if I feel then it hurts and I can’t understand why I’m staying with the hurt
00:25:06
and so I don’t want to feel anything and I need to make sure that you know if you’re happy I can be happy okay so I’m not gonna have my own feelings because if you’re happy that means you’re not gonna leave if you’re not gonna leave
00:25:22
that means I’m happy that abandonment anxiety can be tabled for a little while so what do we do first have the client learn about addiction or whatever issue the person may have let’s learn about it if we’re dealing with a
00:25:41
teenager who is having difficulty getting as feet under himself to adult okay maybe the person needs to learn about parenting parenting skills and how to set boundaries and that kind of thing if we’re talking about somebody in a
00:25:56
domestically violent relationship let’s learn about that addiction depression anxiety chronic pain whatever it is that is causing the loved one to struggle the enabler needs to learn about it figure out you know what’s causing this what
00:26:15
makes it worse what makes it better what options are there for this person you know kind of do your research so you have an idea get help and support from others reach out to communities that is that are similar to what you’re dealing
00:26:33
with calmly let the loved one know that you’re aware of their problems that you won’t tolerate that continued behavior and that you’re willing and able to support them on the road to
00:26:45
recovery so not tolerating is kind of a rough phrase and this will often be met with a lot of resistance which is one of the reasons I encourage my clients to do have this discussion either in in
00:27:01
session or in some sort of mediated maybe with their their spiritual leader or whatever so there’s a arbitrary third party that can keep things from getting too antagonistic the person needs to I encourage the
00:27:20
enabler to write these things down so it doesn’t get emotional and it’s not all over the place it’s like okay these are the 10 things that need just happen and generally when we have these discussions I work with the enabler
00:27:34
ahead of time and we remove we review the list to make sure everything’s on there that is of utmost importance to them and the list should include explaining what you’re going to withdraw I’m not doing this for you anymore and
00:27:51
this is why if you choose to not do what you can do for yourself or if you choose to refuse help these are going to be the consequences and making it very clear not aggressive not angry just this is very matter-of-fact if you continue to
00:28:14
drink then I can’t continue to bail you out or I won’t continue to bail you out from jail you know you’re going to have to deal with those consequences healthy help involves providing information encouragement and coaching
00:28:34
to the person so we learned all about it because the person who’s struggling may be too mired in their own unhappiness and emotional or physical pain to really think clearly so we may need to take take it to them and say okay this is all
00:28:51
the information I found and I know you can do this I know you can get through it and I am going to be here to cheer you on give the person contact information for doctors counselors lawyers rehab
00:29:03
programs whatever resources the person needs without the feeling without feeling the need to force him or her to accept this help and that’s the hard part it’s easy to say okay here’s all the stuff but if they take the stuff and
00:29:19
they set it down they go okay I’ll get to it later the person who’s enabling can be like no no no you need to do it now what we need to do is you know present the case you know this is what needs to change this is why it needs to
00:29:36
change this is what’s going to happen if it doesn’t change these are the resources for that you can access to help this change process and the balls in your court it’s important to discuss with the person what the possible
00:29:53
consequences of actions might be without feelings if you must make sure they make the choice you want them to make they may leave you know if you tell somebody you can’t be I can’t have you spending every dime of your paycheck every month
00:30:12
in order to buy your toys and do those things because I need it in order to pay the bills around here so if you continue to spend every time you make then you may need to move out or whatever the case may be but it’s important to set
00:30:30
those consequences because remember again what is more rewarding is going to be what the person chooses so then the person is going to have to say well do I want to buy a bunch toys and not be responsible for anything
00:30:42
or is this relationship more important because only once you’ve tipped that decisional balance will that person be willing to consider change they have to be one wanting to change we can’t make them change no amount of fussing and
00:30:58
carrying on is probably going to work we want to foster hope both for you and for the enabler and the person sometimes people refuse to get help only to turn around and ask for help a short time later it’s not uncommon a lot of times
00:31:15
especially with addictions the person that you’re working with who’s struggling is wanting to maintain control and they feel like you took away their control when you started setting limits and telling them what they had to
00:31:30
do so they may rebel against that initially and go no I’m not doing it you know I didn’t need you before I don’t need you now and walk out doesn’t mean they won’t come back the key is to plant that seed let them know what options are
00:31:46
available and say okay you know well if you decide that you want help I am here to help you along the way it’s really hard to watch the person walk out the door whether you’re a clinician having a conversation with somebody who you know
00:32:01
needs to be in treatment or you’re a loved one having this conversation with somebody who you know needs to take some steps and just to watch them kind of thumb their nose at you and walk away it’s painful it’s hard it’s it’s a
00:32:17
struggle because you’re like oh my gosh that’s this person is just headed down the wrong road but they have to be willing to change and if we keep the door open for them then they can come back and they can come back a week later
00:32:32
or two weeks later and feel like they’re in more control because they’re presenting and going I’m ready for help okay cool now let’s see where we go from here we also want to make sure that the person refuses to tolerate or enable the
00:32:52
addiction related behavior or whatever the behavior is whatever the behavior is that you’re trying to get the person to change you can’t be wishy-washy on it the enabler has to set a hard line in the sand and say I will
00:33:06
not tolerate this not I won’t tolerate it very often or I won’t tolerate it but one or two more times no I will not tolerate this anymore because as soon as you give in then that that line moves practical strategies
00:33:24
people who are enablers are exhausted people who are being enabled are also probably exhausted so these practical strategies you know fit for both both types of people in order to be a support person for someone
00:33:41
in recovery or for someone trying to make a change and in order to make a change people have to be optimally functioning they have to be as healthy as possible so they need to practice good sleep
00:33:54
habits they need to eat well they need to get some exercise you know get out get that body moving they need to take care of their emotions which means increasing the happy emotions not just dispelling the bad ones but bringing
00:34:09
some happy emotions in so you’ve got that yin-yang balance social relationships and activities need to happen for both parties you know they need to engage with other people and not just be completely wound up in
