{"id":150318,"date":"2023-03-21T00:16:39","date_gmt":"2023-03-21T04:16:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/?p=150318"},"modified":"2023-03-20T22:29:53","modified_gmt":"2023-03-21T02:29:53","slug":"abandonment-anxiety-video-corrupted-see-https-www-youtube-com-watchvxqwuyweihb0","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/archives\/150318","title":{"rendered":"Abandonment Anxiety– Video corrupted  See https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=XQWUYWeiHB0"},"content":{"rendered":"&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<div class=\"jetpack-video-wrapper\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Abandonment Anxiety-- Video corrupted  See https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=XQWUYWeiHB0\" width=\"660\" height=\"371\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/aRiv4DR9rzw?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/div>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nthis episode was pre-recorded\r\nas part of a live continuing\u00a0\u00a0 education webinar on-demand CEUs are\r\nstill available for this presentation\u00a0\u00a0 through all CEUs registered at all\r\nCEUs comm slash counselor toolbox I’d like to welcome everybody today to the\r\npresentation love me doesn’t leave me addressing\u00a0\u00a0 fears of abandonment the purpose of this\r\npresentation is really to help us help clients\u00a0\u00a0 increase their awareness of their story including\r\nbeliefs about behavioral reactions to situations\u00a0\u00a0 that trigger their fear of abandonment so how\r\ndo we do that well the first thing we need to\u00a0\u00a0 figure out is what fear of abandonment is and how\r\ncan we identify it in a clinical set setting then\u00a0\u00a0 we’re going to explore the concept of schemas or\r\ncore beliefs and these are things that are formed\u00a0\u00a0 in early childhood you know if you remember\r\nprior classes we’ve talked about early childhood\u00a0\u00a0 cognition is generally very dichotomous in children\r\nyoung children don’t have the ability to look at\u00a0\u00a0 that gray area so these schemas if they’ve gone\r\nunchecked can lead to some very extreme belief\u00a0\u00a0 patterns which lead us into common traps in\r\nthinking reacting and relationships if your\u00a0\u00a0 schemas are based on all-or-nothing you either\r\nlove me or you’re going to leave me hence the\u00a0\u00a0 name of the book then your reactions are going to\r\ntend to be more extreme and more all-or-nothing\u00a0\u00a0 which increases anxiety because then anytime\r\na person who perceives any amount of disapproval\u00a0\u00a0 obviously is going to go to that extreme so we\r\nwant to talk about bringing it more toward the\u00a0\u00a0 middle line and helping people learn to appreciate\r\nand love themselves for themselves while they may\u00a0\u00a0 not approve of the behaviors of other people they can\r\nstill love other people so just because somebody\u00a0\u00a0 doesn’t approve of your behavior doesn’t mean\r\nnecessarily that they’re going to abandon you so\u00a0\u00a0 we’re going to talk about that and then we’ll\r\nlearn skills necessary to help people accept\u00a0\u00a0 their past as part of their story maybe they do\r\nhave a lot of abandonment issues and you know\u00a0\u00a0 some people do and it really is painful it cuts\r\nto the core especially when those abandonment\u00a0\u00a0 issues occur in early childhood when kids going\r\nwhat that does so we’re going to talk about that\u00a0\u00a0 and help people learn how to integrate it into\r\ntheir present and we’ll learn the skills necessary\u00a0\u00a0 to acknowledge that their past does not have to\r\ncontinue to negatively impact them in the present\u00a0\u00a0 so if they were abandoned when they were a child\r\nyou know we need to deal with that however if they\u00a0\u00a0 continue to expect that every significant person\r\nin their life will abandon them notice I use the\u00a0\u00a0 word every because we’re still in those extremes\r\nthen they’re going that the past is negatively\u00a0\u00a0 impacting them in the present so we’ll talk about\r\nhow to sort of moderate those belief systems how\u00a0\u00a0 does this impact recovery whether you’re talking\r\nabout addiction or mental health issues connection\u00a0\u00a0 is a basic human need we are not meant for the\r\nmost part to be Hermits in the middle of the\u00a0\u00a0 woods there are introverts and in my husband’s an\r\nintrovert he has a couple of really good friends\u00a0\u00a0 he needs quiet time each day he doesn’t need to\r\nbe surrounded by people and he’s fine but I mean\u00a0\u00a0 we’ve got human connection he’s not going to be\r\none that’s just going to you know move out to the\u00a0\u00a0 middle of nowhere I’m an extrovert on the other\r\nhand and I tend to have a lot of acquaintances\u00a0\u00a0 and a lot of friends I draw energy from\r\nbeing around other people so just because\u00a0\u00a0 someone doesn’t have 150 acquaintances doesn’t\r\nnecessarily mean they don’t need connections so\u00a0\u00a0 we want to recognize that connection is a basic\r\nhuman need when infants are born they are put\u00a0\u00a0 on their mother’s chest when we embrace each\r\nother whether it’s mother and child or friends\u00a0\u00a0 or whatever a chemical called oxytocin is released\r\nand it’s our bonding chemical we are programmed we\u00a0\u00a0 are hardwired for connection and oxytocin is a\r\nvery rewarding chemical so we want to recognize\u00a0\u00a0 this that if people are so afraid of abandonment\r\nthat they push everybody away what are they losing\u00a0\u00a0 as far as quality of life as infants and children\r\nsurvival is dependent upon the relationship with\u00a0\u00a0 the primary caregiver so if mom or dad wasn’t\r\nhappy if mom or dad was rejecting the young\u00a0\u00a0 child was pretty much helpless to think about a child\r\nwho’s growing up in a family that’s just riddled\u00a0\u00a0 with addiction and mental health issues and the\r\nprimary caregiver or caregivers are completely\u00a0\u00a0 emotionally unavailable they may be physically\r\nthere but they may be so high or so depressed or\u00a0\u00a0 so psychotic that they cannot attend to the\r\nchildren’s need what does that communicate to\u00a0\u00a0 the child feels abandoned the child\r\nfeels a sense of neglect for people’s beliefs about\u00a0\u00a0 other people and relationships were formed largely\r\nbased on their interactions with their caregivers\u00a0\u00a0 so if this child was going mom I’m hungry and\r\nnothing happened or worse yet child was going\u00a0\u00a0 mom I’m terrified and nothing happened or they\r\nwere just given a pacifier and told to shut up\u00a0\u00a0 then that is they were told they were communicated\r\nto that their beliefs their feelings their wants\u00a0\u00a0 and their needs were not important so they were\r\nbeing rejected healthy relationships serve up as\u00a0\u00a0 a buffer against stress so even if they had all\r\nthese negative experiences in early childhood teenage years you know maybe up until\r\nthey walked into your office it doesn’t mean it\u00a0\u00a0 has to continue and how much can they gain from\r\nhaving healthy relationships with a lot of clients\u00a0\u00a0 that I work with who have pretty significant\r\nabandonment issues can’t even fathom trusting\u00a0\u00a0 someone enough to be in a healthy relationship so\r\nwe’re going to talk about how to sort of ease into\u00a0\u00a0 that because you’re not going to say don’t let\r\nyour past influence your future and we’ll wave\u00a0\u00a0 a magic wand and they’re ready to trust people\r\neven once you point out that what happened in\u00a0\u00a0 the past was largely not their fault or maybe not\r\neven their fault at all they’re still going\u00a0\u00a0 to have difficulty not accepting responsibility\r\nand going everybody leaves me so what talk about\u00a0\u00a0 that addressing beliefs that formed as a result\r\nof