I once read a story about a woman who adopted a
stray dog that she found wandering the highway. He was a sweet mutt. He was good with kids, he was
well behaved, and he didn't make messes in the house. The only downside was that every time
they got into the car he would get worked up into a tizzy, he would run back and forth across
the back seat frantically panting with anxiety, and if that wasn't bad enough he would then
throw up all over the back seat. This happened every time they got into the car. Now you can
imagine the dog owner was about at her wit's end. In desperation she decided to take
the dog to a trainer and ask for help. The trainer taught the woman to teach the dog to
be calm by having the dog lay down in the car.
She explained that when the dog's body is in a calm
position it sends messages to the brain that he's safe and triggers him to relax. The woman started
working with the dog every day putting him in the car, gently making him lay down, and before long
he stopped throwing up in her car. Problem solved. In previous videos in this course we learned
that our emotional reactions are much deeper than our thoughts, they show up in the body and are
powered by the fight-flight-freeze response in our limbic system. Now we're going to talk about
how to soothe anxiety in your nervous system through the skill of self-regulation. Basically
this means calming down your nervous system and creating the physiological response
of feeling safe when we are actually safe. This video is sponsored by Take 2 Minutes. Take 2 Minutes is a non-profit dedicated to helping improve your happiness. They use text messages to
send you a positive message every day and you can just text them to get sent a custom activity
designed to help improve your mental health. They have guided meditations, an easy gratitude
journal, and some great resources to help with anxiety, sleep, and improve your mental health.
Their service is free. Sign up now. Just go to their website at take2minutes.org, or text the number on
the screen to start getting positive messages and activities today. Is it possible to have an anxiety
disorder or ptsd if your body is calm? I've worked with many professional trauma educators who say
that you cannot have ptsd or anxiety disorders in a relaxed body. Anxiety and ptsd are the
outward symptoms of having your nervous system stuck in high alert, when when your amygdala is
sending the message that you're in danger and it's triggering that fight-flight-freeze response.
So this is why anxiety is something that you feel in your stomach, or ptsd locks you into hyper
vigilance, you know, jumping at the slightest threat. This is because your nervous system gets
stuck in that sympathetic response. People often feel helpless to change their stress response
and it can feel impossible because this fight-flight-freeze response is an autonomic
reaction, but we have more influence than we realize.
So for example, when stressed, our muscles
get tense without us consciously thinking about it, however, we can control our muscles when we think
about it, or when we feel nervous, our breathing gets shorter and shallower, but if we consciously
take a deep breath, we can slow down our breathing. These are two autonomic reactions that we can
influence. We can change how stressed our body feels by doing simple techniques. The coolest
thing about this is not only does your brain send a message to your body about whether to be
stressed or calm, but your body sends a message to your brain about whether to be stressed or
whether to be calm. So when we choose to breathe deeply or slowly, we choose to turn on that
parasympathetic response, which fosters calm.
So in this video I'm going to teach you a half
dozen ways to regulate your nervous system and turn on that parasympathetic response. When
you practice this, you can transform your nervous system from being dominated by the stress response
to being dominated by the rest and digest response. Now a quick side note, many people are familiar
with relaxation skills. With relaxation skills we stop doing a task, we step away, and we engage
in an activity that takes a lot of our attention. So for example, watching tv right? Relaxation skills
really are important, but again they are hard to practice daily, I mean the healthy ones are hard
to practice daily, obviously watching tv is really easy, but um they can be a form of avoidance that
leads to problems in the future. So we sometimes have this idea that if we're working, we also have
to be stressed right? If we're working- we have to be stressed- these are fused, and that the
only way to be relaxed is to be away from work. Seeing a situation this way creates a dependence
on avoidance and if you remember back in section 4, avoidance makes us anxious.
When we think of
situations as the cause of our stress, we create helplessness around our stress levels. So if you
have the belief that 'I'm stressed because of my job', then you may feel like the only way to escape
that stress is to quit your job or just grate your way through it. Now there's another way to think
and act, we can train our minds and our bodies to separate the situation from the response. So let
me give you an example, if instead you recognize- 'I'm stressed because I constantly believe that I'm
in danger when I get feedback at my job', this can help you reduce that stress response at work. Now
we're going to talk a lot more about this, this way we think about danger, in the sections on Perceived
Danger and Creating Safety, but when we acknowledge that it's the belief that we're in danger, when
we're actually safe, that's making us anxious, then that opens up a little space to change how you see
your job.