00:34:24
themselves and both parties need to be aware of what is truly important to them you know have them make a list of the people places things activities that are truly important for them to have in their life to have a rich and meaningful
00:34:40
life I mean this kind of goes to that acceptance and commitment therapy trend if you will but both of them need to figure that out so if the person who is being enabled puts down on their list that this
00:34:56
relationship is important to them to have a rich and meaningful life well then they’re going to have to make some changes you know they may have to choose between their behavior and the relay ship and they’re going to have to decide
00:35:09
which one of those is more important when you’re together it’s important that enablers remember not to helicopter not to constantly micromanage the person to see what they’re doing how they’re doing how they’re feeling you know if they’ve
00:35:23
taken their meds whatever the case may be and encourage the person the enabler to try not to obsess or worry about the other person you know you’ve given them the tools they are adults you know obviously there are certain caveats and
00:35:40
exceptions here if somebody is cognitively impaired for some reason you’re gonna have to do a little bit more but most of the time the person is able to do the next step they just have to be willing and willing is something
00:35:56
that they they choose to do so it’s important to encourage the the enabler to try not to worry to recognize that this person may fall on some hard times they have to experience some unpleasantness some pain before they’re
00:36:11
probably going to be motivated to change prepare them for it example thoughts that people with who are enablers may may have I have to do this or he will have this consequence or if I truly loved her then I would do this for her
00:36:32
or if she chooses that behavior it means I’m a failure and unlovable and this is when I see more in addictions where if somebody and especially with children you know children don’t understand and when their parent in their mind chooses
00:36:53
drugs and alcohol over being home with them so we want to help the children realize that they are lovable and the same thing with the other the other parent that is or the other caretaker it’s important that everybody
00:37:07
understands how they feel handling thoughts so when enabler start to have these thoughts that I have to protect this person or if I don’t do this it means that I’m an awful person or I’m
00:37:22
unlovable have them unhook from the thoughts instead of saying I have to they need to have say to themselves I am having the thought that I have to and use the challenging questions what is the evidence for and against this you
00:37:39
know I have to pay her rent or she will be homeless all right well that may be true so there could be great evidence for that what are the consequences of her being homeless you know are there places she can stay you know play it out
00:37:58
to the end if she’s homeless then what’s going to happen and then what’s going to happen what parts of this are my responsibility continue to play it through to the end you know if I withdraw my support what parts of this
00:38:13
are my responsibilities which important things does this help me move toward so if I withdraw my support and I don’t pay her rent for example which important things in my life does that help me move toward maybe that helps me pay off my
00:38:28
own house or pay my own bills or whatever the case may be maybe it reduces friction a lot of times we see this in parents that have kids in college where one parent is sliding money under the table to the kid and the
00:38:41
other parent doesn’t think the child should be getting additional money so there’s a lot of friction so if the parent says well if I if I don’t pay her rent now if I make her actually get a job and pay her own rent then not only
00:38:55
will I save money and be able to pay my own bills but it’ll reduce stress in my marriage which is another thing that is truly important to me we all said we can’t look at toward without looking at away from what important things does
00:39:12
this move me away from well you know we’ll stick with the college kid for right now if we have a college person and you say you know what I’m not gonna pay your rent anymore you have to get a job and start adulting the college
00:39:29
student may say some pretty hurtful things and may be very angry for a while which is difficult for a parent I mean there’s no doubt it’s hard for a parent to go that’s okay you can be angry you can say
00:39:44
you’ll never speak to me again it’s hard to ride through that so it’s important to understand that there are consequences when we do things you know just like there are consequences when the when the struggling person does
00:39:58
things and which values does doing this support so my value to be loyal honest trustworthy compassionate caring you know where does that fall in if I withdraw my support from my child and I say no you’ve got to get your own job
00:40:17
how do I feel about myself and that goes with that guilt that the person the enabler needs to work through and and yes finding that line between enabling and supporting is often a gray area and a lot of the times I ask clients to
00:40:37
really think you know the first question is is this something that my loved one could do for themselves and if so okay now how do we move there a lot of times it’s it can be a gradual thing you know if the person is using drugs for example
00:41:00
or well we’ll stick with that one for a minute if you say okay you need to get help you need to get into treatment you know that’s the first step is getting the person into treatment and it’s not
00:41:15
saying you have to quit using be clean and sober and never ever use again and go to treatment and get fixed all at once you know the first step can be I need you to commit to going to treatment in order to get better or whatever with
00:41:32
the student you know parents can say ahead of time okay beginning next semester you need to pay for your own housing you
00:41:59
so yes it is a negotiation process that sometimes can take place it doesn’t have to be a hundred percent line in the sand right starting right now but the person who’s being enabled needs to know where we’re going you know this
00:42:16
is what I need to happen so the first step I need you to take is blah blah and then we’ll reassess and yes the person does need to step back and say what is in my best interest
00:42:40
assuming we’re dealing with adults here as the person who was struggling you know adults have the ability to make choices and do things on their own most of the time there are those times where it’s not possible what if it’s somebody
00:42:59
who is really struggling with chronic pain because of a terminal illness you know you got to look at where you need to what’s in in everybody’s best interest how do you want this situation to resolve itself and what do you feel
00:43:17
resentful about talking about the enabler you know if you resent having to do this that in the other it’s important to identify why you resent it and maybe what are some options that could happen maybe the person who is well we’ll go on
00:43:39
later don’t judge the person who’s struggling and that is so hard for both parties not to judge one another it is what it is and recognize that at this point the person who is is being enabled is choosing the more rewarding option so
00:44:00
if we remove that yeah they may change but it there has to be teeth to it because if they know if they know that you’re gonna make empty threats then they’re not going to change their behavior and both parties have to accept