these relationships the past dysfunctional\u00a0\u00a0 relationships we can help people create a\r\nnew understanding of events was mom or dad or\u00a0\u00a0 caregiver really being rejecting were you being\r\nabandoned emotionally and physically because of\u00a0\u00a0 you or because mom or dad just was able to do what\r\nthey needed to do to be a caregiver at that point\u00a0\u00a0 in time they were doing the best they could with\r\nthe tools they had but it wasn’t enough to meet\u00a0\u00a0 your needs so we want to talk about alternate\r\nexplanations for why parents and caregivers may have\u00a0\u00a0 behaved in that way if you have a young child well\r\nan adult now but who was put up for adoption or\u00a0\u00a0 abandoned by their caregivers at a young age the\r\na young child was probably very confused because\u00a0\u00a0 one moment their caregiver was there in the\r\nnext moment they were in the system so they were\u00a0\u00a0 trying to figure out what did they do wrong and why\r\ndoesn’t that person love me anymore it must be\u00a0\u00a0 me because children really can’t see well you\r\nknow mom is not able to function as a parent\u00a0\u00a0 right now or dad is having difficulty coping we\r\nwant to help people better understand themselves\u00a0\u00a0 in their reactions so that when they start getting\r\nthis urge to just cut all ties and be like you\u00a0\u00a0 know what fine you know I’ll take my ball and go\r\nhome no problem what does that mean at there’s a\u00a0\u00a0 certain point in all relationships in all healthy\r\nrelationships that you know sometimes people have\u00a0\u00a0 to distance themselves from one another because\r\nit’s becoming dysfunctional but for the most part, people will in relationships encounter\r\nhiccups will encounter disagreements but in\u00a0\u00a0 healthy relationships, they can work through\r\nthem in relationships with people who fear\u00a0\u00a0 abandonment there are going to be two extremes\r\nthere’s going to be complete compliance and\u00a0\u00a0 please don’t leave me or complete disengagement\r\nand whatever I don’t care the final thing we want\u00a0\u00a0 to do is help make people more conscious of\r\nwhat they’re doing so they can make healthy\u00a0\u00a0 decisions in their current relationships so when\r\nthey get that urge to either comply or disengage\u00a0\u00a0 is that a healthy normative reaction right now\r\nor are you reacting out of your past experiences the abandonment experience in childhood survival\r\ndepends on caregivers a four-year-old left alone\u00a0\u00a0 for five days is not going to do so well you\r\nknow they may be able to scavenge food but\u00a0\u00a0 once the food runs out where do they get it you\r\nknow there’s only so much that a child\u00a0\u00a0 can do an infant can’t even get their own food\r\nso survival depends on their caregivers and if\u00a0\u00a0 their caregivers fail to meet those needs there are\r\nhigh levels of anxiety and I will refer regularly\u00a0\u00a0 to caregivers who are emotionally unavailable\r\nand emotionally absent in addition to physically\u00a0\u00a0 unavailable or absent because some parents and I\r\nworked in the field of co-occurring disorders for\u00a0\u00a0 over two decades and some parents just they are so\r\noverwhelmed and so paralyzed by life itself they\u00a0\u00a0 can’t even attend to anything else that’s going\r\non they’re doing good just to be breathing but\u00a0\u00a0 if they have a child and that child’s needs are\r\ngetting neglected and fear of abandonment is a natural\u00a0\u00a0 survival response when your food source goes away\r\nwhat happens you start to freak the freak out so\u00a0\u00a0 this is normal we look at this and say that that’s\r\nthat’s natural if a child thinks about the first\u00a0\u00a0 time you take a child to kindergarten or pre-k\r\nor daycare or whatever it is and you drop the\u00a0\u00a0 child off even if they’re securely attached what\r\ndo they cry because they’re afraid that\u00a0\u00a0 mom or dad won’t come back and they’re afraid of\r\nthis new situation that’s changed securely attached\u00a0\u00a0 children will you know adjust and then be happy to\r\nsee mom or dad when they come back but the point\u00a0\u00a0 is there’s that initial oh crap reaction meeting\r\nbiological needs and safety are key triggers for\u00a0\u00a0 anxiety at any age so we’re talking about housing\r\nwe’re talking about safety we’re thinking about\u00a0\u00a0 Maslow’s hierarchy if somebody is not meeting the\r\nchild’s needs or if the person is not getting\u00a0\u00a0 their needs met then they may have high levels\r\nof anxiety and I add to the safety concept not\u00a0\u00a0 only physical safety but also emotional safety\r\npeople need to feel safe in their own heads and\u00a0\u00a0 they need to be free from emotional abuse when\r\nfocused on survival people can’t focus elsewhere\u00a0\u00a0 so if they’re not getting their physical needs\r\nmet guess what you know if you take somebody who\u00a0\u00a0 is in pain who is sick who is hungry and who is\r\nhomeless are they going to work on self-esteem\u00a0\u00a0 are they going to work on relationship skills\r\nno, they’re focused on survival they need to have\u00a0\u00a0 those basic needs met they need to have a certain\r\nsense of security if they are in a situation that\u00a0\u00a0 is dangerous physically obviously they’re not\r\ngoing to be focusing on how can I better myself\u00a0\u00a0 when they’re worried about somebody coming in\r\nand hurting them physically likewise it’s hard to\u00a0\u00a0 focus on how can I better myself when everywhere\r\nthey turn they perceive someone telling us you’re\u00a0\u00a0 not okay you’re stupid you’re lazy you’re bad\r\nyou were the worst decision I ever made in my\u00a0\u00a0 life they can’t focus on personal growth when\r\nall they’re getting is these verbal beatdowns all the time so people need to have acceptance if\r\nthey don’t have acceptance kind of the opposite of\u00a0\u00a0 acceptance is abandonment two kinds of extremes\r\nagain we’ll bring it back to the middle every\u00a0\u00a0 stressful situation becomes a crisis the in\r\nsecurely attached child now you can go back to\u00a0\u00a0 and read Bowlby’s work on secure and all that kind\r\nof stuff great reading but for the short version\u00a0\u00a0 of this presentation remember that certs securely\r\nattached children feel anxiety when their parents\u00a0\u00a0 leave but then they can adjust and they’re happy\r\nto see the parents return in securely attached\u00a0\u00a0 children feel a great amount of anxiety when\r\ntheir parents leave and are terrified that mom or\u00a0\u00a0 dad won’t come back and then when mom or dad does\r\ncome back it’s your very very clingy or very very\u00a0\u00a0 rejecting so with this child that’s in securely\r\nattached it’s just like one to a hundred as soon\u00a0\u00a0 as something happens that they think they may be\r\nabandoned you see this pattern again in adults who\u00a0\u00a0 are still struggling with these abandonment issues\r\nthat schema that they’ve formed and I’m getting a\u00a0\u00a0 little ahead of myself that schema that they form\r\nsays if you let this person at your site or if\u00a0\u00a0 this person disagrees with you or if this person\r\ncriticizes you they’re rejecting you and they’re\u00a0\u00a0 going to abandon you so we want to you know check\r\nin with those cognitions and look for trying to\u00a0\u00a0 make those thoughts a little bit more helpful in\r\ninfancy or early childhood if caregivers were away\u00a0\u00a0 for long periods of time because of work because\r\nof military, if they were in jail if they just\u00a0\u00a0 chose to be away or if they passed away children\r\nmay experience some abandonment issues now if\u00a0\u00a0 the parents are away because a parent is a way\r\nbecause of work or military or even jail and the\u00a0\u00a0 other parent can help the child work through it\r\nthere’s much less drama if you will there’s