So if you have a massive stress response in the face of your job evaluation, you could
change your thinking by reminding yourself- 'this is not a threat to my physical safety,
I don't need to fight off a tiger right now, I'm safe.' So in this way, relaxation skills can
sometimes backfire, they're helpful and important, but self-regulation skills are things we can
do while we're still at work and while we're changing our thinking right? Unlike relaxation
skills, self-regulation skills are things we do while performing a task to keep our nervous system
balanced. We can practice them throughout the day and while doing almost any activity. They keep our
nervous system calm while active, and they decrease stress and exhaustion. So basically the goal of
self-regulation is to pair the type of thinking that says 'I am safe right now', with a relaxed
body which keeps us calm, clear-headed, and focused. So when we're calm, we're better able to make
value-based decisions instead of being reactive, and practicing this creates relaxed vigilance.
Let
me tell you a story about how I learned this right. I used to work at a treatment center for teenage
girls. I really liked the job, it was very rewarding, but for me it was also really stressful. Each of
these girls faced many challenges and I cared a lot about them. I always wanted to do my very best
to help them. One of the most stressful parts of my job was parent weekends, when the parents of these
girls would fly out and visit for three days and we would cram as many individual family and group
therapy sessions into the weekend as was humanly possible.
For my first two years working there
these weekends were times where at work I felt like I was sprinting right, I didn't sleep well, I
was high strung, I was stressed out, I was trying to almost frantically cram as much intensity into
my day as possible. I didn't know any other way. I thought that in order to perform under
pressure, I had to be worked up and wound tight. That if I cared about my work it was natural
that I was going to be stressed and that the only alternative was to choose a job that was boring or
not important.
I really didn't know any other way. So I just kept going through this like stress
and exhaustion cycle. Then one January, I attended a conference on treating trauma that changed my
perspective. Using many of the activities that I'm going to teach you in this chapter, the facilitator
trained us to foster a calm body while engaging in an intense activity.
As I practiced these
skills, I developed the ability to facilitate a parent weekend without having to be completely
stressed out. I still cared, I still brought my A-game, and I was excited to be there, and we
still did a million sessions in a weekend, but by monitoring and relaxing my body's stress
response, I was able to stay more regulated in my body, I was able to think more clearly, and I was
able to go home at the end of the day feeling more energetic and less exhausted. It was still hard
work, but it became enjoyable and sustainable again.
The ability to be busy, engaged, even vigilant,
without our nervous system freaking out, is a skill that can be learned. Eric Gentry, who trained
me in this, he trains ER doctors and Policemen and Special Ops and Soldiers with ptsd, and he teaches
them how to be active, how to actually create safety, this experience, this felt sense of safety,
even in genuinely life-threatening experiences. How to do it without being
dominated by the stress response? We create this state by pairing the belief that
we're safe- 'okay, I know that no one is killing me right now', with mindful awareness and physical
self-regulation, and when we do this we perform the same tasks that we previously found to be you
know, exhausting and stressful, we do this instead while keeping a calm body.
Now in a previous video
I taught you four skills that send a message from your body to your brain to calm down. They are deep
belly breathing, the valsalva maneuver, peripheral vision, softening your gaze, and the yawn. And in
my last video I taught you the shake it off skill. Many of these are simple things you can do
throughout your day to regulate your stress even when you're facing stressful tasks.
I think
it's pretty cool that your phone or your smart watch can also remind you throughout the day to
take a deep breath or to pause or to go for a walk. Now all these skills can help your nervous system
calm down, and it's like they're strengthening your calm muscle. The more you practice, the better
you'll get at getting calm. Now there are lots of other activities that help stimulate
the vagus nerve and its calming effects, so I'm gonna teach you four more right now.
So go ahead and write down your anxiety level right now on a scale from zero to ten. This
first skill is an interesting one, it's called the emotional freedom technique or tapping. So
go ahead and just gently tap on your forehead seven times, and now do that
again right here next to your eye, and then right here under your eye, right here above your lip, below your lip- one two three four
five six seven, your collarbone, right here under your arm, and then right here on the karate chop
area- one two three four five six seven.