00:44:15
it is what it is you know you may not like what I’m doing but it’s my choice don’t have expectations of others instead meet expectations of yourself and this is one I really ask clients to really hold on to what are your
00:44:31
expectations of yourself in terms of the things that are important in your rich and meaningful life in terms of your family your job your other things you know have those expectations what are your expectations
00:44:45
of yourself in terms of this relationship and have them set goals for what they need to do in order to take care of themselves remind them that they didn’t cause the other person’s behavior and they’re only responsible for theirs
00:45:04
you know even if they have been enabling for you know three years or whatever that person made choices along the way now obviously again this is adults if we’re talking about a budding adolescent then it’s a little bit different we may
00:45:22
need to help nurture and mentor and guide that person along the way but that’s where the coaching comes in we’re not doing it for them we’re not calling the admissions office and finding out when applications are due we’re saying
00:45:36
okay what do you need to do in order to get into this college go do it and then helping them learn how to set goals and things we can’t change or fix anybody else they have to want to do it and before engaging in enabling behavior
00:45:54
weigh your options for short and long term pain and this is kind of what I think Margaret was saying about doing what’s in my best interest having clients say okay either way this is gonna be uncomfortable either way
00:46:10
this is gonna hurt so do I continue doing this in order to avoid the short-term pain of arguments and what have you and knowing that there’s going to be long term pain anger resentment
00:46:26
duh-duh-duh or do I say you know what I’m just going to endure this short-term pain of watching my loved one struggle for a bit knowing that hopefully it’ll come out on the other end they will choose to seek help and then I can be
00:46:44
there for them again encourage people to write about their feelings in a journal when enablers are trying to break this if you will it’s important they jot down how they’re feeling so they can identify it and deal with it so they can take
00:47:00
care of themselves deal with the guilt deal with the anger at the other person deal with the anger at themself and encourage them to pursue their own interests and have fun it’s really hard when you are being a blur and the other
00:47:16
person is struggling to say you know what you brought this on yourself you’re gonna do okay and I’m here to help you when you’re ready to start making a change but until then I’m gonna go live my life I remember when my when my
00:47:31
cousin was in jail my aunt had the hardest time going out and living her life and being happy she was just devastated that and and wanted to go in and wanted to fix it and wanted to bail her out and felt so guilty anytime she
00:47:46
had fun because she knew that my cousin was in jail again practice setting boundaries part of both parties recovery is getting very clear about what their boundaries are what do you expect from your partner and and be realistic about
00:48:04
it and this can be a negotiation to a certain extent what behaviors are acceptable and what will you no longer tolerate and I encourage them to also talk about you know what happens if there’s a relapse this is again
00:48:18
especially true with addictions because a lot of times people do relapse and what happens does that mean all bets are off bye-bye I’m washing my hands of you what are the consequences what needs to happen in addicted relationships
00:48:35
sometimes the thought is you need to go to treatment you need to go to outpatient or whatever it is and you need to stay clean and sober if you relapse then you have to agree to go to residential you know so there’s an
00:48:49
upping of the ante of what you need to do what does the enabler need to feel safe and secure so they can let go of those abandonment fears better social supports you know there’s going to be a lot and we need to make sure that all of
00:49:06
their answers to this question don’t center around the person being enabled because we can’t know that that person is gonna make the next right choice for the enabler so we need to say alright what do you need you know what
00:49:21
happens if this person chooses to continue with these behaviors how can you feel safe and secure if this person tries to do the right thing what do you need to feel safe and secure and a lot of times in in these kinds of
00:49:38
relationships the person who was the enabler needs constant reassurance that the person who’s being enabled is doing the next right thing and the person who was being enabled who’s trying to do the right thing now starts feeling like
00:49:53
they’re being henpecked which goes back to that hovering thing so it’s really important to have an open discussion about what each party needs to have to feel safe and secure and it’s also really good for enablers to get involved
00:50:12
in support groups al-anon Alateen any of the 12-step programs if the person has an addiction codependents anonymous is another good one in order for people to start expressing and reaching out to others who have similar experiences and
00:50:32
saying you know I’ve heard this phrase before I feel like I’m going crazy because you know every time he comes home I’m looking for or I’m looking at how do you handle that or you know they’ll run behaviors by each other and
00:50:47
go this is what I’ve started seeing lately is this person headed towards a relapse you know nobody can say that for sure but people who’ve been down that road before can say either no that’s a normal part of this early recovery
00:51:02
process or yeah it looks like that person’s getting into dangerous waters help clients learn how to say no and to mean it how to set that boundary and say no I’m not going to do it this time despite whatever you throw at me
00:51:18
verbally of course I I will not give in to this and it’s hard just like when you have a child and in the candy aisle I remember one time we’re getting ready to check out it was like four and my son was hungry but we
00:51:36
were getting ready to go home and make dinner and we were at the checkout aisle and he wanted candy and I said no and he was like really I want candy please you know like kids do he begged for it he could Joel for it whatever and I said a
00:51:51
hard line and I said no we’re gonna go home and we’re gonna make dinner and then you can have dessert afterwards if you eat your dinner no volume control whatsoever he cited the motto to the store he’s like well so much for Publix
00:52:04
where shopping is a pleasure oh my gosh I was so ready to get out of that store um but I didn’t give in I said no and I meant it and he never did that again thankfully and we need to have our enablers learn how to ask for help and
00:52:22
to get it because too lot for too long they’ve been trying to control everything they’ve been the puppeteer moving around those marionettes and now we have to say you know what somebody has to help you out too you’re not meant
00:52:34
to do it all by yourself so what do you need help with it doesn’t mean you’re weak it doesn’t mean you’re giving in or giving up encourage them to take time out when they get emotional and practice distress tolerance to get into their
00:52:49
wise mind there are going to be days that are harder than others and encouraging clients to just recognize this is important and develop those distress tolerance skills remember accepts and improves are the two
00:53:01