much\u00a0\u00a0 less issue with abandonment issues in totality\r\nnow if it’s whatever parent it is if the pay, if the father happened to be the one, went away\r\nthat person may have some residual issues with\u00a0\u00a0 adult figures in their life that they need to deal\r\nwith but they may not know I’m not saying that\u00a0\u00a0 every child of a soldier or a service person\r\nis going to have abandonment issues that are so\u00a0\u00a0 not true however if the experiences of the time\r\napart was not handled in a way where the child\u00a0\u00a0 felt secure then it could have consequences that\r\nare going into present-day if in early childhood\u00a0\u00a0 caregivers were inconsistently or unpredictably\r\nphysically or emotionally present so think about\u00a0\u00a0 a parent who has major recurrent major depressive\r\ndisorder addiction or is just ill-equipped to deal\u00a0\u00a0 with a child when I was working at the treatment\r\ncenter in Florida I had 14 15 16-year-old young\u00a0\u00a0 women coming in and having babies and you know\r\nwhat does a 14-year-old know about giving birth\u00a0\u00a0 and raising a child so it’s not that they weren’t\r\nnecessarily trying you know they didn’t have great\u00a0\u00a0 role models raising them in most cases and so they\r\ndon’t have anything to work with they don’t know\u00a0\u00a0 how to be a parent they’ve never been taught so\r\nit’s not always I don’t want to pathologize or\u00a0\u00a0 make the parents look like bad people because\r\nI believe that people do the best they can with\u00a0\u00a0 the tools they have at any given time parents\r\ndon’t choose to be sucky parents sometimes it\u00a0\u00a0 happens but I really don’t believe they choose to\r\nanyhow off my soapbox in later childhood as the\u00a0\u00a0 child becomes elementary school middle school\r\nage if they’re a poor family fit or they feel\u00a0\u00a0 like they’re the black sheep they just don’t\r\nhave the same beliefs that the other people do\u00a0\u00a0 they don’t seem to have the same interest that\r\ntheir family does they may not feel accepted\u00a0\u00a0 especially if the family’s going no that’s wrong\r\nto believe and invalidate them so going back to\u00a0\u00a0 that psychological safety if they’re constantly\r\nbeing told their ideas are stupid they’re wrong\u00a0\u00a0 they have the wrong point of view and they can\r\nfeel very isolated something can happen that\u00a0\u00a0 ruptures the relationship with the primary care\r\ngiver whether it’s abuse or you know some kind\u00a0\u00a0 of other trauma and introduction of a new less\r\nan emotionally or physically safe caregiver can also\u00a0\u00a0 lead to abandonment if the child feels like the\r\nbiological caregiver chose a new spouse over him\u00a0\u00a0 or her say if you see where I’m going with that\r\nbecause if this new person comes in and is less\u00a0\u00a0 safe is abusive in some way emotionally physically\r\nsexually it doesn’t matter the child is going to\u00a0\u00a0 feel like they didn’t have a voice the child\r\nis going to feel like the biological caregiver\u00a0\u00a0 didn’t care and brought this other person in\r\nany way which leads to feelings of rejection\u00a0\u00a0 and abandonment so what are the reactions\r\nfight-or-flight whenever there’s a threat we\u00a0\u00a0 fall back to fight or flight or freeze but we’ll\r\ntalk about that when there’s a threat our anxiety\u00a0\u00a0 goes up and we say in the past in these kinds of\r\nsituations, if I fought, did I succeed if so then\u00a0\u00a0 we’ve got fights in the past did I succeed and if\r\nthe answer’s no then the response is to flee pretty simply so anger towards someone who’s unavailable\r\nif they got angry and felt like it got them\u00a0\u00a0 some sort of acceptance from somewhere that might\r\nbe the prevailing reaction sadness when someone\u00a0\u00a0 goes away a sense of helplessness this person\r\njust left me shame or self-anger about feeling\u00a0\u00a0 needy or about pushing someone away fears related\r\nto rejection and isolation, nobody will ever love my loss of control or the unknown everybody\r\nalways leaves see how I’m using these extreme\u00a0\u00a0 words again and fear of failure I can’t maintain\r\na relationship nobody wants to be with me because\u00a0\u00a0 I’m not good enough so the questions for clients\r\nin these situations what caused these fears as a\u00a0\u00a0 child so when someone starts to have these fears\r\nabout a relationship if the relationship starts\u00a0\u00a0 to get rocking first question is what is it that\r\nyou’re afraid of in this situation if you stay\u00a0\u00a0 together what is it that you’re afraid of if this\r\nthe person leaves what is it you’re afraid of and how\u00a0\u00a0 likely is it that this person is going to leave\r\nbased on whatever is going on right now so let’s\u00a0\u00a0 get some objective evidence here and another\r\nthe tool you can use is the challenging questions\u00a0\u00a0 worksheet in cognitive processing therapy if\r\nyou google it challenging questions worksheet\u00a0\u00a0 CPT or cognitive processing therapy really helps\r\npeople walk through the logic in some of their\u00a0\u00a0 cognitions and identify some know unhelpful\r\ndistortions so then after you figure out kind of\u00a0\u00a0 what the fear is then we say what caused that as\r\na child in the past when you felt like this what\u00a0\u00a0 caused that and how was this reasonable or helpful\r\nyou know in the past when you felt like this and\u00a0\u00a0 you reacted in anger what was the outcome and\r\nhow was it helpful in some sort of way you know\u00a0\u00a0 did it get somebody to pay attention to you did\r\nit gets somebody to come comfort you, okay so you\u00a0\u00a0 were identifying the function of the current\r\nbehaviors and then we want to say what causes\u00a0\u00a0 these fears now a lot of times it’s the same symp\r\nor similar stuff but we could say how are these\u00a0\u00a0 reactions now unhelpful because as independent you\r\nknow adult-type people we can fend for ourselves\u00a0\u00a0 we can put food on the table we can go to work we\r\ncan do we can function independently whereas this\u00a0\u00a0 is a child we couldn’t you know there were just\r\nsome barriers to that does that mean again that\u00a0\u00a0 we should live in isolation and say well\r\nI don’t need anybody no that’s not what I’m\u00a0\u00a0 saying what I’m saying is is these fears that\r\nare overwhelming about abandonment that causes\u00a0\u00a0 people to push others away or cling on like you\r\nknow whatever clings on uh are these reactions\u00a0\u00a0 helpful in the present day you know do you still\r\nneed to hold on to people like there’s no tomorrow temperament based on their temperament children\r\nneed different types and amounts of caregiver\u00a0\u00a0 interaction um some children are wide open and\r\neasily overstimulated you know my son was that\u00a0\u00a0 way when he was born well to this very day um\r\nwhen he’s awake he is like the Energizer Bunny\u00a0\u00a0 on methamphetamine I’m he’s just going going\r\ngoing and talking and talking to himself and\u00a0\u00a0 he needed a lot of structure and he would get\r\noverstimulated easily but we were able to help\u00a0\u00a0 him figure out how to handle that instead of\r\ngetting mad at him for what seemed to be acting\u00a0\u00a0 out we were able to help him channel and figure\r\nout when he needed to take a break the introvert\u00a0\u00a0 may not need as much one-on-one attention with\r\nthe caregiver may need a comforting word\u00a0\u00a0 here and there but they may not need the amount of\r\nthe attention that an extrovert may need an extrovert\u00a0\u00a0 tends to need more interaction with parents with\r\nfamily with other people because they draw energy\u00a0\u00a0 and they think while they talk and they think\r\nwhile they talk with other people so they feel\u00a0\u00a0 a lot more isolated if they are isolated so we\r\nwant to understand the