listen to what experts say about the easiest parenting hack for tantrums and misbehavior 5 minutes with your kid as often as possible of just time without phone I call it PNP time with my younger kids play no phone the 10-minute Miracle this is a game Cher for unwanted behaviors special time is one of the core principles of ADHD and behavior management and is actually beneficial for all kids and I’m just doing whatever they want to do and that works wonders no matter what you call it one-on-one playtime is frequently recommended for its profound impact on kids behavior and parent child relationships but there are some crucial things that most people get wrong about this strategy so what are the experts not telling you and most importantly how do you avoid these mistakes and actually make this hack work well first know that the concept of special playtime isn’t something novel despite what you see on social media it really originated in the 1970s as a a part of pcit and other parent training programs so what started as a structured component of specific therapies has evolved into more simplistic advice but it’s actually far from a quick tip special time is really an intentional practice that when done right makes lasting change so I actually already hinted at the first misconception about special time did you catch it imagine for a moment that when you play with your child your home is the set of a TV show your child holds the very important jobs of story writer director and lead actor you’re the production designer first planning and making the set for the story to unfold sometimes you’re also kind of like the gaffer the person who shines the light on specific parts of the story but most importantly you are like a live audience directly witnessing each scene unfold so special time is not just about playing with your child you both have critical roles to purposely follow and you as the parent are using specific skills to directly work on your child’s behavior and your relationship with them initially your special time is like the first several takes of a scene in your show you and your child rehearse your roles and lines until they’re more natural and can make the final cut of improved behaviors and connection so two things are actually true here spending dedicated one-on-one time playing can positively impact kidss behavior and parents must use certain skills to really have meaningful change but what are those skills exactly think back to your TV show set for a second imagine as a live audience member you go up to the director and ask her so what are the characters going to do next or you tell the lead actor you should sit over there instead would you really do that something that I see many parents do when playing with their child is offering ideas or suggestions that inadvertently steer the play time and when they do they’ve assumed the role of the director of the show the role that’s intended for their child your child has full creative direction to make their choices about how they want to play during special time it’s essential for parents to be the audience you’re not asking the actor or director questions and you’re definitely not giving instructions on what they should be doing questions and instructions take over the conversation in play and they could suggest disapproval or what your child should be doing instead I know it’s tough but a parent who is skillful at special time will save all their questions for after and will avoid giving any instructions to their child during play time but if you’re not supposed to ask your child questions or give them any sort of directions during special time then what are you supposed to say when parents and kids have gotten into negative behavior Cycles noticing the bad has usually become more of the norm we know that from research kids with ADHD in particular get more negative and critical feedback than than kids who don’t have ADHD so during special time use positive words and attention to let them know you see all the good things too in your role as the gaffer you want to specifically shine a light on your child’s positive and neutral behaviors that align with your family’s values and expectations you do this with your words whether that’s through specific praise like I love how calm your body is while we play simply describing their positive behavior like you’re sitting still at the table playing or repeating back or paraphrasing their words like if your child says I want to play with trains and you respond you’re telling me you want to play with trains next you’re focusing on their strengths and encouraging the behaviors you want to see more of your role as the spotlight operator reinforces positive actions rather than drawing attention to the unwanted behavior that you want to end you’re purposefully catching them when they’re doing the good stuff you want to see and telling them that directly by doing this you’ll make it more likely for those specific behaviors to happen again also just like an enthusiastic live audience who generously applauds consistently celebrate what you’d like to see in your child non-verbal actions like smiles and high fives or thumbs up can also effectively convey support and encouragement the key is ensuring that they feel seen and appreciated for their efforts just like special time helps your child feel appreciated your likes and comments let me know this content is valued so if you haven’t yet go ahead and tap those like And subscribe buttons now in all seriousness though I really appreciate your support because it motivates me to keep making more videos like this so thank you for that now back to some more stuff the experts aren’t telling you about special time while the focus of special time is on strengthening your relationship and promoting positive behavior it is inevitable that children can have challenging behaviors during play and then what are you supposed to do well thinking back to our TV show analogy what happens when an actor bumps into a prop and messes up their lines people on set generally expect minor mistakes to happen and an actor would just keep going or try again but what if something more major happened like if the actor got injured during a stunt they wouldn’t really be able to keep going as usual and you’d probably have to Halt production so first parents need to differentiate between minor annoying or frustrating behaviors and dangerous or destructive ones be prepared to stop play immediately if a child does anything that could potentially harm themselves or others like throwing hard objects or acting aggressively safety should always take priority just as it does on the set of a TV show immediately stopping special time when something dangerous or destructive happens will set a clear boundary for inappropriate behavior when other more minor m Behavior happens like shouting or knocking down a block tower out of frustration I know it’s tempting to address it since that’s where you’re trying to fix in the first place but parents should intentionally choose not to respond or give attention to minor misbehaviors this lets your child know that they’ll only get your full attention when their behavior is neutral or positive now these next two ideas are really important and rarely talked about experts often tout special time as a small mirror Le or hack even I did it in the title of this video which implies it’s more of an immediate fix for bad behavior while this may happen it can also set up an unrealistic expectation about the immediacy of its effect or that it’s a one-time fix consistency is crucial when scheduling and practicing special time much like practicing your lines is crucial to successfully film your TV show on schedule you’re not expecting that reading the script once or right before filming will be enough so so relying on special time solely as an in the- moment strategy for poor behavior Can diminish its impact and this leads into the next mistake I don’t see being talked about using special time reactively as a response to negative behaviors or taking it away as punishment undermines the intended purpose of building positive connections between a parent and child studies show that it’s the regular practice that enhances communication skills strengthens bonds between a parent and child reduces behavior problems and promotes emotional well-being for both parents and their kids special time is meant to be a preventative strategy rather than a punitive one sometimes special time can unintentionally turn into something punitive or critical in a different way though simply with the words used can you imagine how that might play out what if your child was rehearsing their lines and finally after 10 times through they delivered it perfectly and then someone watching said thanks for not messing up while while at a first glance it might be recognized as praise there’s an underlying message of disapproval that’s somewhat critical other examples of this hidden criticism or negative talk are phrases that involve words like no don’t and stop like don’t throw that toy or stop playing with the light switch during special time these should be avoided in order to get the full benefit so instead of saying thanks for not yelling Focus your comment on the behavior you wanted to see like I loved how you used a quieter voice it’s crucial to tell kids what to do instead of what not to do and I know that navigating special time correctly can be a complex script to follow especially when it comes to kids with ADHD or anxiety it can be confusing and really tough to know what to encourage and what to do so to help with your TV show I’ve got long-term production plans laid out for both anxiety and ADHD right here so go check out those next and put your relationships first see you there
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