acronyms that we use in DBT have the person identify each day three things they did well or they liked about their themselves and write them in their awesomeness journal you can call it whatever you want mmm but I want people
00:53:17
to remember how good they are and that they are deserving of love and they do deserve to be treated how they expect to be treated encourage them to take the labels off good bad and should you know everything is
00:53:34
kind of gray when we’re dealing with enabling how you feel is how you feel what you do is what you do you either choose to or you choose not to should doesn’t belong in there when it comes to expectations assumptions and excuses
00:53:51
encourage the person to ask themselves how they would treat the other person if it wasn’t their loved one so you know if it wasn’t your child would you be going out of your way to do this for somebody or are you just doing it because it’s
00:54:08
your kid so that helps people get some distance on is am i doing something for this person that they really could do for themselves or and that is fair for me and but in my best interest again that question doesn’t work 100% of the
00:54:24
time but it does help get some perspective sometimes when you’re tempted to think or worry about somebody else turn the attention back to you so when enabler start to get worried about the person they’re enabling they need to
00:54:40
turn that back around and go okay what is it that I need because I can control how I feel I can control what I do and if you know I have to be here and healthy if I want to be of any help to that person so I need to take care of me
00:54:56
encourage the enabler to pay attention to how they talk and treat themselves silencing the inner critic and being compassionate that means quieting those shoulds and not listening to that inner critic that they’ve probably
00:55:08
internalized from the from the person they’ve been been enabling that says you really suck if you don’t do this or how could you do this you are the worst person in the world they need to quiet that down and remember why they’re doing
00:55:26
it and remember that they’re a good person encourage them to have fun pursuing hobbies and interests oh my gosh for however long their life has revolved around taking care of this person and cleaning up messes and
00:55:41
holding things together just kind of by the skin of their teeth well now it’s time to start taking care of you and having some fun get some fun back in your life spend time alone with themselves where
00:55:54
they can just be if they want to sit in their pajamas and watch television if they want to go hiking whatever it is but encourage them to give themselves permission to be alone with themselves because a lot of times people within
00:56:07
Bandhan menthe anxiety also have really low self-esteem and if they’re alone with themselves then they start getting scared they start because they draw goodness they feel like they need other people to validate them so if they start
00:56:23
spending time alone with themselves they’re gonna learn to start self validating and they’re not gonna feel so anxious that oh my gosh if this person leaves I’m gonna be alone they’re gonna think if this person leaves I’m gonna be
00:56:35
alone oh well start looking for the positive in your life and add to the gratitude list each day encourage them to stand up for themselves if someone criticizes undermines or tries to control them
00:56:47
because they’ve gotten that from the person they’ve been enabling for a while and so it’s easy unfortunately to let other people also do it if you’re used to having it from a loved one encourage them to practice mindfulness and radical
00:57:04
acceptance to deal with worry letting go of the control and the need to manage other people remembering the saying live-and-let-live hard to do and you know and I tell people this is what we want to do this is the goal we’re
00:57:19
working towards it is hard to do so I don’t want them to think that I’m being nonchalant about it and help people figure out how can you do this how can you accept yourself and realize that you know what you don’t have to be perfect
00:57:33
to be a lovable human being encourage them to get in touch with their feelings and and not judge their feelings feelings are what they are and if they struggle with them then they’re gonna get stuck in them like quicksand if they
00:57:50
feel sad they feel sad and encourage them to ride the wave and let that feeling come in and go out there are other activities if you use a more cognitive approach that can do but give people tools to deal
00:58:04
with their feelings so they can improve the next moment and not just be stuck with I’m devastated I don’t know what to do with this encourage them to express themselves honestly with everyone what tact of course encourage them to say
00:58:18
what they think and feel and ask for what they need a lot of assertiveness skills and communication skills training is often helpful when working with people who are enablers because they’ve been biting their tongue for so long
00:58:33
that it either comes out as passive or aggressive and there’s nothing in the middle encourage people to reach out for help when they feel bad and not fall into the trap of thinking they should be able to
00:58:44
manage alone because that’s a symptom of codependency too we need help we need other people that we can rely on encourage support and activities support and recovery activities avoiding the dry drunk and this we want people to
00:59:03
continue to do what they need to do to get happy and healthy if it’s pain if it’s addiction whatever remembering you can’t be your partner’s only support if you’re a parent you know you can’t have a 35 year old child or yeah I guess
00:59:21
they’re still your child at 35 that you’re calling every morning going did you get out of bed did you pack your lunch did you do this that’s just not practical you know that person needs to learn to do for themselves what they can
00:59:33
and they need to have other people who are there to support them you can’t be their whole world encourage and support by helping to arrange time in the family schedule and budget and providing emotional support or transportation so
00:59:48
if the loved one needs help doing the recovery activity is going to physical therapy going to treatment whatever it is you know okay you know let’s figure out how to make that happen if you’re willing to do it I am willing to go the
01:00:01
extra mile to help you get there but you have to be willing to do the work have them remember that encouraging doesn’t mean forcing manipulating making ultimatums or nagging and this one gets a little bit
01:00:13
sticky because when you set boundaries you know that’s kind of like an ultimatum if you do this then these are the consequences and a lot of it has to do with delivery just putting out very flatly when this happens this is the
01:00:30
consequence to me or this is why I can’t handle this happening anymore so if it continues to happen then I am going to have to you know that’s not saying you have to do something or I will it’s saying if this continues then from my
01:00:45
own safety sanity and well-being I must do these sorts of things and encourage the person to engage the enabler to engage in their own recovery activities reaching out to other healthy happy in people in their life have them restore
01:01:03
balance stop making excuses minimizing or avoiding problems and simply doing things for that person they can do for themselves even the little things like their laundry or grocery shopping if you have somebody who is addicted a lot of
01:01:18
times parents will or friends will go over to their house and they’ll see this person doesn’t have anything in the refrigerator but beer or maybe not even so they may go out and and grow shopping for the person they can do that for