person’s temperament and\u00a0\u00a0 how they may or may not have gotten their needs\r\nmet how they may have been told they were wrong\u00a0\u00a0 and invalidated when they were younger and you\r\ncan hear some of this is kind of going towards\u00a0\u00a0 Linda hands DBT environment um but what we want to\r\nlook at what do you need now how can we create\u00a0\u00a0 an environment that’s accepting and welcoming\r\nto you now based on their needs and caregivers’ reactions children form schemas or core beliefs\r\nabout the world and others so if they state their\u00a0\u00a0 opinion and it’s squashed or it’s ridiculed then\r\nthey’re going to form this core belief that it\u00a0\u00a0 is not safe ever to share my opinions because I am\r\nalways wrong now we’re talking about children here\u00a0\u00a0 but a lot of times think back for yourself there I\r\nthink most of us have at least some all-or-nothing\u00a0\u00a0 dichotomous thoughts that come in every once in\r\na while and you know we can catch them but if\u00a0\u00a0 these dichotomies go unaddressed the person starts\r\nfeeling very lost and very abandoned because it’s all-or-nothing important points about children\r\nunder 7 from 8 to 12 children are developing\u00a0\u00a0 alternative cognitive skills they’re\r\nstarting to be able to think abstractly they’re\u00a0\u00a0 starting to be able to see the gray area and\r\nalternate explanations but even you know during\u00a0\u00a0 that period so zero to 12 children are having\r\ndifficulty envisioning all the possibilities\u00a0\u00a0 so anything that happens before that we want to\r\nencourage them to look at the schemas that were\u00a0\u00a0 formed and challenge them to examine whether they\r\nare currently accurate and helpful children think\u00a0\u00a0 dichotomously when they’re that young it’s all\r\nor nothing it’s good or bad it’s not kind of sort\u00a0\u00a0 of something it is what it is I mean even think\r\nabout thinking back to grades that we would get\u00a0\u00a0 it was satisfactory or unsatisfactory there was\r\nno ABCD F when we were in elementary school and\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t remember middle school then it was a\r\ndichotomous grading scale you either did it or you\u00a0\u00a0 didn’t children are egocentric so whatever happens\r\nthey say what was it about me that made this\u00a0\u00a0 happen if mom’s in a bad mood what did I do if\r\nyou know Mom is rejecting well that was stupid I’m\u00a0\u00a0 stupid children are very egocentric so you take\r\nall or nothing combined with all about me and you\u00a0\u00a0 can see we’re creating the perfect storm of children\r\ncan only focus on one aspect at a time when I work\u00a0\u00a0 with adult clients you know they come in and they\r\ntell me that they had an interaction with their\u00a0\u00a0 boss he was walking down the hall and he was in a\r\nbad mood and I just knew I did something and so\u00a0\u00a0 we talked about that and I’m like how do you know\r\nthat because he had it he had angry look on his\u00a0\u00a0 face okay what are some other possibilities what\r\nelse might have been going on with him at that\u00a0\u00a0 point in time and a lot of times we can brainstorm\r\nideas about a call he just got or where they just\u00a0\u00a0 left a meeting that didn’t go so well or who\r\nknows what else in this day and time when we’ve\u00a0\u00a0 got our cell phones and PDAs and everything\r\nthere are a lot of things that can trigger a\u00a0\u00a0 mood besides just whoever you pass in the hallway\r\nchildren can’t think about those other things that\u00a0\u00a0 might have triggered the mood they see somebody\r\nunhappy and they’re like I’m sorry um so we want\u00a0\u00a0 to encourage as adults we want to encourage them\r\nto say all right what are the other possibilities even as children I try to work with my kids\r\nto encourage them to look at alternate reasons\u00a0\u00a0 why somebody may be acting a certain way children\r\ncan’t think abstractly and consider those possible\u00a0\u00a0 options um even with kids you know knee-high\r\nto a grasshopper, if you’re in a situation and\u00a0\u00a0 maybe in a store and somebody behaves not kindly\r\nto you, you can talk about that later with the kids\u00a0\u00a0 and say you know that was kind of unpleasant to go\r\nthrough what you think might have caused that\u00a0\u00a0 and brainstorm three ideas my favorite number is\r\nthree I don’t know why but brainstorm three ideas\u00a0\u00a0 for alternate explanations for why that person\r\nmay have been in an unpleasant mood if children\u00a0\u00a0 learn to do this when they’re younger it’s a\r\na lot easier to transition to as adults schemas\u00a0\u00a0 are a broad way of perceiving things based on\r\nmemories feelings and thoughts basically it’s\u00a0\u00a0 our go-to perception of what something’s going\r\nto be like we have schemas about everything if\u00a0\u00a0 you go to church you have a schema about what’s\r\ngoing to happen when you go to your mother’s\u00a0\u00a0 house you have a schema about how mom’s going to\r\nbehave and what’s going to happen we form these\u00a0\u00a0 it’s our brain’s short shortcut instead of having\r\nto analyze every situation it says oh I remember\u00a0\u00a0 this been here before it’s probably going to be\r\nlike X Y Z unfortunately sometimes things change\u00a0\u00a0 and one of the things we see in addictions\r\ntreatment as is as caregivers into recovery and\u00a0\u00a0 really get a hold on it and start working that\r\na new way of life and sobriety and all that stuff\u00a0\u00a0 old family members or family members still expect\r\nthat old behavior they have that schema that when\u00a0\u00a0 Jane comes in this is what’s going to happen\r\nbecause they’re remembering how she behaved and\u00a0\u00a0 acted in her addictive self so we want to help\r\npeople identify their schemas and check them\u00a0\u00a0 sometimes they’re still accurate sometimes not so\r\nmuch schemas that trigger abandonment fear center\u00a0\u00a0 around the cell acceptability is this person going\r\nto like me which is one of the reasons we do a lot\u00a0\u00a0 of self-esteem work in reducing abandonment fears\r\nbecause we want to reduce the need for people to\u00a0\u00a0 solicit external validation we want them to say\r\nI’m all that and a bag of chips and I would love\u00a0\u00a0 to play with you but if you don’t want to play\r\nI’m okay with that love ability if they were\u00a0\u00a0 told they were unlovable if they perceived\r\nthey were unlovable then in the present they\u00a0\u00a0 may fear isolation they may fear that they’re not\r\nlovable so they will try to do whatever they can\u00a0\u00a0 or likewise they will build a lead wall that is 5\r\nfeet thick all the way around them so nobody can\u00a0\u00a0 hurt them they may have fears about their own\r\nthe competence you know thinking back to Erikson\u00a0\u00a0 you never thought some of these theorists from the\r\npast would keep coming up even in current practice\u00a0\u00a0 but they do if a child going through that period\r\nof industry versus inferiority Erik Erikson’s\u00a0\u00a0 stages of psychosocial development and they felt\r\nlike a failure, all the time or they were never\u00a0\u00a0 good enough the parents never recognized their\r\npositive achievements then they may question their\u00a0\u00a0 own competence and feel like a failure if they\r\nfeel like a failure they may feel they may believe\u00a0\u00a0 that nobody wants to be around them so they will\r\nleave so if I fail they will leave and fears may\u00a0\u00a0 center around adaptability some people are not\r\nable to tolerate any loss of control they’re just\u00a0\u00a0 like that they’re holding on with a death grip to\r\nthe relationship to anything that’s going on and\u00a0\u00a0 it starts to go wonky they are going to freak out\r\nso we want to look at what it means if you’re\u00a0\u00a0 not in control of everything what does it mean\r\nif you