Okay, now that the activity is over, write down your
anxiety level again on a scale from zero to ten. Now for most people, their
anxiety goes down a little bit. Now here's the thing about this technique,
there is no scientific evidence to back this up. Proponents of tapping say that you're doing work
with your energy or your meridians or your chi, but there's really no research to back this up.
What we do know is that it tends to take the anxiety level down a notch for most people. In my
opinion, almost anything we can do to get grounded in the body can help the body remind the brain
that you are safe right now, so that's why I think this works for some people. Just look around your
room right now, open your eyes, look beyond to the screen you're looking at right now and just notice
you're safe in this room.
You're okay right now. This is how we calm the brain and the body.
Okay, number two is a lot more fun. Laughter triggers that parasympathetic response. Have you
ever noticed how when someone has a near miss, like they nearly get hit by a car or something,
they have this instinctive laugh? That's the body's way of relieving that pressure, that built
up fear response. So when you can, take the time to laugh throughout your day. Another way to do this
is getting upside down, getting inverted right? So you could do a headstand or you could use
an inversion table. What this does is this sends blood to the heart, it slows down its beats, and
that can trigger a relaxation response. Another way to trigger that parasympathetic response is
washing your face in cold water.
This triggers the dive response which slows heart rate and breathing.
There's a couple of other really good ways to um foster that balanced nervous system, one of them
is monotasking right? I mean just do one thing at a time. The reason this is important is because
your brain perceives multitasking as a threat, so whenever possible just do one thing at a time.
Another thing that's helpful is mindfulness, this is a big word for saying- be where you're at,
be present doing what you're doing, and that's because 99.9% of the time, we're actually safe, we're
physically safe.
We're going to talk more about this in the next video, but we have the perception
of danger when we don't notice where we're at. Something else that's helpful in triggering
that parasympathetic response is just doing one slow thing a day, so stop to pet a dog, sit and
drink cold water without doing anything else, just one slow thing a day. You know what else
is good for the parasympathetic response sex. Sex takes you through these natural cycles
of the parasympathetic response, and then the sympathetic response for orgasm, and then the
parasympathetic system rebounds afterwards. So sex can take you through these healthy cycles
of nervous system activation and relaxation. If you want to foster a healthy nervous system
it's also important to pay attention to your biorhythms.
That means eat when you're hungry, sleep
when you're tired, you know exercise when you feel that need inside of your body. Here's another
really great way to trigger that parasympathetic response- hug someone you care about. So hugs
send a sense of safety to the brain, which then releases oxytocin, which lowers blood pressure
and heart rate, and turns down that stress response. And stretching can also turn down that stress
response, so when we release muscle tension it sends a message to our brain to calm down.
So go ahead and try one of these right now.
I'm gonna just do a quick stretch, my shoulders
get really tight, and if I do this little (exhale).. let's do the other arm (slow breaths)- ahh. Now, I hope you're
feeling a little bit better. Please remember from skill number five that if we try to
force, control, suppress, or avoid our emotions, these attempts tend to backfire. If you're feeling
anxious and you try to force yourself to calm down, it can make you feel more anxious. So instead,
practice willingness, allow yourself to feel your emotions and then expand your awareness to the
calm and content areas that are already in your body. Gently lean into these sensations of calmness
instead of trying to force your anxiety to go away.
You should have plenty of opportunities
throughout your day to feel a little tense, notice it, and actively work to soften while still
doing your activity, your work or whatever it is. Practice this act of self-regulation every day, it
takes almost no extra time, just a little bit of awareness. We should be doing self-regulation
every couple of minutes throughout the day. So this practice of checking in, regulating
your muscles and your response, it just takes a second or two to do, but if you can
if you do it consistently throughout your day, this can completely change your
nervous system to be dominated by calm. In the next video you're going to learn how to
soothe your mind and create that felt sense of safety. You're going to learn about perceived
danger and actual safety. Thank you for watching and take care. This video is one skill from my
30 skill course- How To Process Your Emotions, where I teach 30 of the most essential skills for
resolving depression, anxiety, and improving mental health. Emotion processing is an essential skill
for working through intense emotions, but most people have never been taught how to do it.
I'm
putting every single main video lesson on youtube for the world to access for free. You watching
these videos, sharing them, contributing to my Patreon, and my sponsors make this possible. If
you would like to access the entire course in one place, ad free, with its workbook, exercises,
downloads, extra videos, live Q&A's, additional short readings, and links to extended resources, the link
to buy the course is in the description below. .