01:01:31
themselves we need to maybe you need to drive them there but they need to get up and do their own shopping and take responsibility that will help them feel empowered to start making changes in their life leaving the person to clean
01:01:45
up messes she makes well engaging in the destructive behavior whatever that is don’t allow the person to put you in situations that may endanger yourself or others if you’re living with somebody who’s bad with money you know don’t
01:02:00
allow them to have open access you know maybe to the bank account if you’re afraid that they’re going to gamble or spend it all and you won’t be able to pay your bills follow through with plans even if the person refuses to
01:02:13
participate a lot of times people especially if they’re being they feel like they’re being forced to change may kind of dig their heels in and go no I don’t want to go you know I don’t want to do it unless it’s what I want to do
01:02:26
that’s okay you know we made plans to go do this as a family we would love to have you but if you don’t want to go that is your decision we’re not going to continue to cajole you oops
01:02:40
enabling behaviors can occur with anyone not just people who are addicted most of the time people don’t start out enabling they often feel responsible in some way for whatever predicament the person has gotten into and are trying to make
01:02:54
things better supporting without enabling means getting clear boundaries about your wants and needs as the enabler setting those boundaries both emotional boundaries it’s okay for me to be happy even if you’re angry physical
01:03:10
boundaries you know what’s safe what’s not safe can this person live in this household can they not live in this household whatever and financial boundaries learning how to say no when the person asks for assistance which
01:03:24
also goes along with setting boundaries and being willing to encourage and support healthy behaviors that’s the supporting part you know we’re willing to be there and help you take that step we’re willing to be there and help you
01:03:39
figure out what the next right step is as long as you’re willing to take the step and yes depending on the person encouraging the enabler to set boundaries is often relatively easy because a lot of times they’re coming in
01:04:07
going I’m at my wit’s end I I’m miserable I’m stuck I don’t feel like I can know what to do anymore and then we start talking about from a behavioral as well I start talking about from a behavioral standpoint helping them
01:04:21
understand motivation and helping them understand reinforcement and punishment and really look at the chaining if you want to use and dialectical behavior therapy has wonderful chaining worksheets that you can help the enable
01:04:34
or see how their behavior leads to X Y Z consequence how they might be able to do something differently in order to break that chain and lead to a different consequence and it’s a slow process a lot of times the
01:04:51
first thing in a blurs say when you say you gotta start setting boundaries is I can’t okay let’s talk about that you can’t or you’re afraid to or you’d feel guilty and we go down those so generally it’s
01:05:05
not a one session and done sort of thing where person comes in you say set boundaries they say cool I’m going to do that and move out there’s a building up process to getting the courage to do it and dealing with their own stuff and
01:05:17
figuring out okay what do I need to do and how can I do it in a way that is most helpful and meaningful to me and my family are there any questions any other questions
01:05:57
all righty everybody have an awesome weekend and I will see you next week if you enjoy this podcast please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube you can attend and participate in our live webinars with
01:06:12
doctor Snipes by subscribing at all CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox this episode has been brought to you in part by all CEUs calm providing 24/7 multimedia continuing education and pre certification training to counselors

00:00:13
Hey there everybody, and welcome to Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life. Today we’re going to be talking about two sort of related concepts validation or our need
00:00:27
for validation and control. So let’s start with validation what is this validation is when we get the message that we’re okay we need validation to feel good about ourselves but we don’t necessarily need validation from every
00:00:45
person and that’s one of the places that a lot of us make mistakes is that we want to be loved and approved of by everybody all the time I’ll get over it and ain’t gonna happen you’re not even going to approve of yourself all the
00:00:57
time but one of the steps or one of the things that you can do in order to ensure that you’re getting the validation that you need is to a make sure that you self validate you look at yourself and you say I’m okay I’m a good
00:01:13
person you know I make mistakes I’m not perfect but I’m a good person and also surround yourself with significant others who validate you they may not say it and remember when we talk about love
00:01:25
languages you know sometimes people communicate their validation and caring not necessarily by words but by acts of service or by giving gifts or spending quality time with you if they want to spend time with you that’s validating it
00:01:41
means they enjoy being around you so we do need to you know be a little bit more open to the concept of validation we also need to know how we experience how we prefer to experience validation because you know even though people are
00:01:57
not necessarily by their nature going to communicate that way we can nudge them in that direction we can let them know how we experience love what our love languages are and that will help them be able to more effectively valid
00:02:13
so for me for example one of my top love languages is acts of service so when people do nice things when my kids I come home and they’ve done an extra good job cleaning the house I’m just like oh my gosh thank you so much
00:02:28
that is very validating to me it validates that they respect me and they care about me as a person I’m not big on gifts you know that’s not one of those things so you need to know how you experience validation and be able to
00:02:42
communicate that to others so they can communicate to you in your love language otherwise if you’re speaking two different languages you’re probably going to have an impasse we also need to look at from whom we need validation and
00:02:57
why and this is a big question we need validation from other people it’s true we need to feel like we’re loved and we’re accepted by people but not everybody so I want you to think about who in your life you need validation
00:03:11
from is it your kids is it your significant other is it your parents you know who is it and why you know what what would happen you know just hypothetically what would happen if one of those people that you quote need
00:03:27
validation from didn’t give it to you does it make you less of a person does it make you less okay as a person you know sometimes you know I’ll take parents for example sometimes parents aren’t going to agree with the decisions
00:03:42
their kids make and they’re not going to validate those decisions but we want to separate number one we want to separate them not validating decisions from not validating us you know if I make a decision that my parents didn’t agree
00:03:59
with or when I did you know they were very clear they didn’t agree with that decision but they loved me and they supported me anyway which was validating they you know may not agree with the choice I was making they may think it
00:04:13