trust that this person is going to do the\u00a0\u00a0 next right thing if you are doing the next right\r\nthing as well schemas that trigger abandonment\u00a0\u00a0 fears can also be sent around center around others\r\nif someone is rejecting distant cold or is unable to\u00a0\u00a0 handle the person’s needs then the person may not\r\nfeel acceptable so if they are in relationships\u00a0\u00a0 with people like this then we need to look at is\r\nIs it you who’s not acceptable or is something else\u00a0\u00a0 going on with that person that may be making\r\nthem unable to deal with anybody else’s stuff\u00a0\u00a0 right now the person may feel isolated if other\r\npeople are absent if people fail to keep promises\u00a0\u00a0 they may feel like nobody’s ever there for them\r\ncompetence if other people are always critical\u00a0\u00a0 then the person will question their own competence\r\nand if others are unpredictable a lot of the time\u00a0\u00a0 when people who have anxiety about abandonment\r\nthey come from situations where other people have\u00a0\u00a0 not been predictable or if they were they were\r\nunpredictably absent and relationship of self to\u00a0\u00a0 others if they are afraid about their ability to\r\nrelate with others if they’re afraid of rejection\u00a0\u00a0 if they’re afraid that if they start to love they\r\nwill be rejected and then they will be isolated\u00a0\u00a0 forever if they are afraid of the unknown and they\r\nI just want consistency more than anything and\u00a0\u00a0 as soon as consistency starts to waver a little\r\na bit because as we grow things change and people\u00a0\u00a0 with abandonment issues don’t like things to\r\nchange because that’s not predictable and that’s\u00a0\u00a0 not consistent so they may have difficulty if one\r\nthe person starts to change what they do I see this\u00a0\u00a0 a lot not saying that it’s an abandonment issue\r\nnecessarily but when law enforcement officers\u00a0\u00a0 retire you know because they can retire after\r\n20 years so they may start a new career and\u00a0\u00a0 that causes a lot of change schedule changes\r\nthey’re not law enforcement anymore and the\u00a0\u00a0 spouse sometimes has culty adjusting to it as\r\ndoes the retired officer but controllability\u00a0\u00a0 if the person holds on to relationships and\r\neverything in their life with white knuckles\u00a0\u00a0 because they’re so afraid if they let go of\r\ncontrol that they are going to disappear or\u00a0\u00a0 disintegrate then if something seems like it’s not\r\nin their control, it’s going to be a catastrophe so attachment Styles secure if there’s an\r\nemotionally available caregiver the child\u00a0\u00a0 will seek the caregiver for comfort and guess\r\nwhat the caregiver will be there and will more\u00a0\u00a0 often than not meet the need for comfort with the\r\nthe correct type of comfort so hungry cold scared kind\u00a0\u00a0 of following the child’s upset when the caregiver\r\nleaves especially in new situations but the child\u00a0\u00a0 gets over it it’s not a child that’s going to sit\r\nthere and cry for eight hours and then the child’s\u00a0\u00a0 happy when the caregiver returns in this kind of\r\nattachment the child learns to trust others will\u00a0\u00a0 be responsive to their needs and validate their\r\nneeds a child learns to be self-reliant and try\u00a0\u00a0 new things but if they fail they know they can\r\nreturn to the home base they can go out and go well\u00a0\u00a0 that didn’t go as planned and the caregiver will be\r\nthere to say alright let’s figure out what to do\u00a0\u00a0 next not you are such a failure the child learns\r\nto adapt to a variety of situations because when\u00a0\u00a0 they’ve been faced with something that’s a little\r\nscary caregivers been there to kind of coach them\u00a0\u00a0 on and go you got this it’s scary I got it but\r\nyou can do it the child learns to deal with\u00a0\u00a0 stress because the caregivers are there to coach them\r\nor to process it with them afterward because the\u00a0\u00a0 caregiver is not always physically there but if\r\nyou’ve got children you know sometimes they’ll\u00a0\u00a0 come home from school and they’ve had a really\r\nbad day and you’d pull them aside and go you know\u00a0\u00a0 what’s going on let’s talk about it so in this way\r\nthe child learns to deal with stress and the child\u00a0\u00a0 learns to have accurate expectations of others\r\nin the secure attachment, emotionally available\u00a0\u00a0 situation remember children are egocentric so\r\nif mom’s upset the child goes what did I do or\u00a0\u00a0 oh my gosh I hope mom’s not going to leave in\r\na secure situation sometimes the parent has to\u00a0\u00a0 say something like mommy had a really bad day at\r\nwork today has nothing to do with you I need to go\u00a0\u00a0 take a timeout that helps a child understand\r\nthat you know what it’s not all about me and\u00a0\u00a0 I can understand that sometimes moms upset for\r\nsomething besides me and I can understand that\u00a0\u00a0 if moms up said it doesn’t mean she’s going to\r\nleave so obviously this is the ideal situation\u00a0\u00a0 avoidant attachment styles the rejecting or harsh\r\ncaregiver the person depends less on the caregiver\u00a0\u00a0 for security because every time they go saying, mom\r\nmom, I had a nightmare can I come into bed with you\u00a0\u00a0 they’re met with going back to your own bed and the\r\ncaregiver rolls over it’s not oh I’m sorry you had\u00a0\u00a0 a nightmare let me walk you back to your room\r\nwhen the child is separated from the caregiver\u00a0\u00a0 there’s little response when the caregiver leaves\r\nor returns because the kids like what uses that\u00a0\u00a0 person to me the child learns not to depend on\r\na caregiver for comfort connection or security\u00a0\u00a0 now imagine yourself a four-year-old child or a\r\nsix-year-old child thinking I can’t count on my\u00a0\u00a0 caregivers for comfort connection or security\r\nthat must be a terrifying place to be and I\u00a0\u00a0 can see why you would develop some pretty strong\r\ndefense mechanisms the ambivalent relationship between the\u00a0\u00a0 cave caregiver is inconsistent or can bow can’t\r\ntalk caregiver is inconsistent or chaotic this\u00a0\u00a0 is really true in a lot of homes where there are\r\nat least one parent who is battling some sort of\u00a0\u00a0 addiction or mental health issue so the parent\r\nmay or may not be available you don’t know what\u00a0\u00a0 the good days are going to be you don’t know what\r\nthe bad days are going to be so the child may be\u00a0\u00a0 anxious and afraid to try new things or explore\r\nbecause they’re like things are going good right\u00a0\u00a0 now I don’t want to top will be an applecart just\r\ngoing to sit here and ride it out a child may be\u00a0\u00a0 clinging and demanding trying to elicit a response\r\nremembering negative attention is better than no\u00a0\u00a0 attention at all and the child is upset when the\r\ncaregiver leaves but also inconsolable when the\u00a0\u00a0 caregiver returns because you know I was upset\r\nI was scared you went away but you came back and\u00a0\u00a0 that’s good but I don’t know when you’re going\r\nto go away again and if you’re going to come\u00a0\u00a0 back so it’s this constant anxiety of abandonment\r\ncore abandonment beliefs all people leave so we\u00a0\u00a0 want to challenge that by identifying exceptions\r\nmistrust people will hurt reject take advantage\u00a0\u00a0 of me or just not be there when I need them you\r\nknow what that’s true sometimes because people\u00a0\u00a0 have their own stuff so when this happens let’s\r\nlook at whether it’s happening all the time and\/or\u00a0\u00a0 let’s also look at what else might be going on\r\nwith that person that caused them to hurt reject\u00a0\u00a0 take advantage or not be there when you needed\r\nthe emotional deprivation I never get the love I\u00a0\u00a0 need nobody understands me cares about me or even\r\never tries to meet my needs here how dramatic and\u00a0\u00a0 extreme that is so one of the things as clinicians\r\nwe can do is say if you are getting the\u00a0\u00a0 love you needed what would it look like what\r\nwould be different what is it that you need\u00a0\u00a0 that you’re not getting once we identify\r\nthen we can create a plan to get it but a lot\u00a0\u00a0 of times other people don’t understand or may not\r\nbe able to interpret what you need so let’s help\u00a0\u00a0 let’s try to figure out how to make this happen\r\nnobody understands me alright let’s talk about\u00a0\u00a0 why that might be and you know let’s look at some\r\npeople who’ve kind of gotten a grasp sometimes\u00a0\u00a0 with clients with abandonment beliefs nobody\r\nunderstands me translates to I don’t give a buddy\u00a0\u00a0 a chance and I cut them off as soon as they become\r\nconfused and because they associate confusion with the rejection so we might talk about communication\r\nskills we might work on what it is that people\u00a0\u00a0 don’t understand and how to better communicate\r\nthat and where to find people who have similar\u00a0\u00a0 interests nobody ever even tries to meet my needs\r\nyou know here I would really look for exceptions\u00a0\u00a0 but I would also challenge the person and I would\r\nsay when do you meet your needs what do you do\u00a0\u00a0 to take care of yourself a lot of times\r\nclients with abandonment beliefs are so freaked\u00a0\u00a0 out and afraid of being abandoned that they’re\r\nnot taking care of themselves either they’re\u00a0\u00a0 just living and are paralyzed going back to fight\r\nflee or freeze they’re living a paralyzed state\u00a0\u00a0 of I want to be loved but if I love I’m gonna get\r\nhurt and I don’t know what to do they don’t even\u00a0\u00a0 love themselves so we want to start talking about\r\nif you had your best friend you know create this\u00a0\u00a0 best friend persona what would he or she say to\r\nyou what would he or she do right now let’s try to\u00a0\u00a0 help you understand yourself with mindfulness exercises\r\nare really good here because a lot of times these\u00a0\u00a0 clients don’t understand themselves they’ve got\r\nso much anxiety they’re so afraid and they don’t\u00a0\u00a0 know where it’s coming from because a lot of\r\nit has been going on for so long defectiveness\u00a0\u00a0 if people knew me they would reject me you know\r\nnot everybody’s going to like you why do you need\u00a0\u00a0 everybody to like you why is it important that\r\neverybody likes you and failure I don’t measure\u00a0\u00a0 up and I’m not able to succeed I usually put pull\r\nout the obnoxious quote that if you haven’t failed\u00a0\u00a0 you haven’t tried and we talked about what it\r\nmeans to get outside your comfort zone and you’re\u00a0\u00a0 not going to be perfect at everything you’re not\r\ngoing to be Michael Phelps you’re not going to be\u00a0\u00a0 the president of the United States that doesn’t\r\nmean that you’re a failure that definitely\u00a0\u00a0 doesn’t mean you’re a failure so what things are you\r\ngood at what can you and have you succeeded at and\u00a0\u00a0 go back and look over things like you graduated\r\nhigh school, not everybody does that you know\u00a0\u00a0 raised a family not everybody does that so we\r\nwant to challenge all nothing’ languages we\u00a0\u00a0 want to look for exceptions and we want to look\r\nfor in what ways can you provide yourself the\u00a0\u00a0 validation so you don’t fear abandonment you don’t\r\nneed other people to tell you you’re okay because\u00a0\u00a0 guess what you’re telling yourself I’m okay and\r\nbefore I go on to unhelpful reactions I do want\u00a0\u00a0 to point out that if we tell people to tell\r\nthemselves you know I’m okay that sounds great\u00a0\u00a0 but if they don’t believe it if it’s not supported\r\nwith evidence, it’s actually probably going to slow\u00a0\u00a0 their growth because they’re sitting there going\r\ntelling themselves I’m okay and in the back of\u00a0\u00a0 their head going you know you’re not so we need\r\nto get that internal critical voice to kind of\u00a0\u00a0 hush up by providing the person with the objective\r\nevidence of why they’re okay why they’re good\u00a0\u00a0 enough and that’s a slow process it’s not going\r\nto happen overnight but encourage people to figure\u00a0\u00a0 out why they believe what they believe and then\r\nyou can work from there okay unhelpful reactions\u00a0\u00a0 fighting with someone you don’t want to leave\r\nme because so the person may engage in dominant\u00a0\u00a0 sort of posturing behavior aggression hostility\r\nblaming and criticizing trying to tear down the\u00a0\u00a0 other person to say you know what I don’t care\r\nand you should be grateful that I’m in your life recognition seeking to get attention validation\r\nor approval so if they feel something’s going\u00a0\u00a0 wrong in a relationship they may start trying to\r\ndo something to gain recognition to prove that\u00a0\u00a0 they’re worthy of a relationship for what they do\r\nversus who they are manipulation and exploitation\u00a0\u00a0 said lying justifying I did this because you made\r\nme so sometimes we all occasionally do things that\u00a0\u00a0 aren’t the nicest people who fear abandonment\r\nhave difficulty saying you know what I screwed\u00a0\u00a0 up and they’re more likely to go you made me do\r\nI wouldn’t have done it if you would have X\u00a0\u00a0 Y &amp; Z people again who are worried about a relationship\r\nis going to fall apart and may also make excuses for\u00a0\u00a0 other people’s inappropriate behavior it’s like\r\nyou know I really hate what this person does but\u00a0\u00a0 if I don’t make excuses for it if I condemn it\r\nthen this person is going to leave in counseling\u00a0\u00a0 we can talk about the difference between loving a\r\nperson and loving a person’s behavior you know I\u00a0\u00a0 love my kids to death there is no question about\r\nthat but some of their behavior makes me want to\u00a0\u00a0 climb a wall I’m very clear to separate from them\r\nthe difference between the behavior that I dislike\u00a0\u00a0 and them because you know like I said I love them\r\nto pieces and we want to help people start making\u00a0\u00a0 this differentiation if they don’t do it already\r\nand clinging and chasing is the other fight\u00a0\u00a0 reaction stalking and messaging somebody 47 times on\r\nFacebook in an hour all these kinds of behaviors\u00a0\u00a0 and even online bullying those sorts of things can\r\nbe fight reactions in response to feeling like\u00a0\u00a0 there’s a threat of abandonment flight is more\r\nof the I don’t care if you leave so the person\u00a0\u00a0 will withdraw physically and emotionally and\r\nmaybe even numb themselves with some sort of\u00a0\u00a0 addictive behavior or distract themselves with\r\nsomething completely different or find a new\u00a0\u00a0 person just proof that you know what I didn’t\r\nneed you because I’ve got this new person now questions for clients about core beliefs\r\nall people leave okay so what does it look\u00a0\u00a0 like if somebody’s available to you if they\r\ndon’t abandon you who in your past left you\u00a0\u00a0 or was unavailable emotionally now a lot of\r\nI find it helpful for mental health\u00a0\u00a0 and addiction clients to have them write an\r\nautobiography because then we can go back\u00a0\u00a0 and kind of review it and identify the core\r\npeople at certain stages in a person’s life what did the person who left you do to make you\r\nfeel rejected or abandoned in retrospect\u00a0\u00a0 you know it was hard to see the difference what\r\nwas going on back then because you were a kid in\u00a0\u00a0 retrospect what are the alternate explanations\r\nfor why this may have happened was it really\u00a0\u00a0 you or was it more about them who in your past\r\nhas been available to you emotionally most of\u00a0\u00a0 the time people can point