was downright a mistake but they loved me and supported me anyway so you want to separate validation of actions from validation of person 4 1 and number 2 remember that not everybody is going to be able to for one reason or another
00:04:32
validate you all the time so you need to be able to validate yourself if they don’t agree with it or if they’re not providing the attention and quality time and validation that you need alright where can you get it from you know so
00:04:47
don’t put all your eggs in one basket rely on other people know that you’ve got other friends that are there to support you even if one friend is kind of flaking out right now
00:05:00
do we need validation from our higher power and if you’re a spiritual person you may you may want to believe that your higher power approves of you so again you need that’s a relationship that nobody else is taking part in so
00:05:15
you need to be able to have a good communication with that higher power or a feeling and your head heart and gut that says I am doing right by my higher power and I’m making my higher power proud of me if that is a validation that
00:05:30
you need and we do need validation from ourselves in order to get love respect validation from other people we have to be able to love respect and validate ourselves so you need to look in the mirror and go I’m a good person
00:05:46
it practiced that when you start criticizing yourself and a lot of us get caught up with these self-deprecating comments about you know I’m stupid I’m not good at that I’m whatever knock that off
00:06:01
you know that’s maybe you made a mistake that’s okay but you’re still a good person and be able to appreciate yourself for who you are then you’re not going to need other people to always validate you because if they’re not able
00:06:15
to do it because they’re caught up with their own stuff or they just are mad at you for some reason or whatever that’s okay you know that’s their right you don’t have to have them to tell you that it’s okay that you breathe the air you
00:06:30
need to be able to validate yourself so what is validation look like we keep talking about this word but what is it you can have your feelings valid and force a lot of us who are feelers if you go to the myers-briggs we need to
00:06:48
have when we feel upset or something we need to have our feelings validated we need to have somebody say I can see that you’re really angry or I can see that you’re really scared they may not agree they don’t have to feel the same but if
00:07:01
they’re identifying how we feel and they’re going I got you I’m sensing that you feel this way that can be enough now do they have to agree with our feelings if we say yes then we’re gonna set ourselves up for a world of hurt because
00:07:17
we can’t control how other people feel we need to accept that we feel how we feel based on our experiences my experiences are very different than my friends experiences so where something might stress me out you know it may not
00:07:37
stress her out and there are some things that stress her out that don’t bother me a bit and you know I understand for example she is terrified of paper wasps I love the little buggers there they’re great beneficial insects they’re really
00:07:52
docile but I can understand her fear of them and so you know I validate the fact that she’s afraid of them and and you know I respect that I don’t say oh well you know puh just get over it it’s not that easy you know I wish she could and
00:08:11
see how cute they were but that’s not how she’s wired so I recognized that is a part of her and I validate that we want to validate people’s thoughts and they’re gonna have different opinions my son has different opinions about things
00:08:26
than I do and you know I have different opinions than my mother and etc and that’s okay we want to validate their thoughts as you know their thoughts are valid your thoughts your opinions your feelings are valid for you they may not
00:08:43
be valid for me but they are valid for you and I respect you as a person and we need to have our being validated we need to be validated that we are lovable good people and that is independent of what
00:09:00
we do and our feelings and our thoughts it’s who we are we are good people that make mistakes that are fallible that yeah yada yada yada but we need to believe that we are lovable and we need to feel experience that other people
00:09:18
believe that we are lovable and again it doesn’t necessarily come from the people that every person that we want it to not everybody is going to validate your being and that’s a lot a lot of times that has more to do with their stuff
00:09:38
then then your stuff but if you let it destroy your self-esteem and your confidence and your mood and your energy then you’re giving them power validate yourself say you know what I’m good enough I’m smart enough and gosh darn it
00:09:56
people like me and and move on and recognize all the other people in your life that validate who you are that person is just missing the boat and in tough tiddlywinks for them so what are some reasons we may not get validation
00:10:14
from other people well they may not agree or feel the same and they may be unwilling or unable to take our point of view some people have huge control issues it’s either their way or the highway
00:10:26
now remember I keep saying if they can’t validate you it’s probably more about them than about you well this is a perfect example if they are unwilling to respect your point of view or your feelings that’s more about them if
00:10:43
they’re too immersed in their own stuff to be able to begin to understand your point of view whether it’s you know whatever drama they’ve got going on in their life and they just don’t have the emotional energy to pay attention to
00:10:58
what’s going on to you or to listen or to be there for you it doesn’t mean it’s about you it means it’s their stuff is getting in the way so always take a step back and ask yourself is there some other reason
00:11:12
besides me besides me being unvalidated all that this person may be acting this way and 99% of the time you’re gonna come up with a great big yes now why might we not get validation from ourselves well it’s really hard to
00:11:31
validate ourselves if we base our entire worth on what other people say do and think about us so if I feel like I’m a worthwhile person as long as so-and-so likes me and as long as I’m in a relationship and as long as this and
00:11:44
that in the other all of those things are involve other people and I can’t control other people so if those other people are caught in their own stuff which a lot of us are these days then I may be out there kind of like flapping
00:12:01
like a fish out of water if I can validate myself then I can catch my breath we can’t validate ourselves if we don’t appreciate ourselves and you know that whole self-love thing people kind of laugh at it and they’re like oh
00:12:16
that’s so hokey but really you need to realize and call it whatever you want self respect self love self honesty you need to look inside and go I’m a good person because and one of the ways that I have clients do this sometimes is go
00:12:33
online and find a list of values and if you put in like the top 100 values or something you can get all kinds of values lists and it’ll stay things like honesty and integrity and compassion and yada yada yada and go through that list
00:12:49
and highlight all of the values that represent you and then go back over that list and highlight the top five that really characterize who you are that you know if you were heaven forbid you were to die today they would put on your
00:13:06
epitaph she was caring compassionate loyal you know I sound like a dog at this point but you want to identify those things that way you can recognize them in yourself and go what and and say to yourself you know what