to one maybe two people\r\nwho have generally been there it’s unreasonable to\u00a0\u00a0 expect someone to always be there who in your\r\npresent is available to you emotionally you\u00a0\u00a0 know maybe they’ve only been in your life for six\r\nmonths or a year but they are available and I say\u00a0\u00a0 emotionally because you know not everybody can\r\nbe available physically all the time we’ve got\u00a0\u00a0 jobs kids all that kind of stuff but can you pick\r\nup the phone and call them or text them and say\u00a0\u00a0 hey you know what I’m really struggling right now\r\nwhat do you do in your current relationships that cause people to leave do you push them away if so\r\nhow what are alternatives to pushing them away cutting all ties and just saying fine be that way\r\nI wipe my hands off you if you cling how do you do\u00a0 this in what ways do you perceive yourself as\r\nbeing clinging and what are some alternatives\u00a0\u00a0 to holding on with all desperation and mistrust people\r\nwill hurt reject or take advantage of me or just\u00a0\u00a0 not be there when I need them so again what does\r\nit looks like when somebody’s or what does it feel\u00a0\u00a0 like when someone is trustworthy and safe who in\r\nyour past was untrustworthy or unsafe what do they\u00a0\u00a0 do they taught you this and what are alternate\r\nexplanations who in your past has been trustworthy\u00a0 and safe who in your present is available and\r\ntrustworthy what do you do to yourself that\u00a0\u00a0 is unsafe or dishonest that’s one of those tricky\r\nquestions you’re there talking about other people\u00a0\u00a0 other people then it’s like what\r\ndo you do to yourself how do you lie to your\u00a0 self or how are you mean and hateful to yourself\r\nhow does your distrust of other people or even\u00a0 yourself impact your current relationships some\r\npeople distrust their own internal intuition so\u00a0 much that they don’t want to make friends with\r\nother people they’re like I can’t tell who’s\u00a0 going to hurt me and who won’t so just yeah I’m\r\ngoing to wipe my hands of it all what could you\u00a0 do differently what do you think you could do\r\nin order to start building trust and what does\u00a0 it look like to build trust because Trust doesn’t\r\njust appear it builds gradually emotional deaths\u00a0 deprivation I don’t get the love I need nobody\r\nunderstands me so again what does it look like\u00a0 when somebody understands you and meets your\r\nneeds who in the past failed to meet your needs\u00a0 emotionally and how can you deal with that now\r\nyou know it may have been mom it may have been\u00a0\u00a0 ex-husband it may have been you know who knows\r\nhow can you deal with it now yourself so you can\u00a0\u00a0 put it to rest who in your past is understood\r\nyou who in your present understands you how\u00a0\u00a0 can you start again better understanding yourself\r\nbecause it’s hard for other people to understand\u00a0\u00a0 us when we don’t even understand ourselves and\r\nwhat can you do to start getting your needs met you one of the things was starting to get your own\r\nneeds met is to figure out what your needs are and\u00a0\u00a0 this is one of the exercises I have people do as\r\na homework assignment they keep track of what is\u00a0\u00a0 it they want on a daily basis keep a log and then\r\nlet’s talk about what common themes were seeing\u00a0\u00a0 if people knew me they would reject me okay so how\r\ndo you know when you’re accepted or acceptable to\u00a0\u00a0 someone who when you’re past may make you feel\r\ndefective are there alternate explanations and\u00a0\u00a0 how can you silence those old tapes because\r\nthat person that statement stays as a heckler\u00a0\u00a0 in the gallery we need to hush the heckler what\r\ncan you do part of it could be talking back and\u00a0\u00a0 saying you know what I’m not going to listen\r\nor I don’t have time for this right now who’s\u00a0\u00a0 been accepting and supportive who is in your life\r\nthat’s accepting and supportive and how can you\u00a0\u00a0 start accepting yourself and being compassionate\r\nso some compassion focus training mindfulness work\u00a0\u00a0 to help people understand themselves and start\r\nbeing compassionate with themselves understanding\u00a0\u00a0 their vulnerabilities and cutting themselves some\r\nslack I don’t measure up I’m not able to succeed\u00a0\u00a0 okay that’s a pretty big success you know what\r\nis what success means success means different\u00a0\u00a0 things to different people so what does it look\r\nlike to you to be successful let’s kind of hammer\u00a0 that out what is it if you are successful what\r\nwould be different what in your past has made\u00a0 you feel like a failure what are some alternate\r\nways of viewing it such as a learning experience\u00a0 or something I had to go through to grow or you\r\nknow brainstorming alternate explanations for\u00a0\u00a0 why people fail they don’t have a response to\r\nsometimes I ask them to kind of take on\u00a0\u00a0 a flip role and say pretend you’re a parent and\r\nyour child comes home and they’ve tried out for\u00a0\u00a0 the football team and they didn’t make the team\r\nthey failed what are you going to tell on what\u00a0\u00a0 have you succeeded at doing in the past what are\r\nyou good at in the present and we really want to\u00a0\u00a0 pay attention to minimization here because a\r\na lot of our clients are not good at identifying\u00a0\u00a0 their strengths what does being successful mean in\r\nterms of your relationship with others do you have\u00a0\u00a0 to be successful in order to be loved and be a\r\nthe good relationship you know obviously you’re going\u00a0\u00a0 to be successful in a relationship if you’re\r\nbut do you have to be financially successful and powerful all whatever you define success as in\r\norder to be in healthy relationships who are\u00a0\u00a0 three successful people you know and what makes\r\nthem successful in your eyes does success equal\u00a0 happiness you can do a whole group on that and\r\nwhat do your kids need to do to be successful\u00a0 in life you know we want our kids to succeed in us\r\nwant our kids to be happy so what is it that I\u00a0 envision my child’s life to be 10 to 15 years from\r\nnow triggering relationships the abandoner is\u00a0 unpredictable unstable and unavailable the\r\nan abusive relationship is untrustworthy and\u00a0 unsafe the deprived err depriving relationship the\r\na person is detached or withholding the Devastator\u00a0 is always judgmental rejecting and critical and\r\nthe critic is critical and narcissistic usually\u00a0\u00a0 a lot of times people replay their past to try to\r\nkind of get it right the second time so we want\u00a0\u00a0 to look at do you have a habit of getting into\r\nrelationships with people who are not safe we can\u00a0\u00a0 also ask them how do you exhibit these behaviors\r\nin what ways are these behaviors present your\u00a0\u00a0 current relationships and in what ways were these\r\npresent and your primary caregiver relationships behavioral triggers abandonment and mistrust\r\nif somebody starts acting differently they change\u00a0 their behavior in some way a person who fears\r\nabandonment goes oh that’s not good if they’re\u00a0\u00a0 not getting constant reassurance that’s\r\nthat external validation can trigger\u00a0\u00a0 abandonment fears so again we want to work\r\non internal validation and why is it that you\u00a0\u00a0 feel you need constant reassurance from the other\r\nperson’s relationships feel threatening so\u00a0\u00a0 work relationships those sorts of things the\r\na person who has abandonment issues won’t want\u00a0\u00a0 their significant other around other people\r\nand they become hyper-vigilant to rejection\u00a0\u00a0 and disconnection even if it’s just somebody\r\ngoing I had a really bad day I need 20 minutes\u00a0 and go into the room and shut the door\r\nthe person with abandonment