00:13:20
I’m pretty awesome I’d like to be my friend because that’s what validation is it’s being your own best friend and you may not validate yourself if you were taught that we are that you are only lovable if somebody else says you are
00:13:36
and again that goes back to relying on other people to get their head out of their own stuff and focus on us that’s pretty self-centered isn’t it so we’ve got to realize they’ve got other stuff going on they’ve got their
00:13:52
life and they may not agree with us whatever they’ve got their stuff and we’ve got our stuff we all have stuff but we need to be able to look at ourselves independent of our stuff and say I’m lovable I’m a good person so I
00:14:09
encourage you to start working on that today identify five characteristics five values whatever you want to call them that make you a really awesome friend person whatever and focus on those for the next week to realize how cool you
00:14:28
are all right so once you start being able to validate yourself it’s a little bit easier to let go of control because if you’re not having to ensure that everybody else tells you you’re okay then you can let things flow a
00:14:44
little bit you can go you know what I’m good things may not go the way I planned but I’m good so when we come down to relationships and and validation and everything we need to recognize that letting go and forgiveness can be very
00:15:03
scary and if we rely on that other person to validate us then letting go can be terrifying because if I let go of that person who validates me then who’s going to do it maybe I’ll cease to be so we want to be able to recognize that
00:15:21
it’s important to be able to validate ourselves so that if somebody leaves our life we don’t feel like we’re going to disappear forgiveness can be scary because it means letting go of anger it means
00:15:39
letting go of hostility it doesn’t mean forgetting and forgiveness is really a power play letting go means choosing not to waste your energy fighting against something you can’t control or is not worth your
00:15:54
energy so again going back to a bad relationship for example if you’re in a bad relationship and that person is not validating you that person is not making you feel like you’re yourself they’re dragging you down in some way shape or
00:16:09
form and it’s just it’s oil and water it may not be the best relationship to stay in but letting go is hard number one cuz you know what to expect with that person and you don’t know when you’re gonna find somebody else and
00:16:24
dating is a hassle and all that but letting go is a choice you make in order to be true to yourself inside your own you don’t your own head your brain and your heart are telling you this is a bad thing this is not where you need to be
00:16:42
this is not a good situation for you when you validate yourself and you say you’re right this is not a good situation for me I need to get out oh my gosh how liberating is that but then that means you’ve got to let go that
00:16:57
means you’ve got to let that person go to the curb and be okay with that and choose not to waste your energy fighting against you know trying to change them not waste your energy trying to make them into something they’re not we
00:17:14
cannot change other people we can help them see things we can suggest that we would like to see some changes but unless they want to make those changes they ain’t gonna make them we can’t change other people so when we let go
00:17:32
we’re saying you know what I’m done I tried as hard as I can and it’s time for me to move on because if I validate my my own thoughts and my own feelings I know that the right move for me is to move on forgiveness means letting go of
00:17:50
the hurt and resentment that’s draining your energy so you can move forward to what’s important to you forgiveness is for you not them so if you’re in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs and you know you’re frustrated
00:18:04
with that person because you feel like they’re just they’re not trying you feel like they’re undermining you you feel like they’re not validating you whatever it is you know you can get really frustrated at you’re not doing this
00:18:16
you’re not doing this okay they’re not what are you doing what do you need to do forgiveness is accepting that they either made a mistake or they did something that was unacceptable and you know you identified it or they’re not
00:18:40
willing to change and you need to be willing to of them because that unleashes that energy if you stay angry at them for not changing then when you get into your next relationship you’re still carrying
00:18:53
that baggage with you and you’re probably still back in the back of your mind looking for this next person to do the same thing and the next person after that so forgive that person say you know what you had you were too stuck in your
00:19:07
own stuff I’m not gonna forget I’m not gonna go back there but I’m gonna forgive you because it’s not worth me staying angry over what you did or didn’t do for me and I’m going to move forward so letting go and forgiveness
00:19:22
are things that we generally can only do when we start validating ourselves so can you get validation and have control at the same time well not everybody’s gonna validate you it’s it’s not their job to make you feel okay your job is to
00:19:42
make you feel okay but there’s generally you generally will always have some people that you will about that will validate you you know whether it’s your parents or your best friend or whomever you’re generally going to have someone
00:19:56
that will validate you if you get hung up on why a particular person won’t validate you ask yourself why do I care you know if this particular person is just not getting with your program why are you beating your head against the
00:20:14
wall for that why do you keep going after something that isn’t clearly not going to resolve the way you want a lot of times this is because you’re trying to relive something from the past and you’re trying to quote get it right this
00:20:31
time so if you’ve been in a bad relationship and you get into another relationship that’s similar you may be trying to make this one work out correctly a lot of times people will redo things
00:20:44
subconsciously trying to succeed trying to fix it this time another question you can ask yourself is why am i trying to control this person why is it worth my energy to try to convince them to do all the things that I want the way I want
00:21:02
why why do I need to do that there are millions of other people out there what is it about this person and what parts of this situation do I have control over because maybe the person’s not doing what you wanted them to do because you
00:21:19
haven’t clearly communicated all right well that you have control over maybe the person isn’t doing what you want them to do because they don’t want to well you don’t have control over that so then you can the part you have
00:21:34
control over is whether you choose to stay in that relationship and stay in that situation if it is not growth producing if it is hurting you instead of enhancing you when you’re in relationships when things happen and
00:21:52
you’re feeling like you need validation and people aren’t doing what you want it can be a really icky place to be so practice psychological flexibility identify to yourself that you’re feeling empty you’re feeling unloved you’re
00:22:06
feeling however you’re feeling and then ask yourself what things can I do starting right now to improve the next moment what would make me happy you know what things can I do what do I have control over can you get enough sleep
00:22:22