issues will likely\u00a0\u00a0 have a high level of anxiety so we want to ask\r\nhow these behaviors have threatened them in the\u00a0\u00a0 past what are alternate explanations for why this\r\nis happening with this person right now and what\u00a0\u00a0 would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors\r\nnow so this is happening what would be a helpful\u00a0\u00a0 reaction instead of assuming that the sky is\r\ngoing to fall defectiveness and failure so if\u00a0\u00a0 somebody is critical if they have unexplained time\r\napart there’s absent or inconsistent reassurance\u00a0\u00a0 or if the person tells them they’re a failure\r\nthese or they fail at something these could\u00a0\u00a0 all be behavioral triggers they could be like I\r\nfailed at something I’m not getting reassurance that this relationship fixing to end question how\r\nis this threatened you in the past alternate\u00a0\u00a0 explanations and what would be a helpful\r\nreaction to this particular situation right now envisioning activity what does a healthy\r\nthe relationship looks like presence versus abandonment\u00a0\u00a0 acceptance versus rejection emotional support\r\nversus emotional unavailability trustworthy\u00a0\u00a0 versus untrustworthy and safe versus harmful\r\nthese are extremes what does it look like to\u00a0\u00a0 be a middle ground there are going to be exceptions\r\nyou know things are going to happen so what does\u00a0\u00a0 a healthy relationship look like and how to do you\r\ndeal with exceptions if somebody’s not always\u00a0\u00a0 present how can you create this relationship with\r\nyourself that’s the big one and then how can you\u00a0\u00a0 create this relationship with others’ mindfulness\r\nquestions what am I feeling what’s triggering it\u00a0\u00a0 am I safe right now and if not what do I need to\r\nis this bringing up something from the past if\u00a0\u00a0 so how is this different how am I different\r\nthen I was when I was six or four and how\u00a0\u00a0 can I silence my inner critic finally what\r\nwould be a helpful reaction that would move me\u00a0 more toward my goals and toward a positive\r\nemotional experience summary core beliefs\u00a0 about the self and others are formed in early\r\nlife due to children’s lack of knowledge of other\u00a0 experiences and primitive cognitive abilities\r\nthese core beliefs are often very dichotomous\u00a0\u00a0 core beliefs can be formed around events or\r\nexperiences outside of the conscious memory\u00a0\u00a0 identifying and being mindful of abandonment\r\ntriggers in the present can help people choose\u00a0\u00a0 alternate more helpful ways of responding in\r\nthe present in secure and loved me\u00a0\u00a0 don’t leave me are two really excellent books\r\nthere are google previews if you want to look\u00a0\u00a0 at them to see if it’s something that you like\r\nbut they do take what we talked about in this\u00a0\u00a0 presentation and expand upon it a whole bunch\r\nmore if you enjoy this podcast please like and\u00a0\u00a0 subscribe either in your podcast player or on\r\nYouTube you can attend and participate in our\u00a0\u00a0 live webinars with doctor Snipes by subscribing\r\nat all CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox, this\u00a0\u00a0 episode has been brought to you in part by all\r\nCEUs com provides 24\/7 multimedia continuing\u00a0\u00a0 education and pre-certification training to\r\ncounselors therapists and nurses since 2006 used coupon code consular toolbox to get\r\na 20% discount off your order this month you\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/images.pexels.com\/photos\/736843\/pexels-photo-736843.jpeg?auto=compress&amp;cs=tinysrgb&amp;h=650&amp;w=940\" \/>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=aRiv4DR9rzw\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">As found on YouTube<\/a>\r\n\r\nThis solution reverses kidney disease! Guaranteed to be effective or your money back: <a href=\"https:\/\/hop.clickbank.net\/?affiliate=flywait&amp;vendor=empoweredh\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Beat kidney disease. Just by following a simple treatment plan, you can reverse kidney disease. No matter how old you are! Just listen to what people who have tried this solution have to say.<\/a> \u201cThank God I came across your solution by accident! Dad\u2019s kidney function decreased from 36% to 73% in just two months. He\u2019s 90 years old! His doctor said people his age shouldn\u2019t have kidneys that efficient!\u201d Graeme Asham, QLD, Australia, And this\u2026 \u201cNo more dizzy spells! My creatinine has gone down from a staggering 1800 to 1100. My blood count has greatly improved and I\u2019ve been taken off my blood pressure medication. Your solution really works! \u201d Joe Taliana, 55, Malta Simply follow the scientifically backed solution and restore your kidneys, fast! =&gt; <a href=\"https:\/\/hop.clickbank.net\/?affiliate=flywait&amp;vendor=empoweredh\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">This solution reverses kidney disease!<\/a> \u2190 <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/100000332115031\/videos\/590895892954739\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/100000332115031\/videos\/59089589295<\/a>4739\/ \u044f\u03b1\u2113\u03c1\u043d \u2113\u0454\u03b1\u043c\u03b1\u0438","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&nbsp; &nbsp; this episode was pre-recorded as part of a live continuing\u00a0\u00a0 education webinar on-demand CEUs are still available for this presentation\u00a0\u00a0 through all CEUs registered at all CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox I’d like to welcome everybody today to the presentation love me doesn’t leave me addressing\u00a0\u00a0 fears of abandonment the purpose of this &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/archives\/150318\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Abandonment Anxiety– Video corrupted  See https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=XQWUYWeiHB0<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":150317,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1,138],"tags":[59933,59932,59938,38507,42324,59942,37897,38513,38514,37905,59943,38510,38505,59834,36289,37878,38508,38509,59868,59809,52543,59935,38520,37893,37894,59940,36776,59944,59941,38524,37876,957,38525,38526,38532,38527,37906,38528,38506,35665],"class_list":["post-150318","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety","category-community","tag-abandonment","tag-abandonment-anxiety","tag-abandonment-issues","tag-adacb","tag-allceus","tag-attachment-styles-in-relationships","tag-cadc","tag-ccapp","tag-ccdc","tag-ce4less","tag-cebroker","tag-certification","tag-cheap-ce","tag-cheap-ceu","tag-coaching","tag-counseling","tag-counselling","tag-counsellor","tag-dawn-elise-snipes-2","tag-donnelly-snipes","tag-fear-of-abandonment","tag-fear-of-love","tag-ladac","tag-ladc","tag-lcdc","tag-lcsw-ceu","tag-lmft","tag-lmhc-ceu","tag-love-me-dont-leave-me","tag-lpc-ce","tag-lpc-ceus","tag-mental-health","tag-naadac","tag-nbcc","tag-online-ceu","tag-online-training","tag-quantum-units","tag-relapse-prevention","tag-unlimited-ce","tag-ytccon"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/htmlF_IMG_6418c7915d13d.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150318"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=150318"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150318\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":150335,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150318\/revisions\/150335"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/150317"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=150318"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=150318"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/effectsofanxiety.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=150318"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}