can you go out and exercise can you hang out with some different friends you know what is it that you can do to improve your next moment instead of staying stuck spinning your wheels it’s like a car that gets stuck in the mud and
00:22:37
you’re just spinning your wheels and throwing mud and digging deeper into it if you try to fight this other situation try to fight and get somebody to do something that they are just not gonna do and develop heartiness commitment
00:22:53
control and challenge and we’re going to focus mainly on commitment remember every single morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed kind of do an inventory of all the awesome things in your life what’s going
00:23:06
for you what good things do you have yeah you know you’re gonna have some things that are not going the best you know nobody has a perfect life all the time that’s okay but too often we get stuck focusing on those things that
00:23:20
aren’t going the best and then we start feeling unlovable and unsuccessful and undone everything so it’s important to remember all of the things that you’ve got going for you the friends that you have the things that are going right in
00:23:35
your life and that will help you keep moving forward and remember you know commitment be committed to those values that make you such a loveable awesome person because if you’re exuding awesomeness other people are going to
00:23:51
gravitate towards you if you are kind and compassionate and caring and intelligent and you know whatever the things are that make you who you are other people who value those qualities are going to gravitate toward you so
00:24:05
it’s just a matter of taking a breath and living authentically other things that you can do with psychological flexibility you can unhook from your thoughts so you know ending relationships and not going back can be
00:24:24
really challenging especially if you have low self-esteem or codependency you know there are a lot of reasons so one of the things to do when you get out of a relationship and you know you’re tempted to try to go back and make up
00:24:40
you’re tempted to minimize what was going on and get back into the relationship a lot of times your brain is saying I can’t live without that person and you may feel in your heart like a part of its being ripped out and
00:24:55
it kind of is and you feel like you can’t take it well unhooking from your thoughts that is a way of separating from that and instead of saying I can’t take it say I’m having the thought that I can’t take
00:25:10
it I’m having the thought that I’m gonna be alone forever and then work through it because thoughts come and go you know let that thought go or replace it with another more accurate thought identify who and
00:25:26
what is truly important in your life and acknowledge your feelings thoughts urges and behaviors in the present so if you’re feeling lonely and isolated and defeated that’s okay acknowledge it instead of fighting with it or ignoring
00:25:42
it acknowledge it and then say what can I do to improve the next moment you can make two lists the first list is things that I do or think that helped me move toward the important things in my life and review this list every day because
00:25:59
these are things that you want to do to keep moving forward and the other list is things that I do or think that keep me stuck drain my forward energy or move me away from what is important and you know dwelling on things chasing after
00:26:15
old loves you know there’s a lot of things we do that waste our energy that could be used to to move towards our goals so you have those two lists review the positive list every day that’ll help you remember what you need to do to keep
00:26:31
moving toward the important things like take care of your health you know if you want to be there for your kids because they’re important well one of those ways to do that is to take care of your health
00:26:40
so you’re live a long life and finally make a choice remember that when you feel a certain way you have control over how to use your energy so you can either you know spend the energy running after that person pleading with them to change
00:27:00
and to take you back and to do all these things and probably not get anywhere and be back in the same place in a month or you can choose to do something different and live more authentically moving towards other people and things that are
00:27:16
important in your life and acknowledge that that one well it had its benefits also had a lot of drawbacks and for your own health sanity and happiness you need to let it go
00:27:32
so steps towards self validation here are some exercises you can do identify the values and characteristics about yourself that make you awesome we talked about that one make a bill of rights and each item starts with I deserve to I
00:27:48
deserve to be happy I deserve to take a break I deserve to whatever keep that Bill of Rights going try to make twenty items that’s gonna make you really think by the time you get past ten you really start having to
00:28:04
think about you know what exactly do I deserve and if you can’t think of all of them you know think about your kids for example and think about you know what did they deserve what do your kids deserve they deserve to be happy they
00:28:18
deserve to be healthy they deserve to not be scared you know what else follow your Bill of Rights once you write it you got to follow it so remind yourself when you start doing things am i adhering to my own Bill of Rights I
00:28:37
if I the people in your past from whom you craved validation and never got it and explore why that may have been more about them than about you so if you wanted validation from one of your parents and you just could never seem to
00:28:52
please that parent okay you know now that you’re older and wiser and everything else let’s look back and see if that was more about them and their frustrations or their stuff than it was about you or maybe they actually did
00:29:10
approve of you but they didn’t know how to communicate it so you didn’t feel validated even though they approved of you identify why you crave validation do you want to know that you’re important and a lot of times if you’re not able to
00:29:26
self validate then you need others to tell you you’re okay and you’re important if you can validate yourself then you don’t crave validation from others make a list of people you know who fit the label that like the person
00:29:44
that you want to be who is it that is important relevant and lovable in your life and identify how you’re like those people so if you have a hard time identifying what’s awesome about you look around at your friends and the
00:30:00
people that you value and identify what’s awesome about them and then go you know do I have that quality and a lot of times you’re going to find that yeah you do have that quality or something similar so we’ve gone over you
00:30:17
know kind of a broad spectrum and we’re talking a lot about validation because the need for validation from other people is one of the reasons that many people stay in unhealthy relationships so we talked about why we may need
00:30:31
validation how we can get validation how we can validate ourselves and then we talked a little bit about letting go of control and admitting that sometimes you know somebody else just can’t or won’t validate us but a lot of times that’s
00:30:48
because of their stuff and we can’t fix that they have to be willing to fix that so we’ve got to be able to let go of control forgive them for not being willing to play by our playbook and move on and
00:31:02
then we ended with exploring some psychological flexibility activities that we can do in order to learn about and and keep present in our mind how awesome we are and why we deserve love and respect if you like this podcast
00:31:20
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